Keep It Locked Away
by MarthaMars
Summary: Daniel Jackson has been hiding a secret for years. Now on a distant plant his secret is found out. How will he react? How will SG-1 react? Contains Self-Harm, mentions suicide. Pre-Slash nothing graphical just brief thoughts .Please Review xx
1. In the Beginning

**A/N : Heay this is MarthaMars reporting. Well this is my first Stargate SG-1 fic so be gentle. I'm off for a week now so hopefully I'll get a good bit of this story done. I have just one more exam left and then I'm free for the summer. So lot's of chapters then anyway. Well just thought I'd leave a note. Stargate posters for all who review, (well virtual one's anyway).**

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, possible slash…not sure yet. Will change rating if it comes up. Yea that's about it for now. I'll change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. ****J**

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**Daniel's POV: **

He pulled the blade over his skin a little further, drawing a longer line up his arm, blood rising up slowly. It wasn't deep, not really. Just a surface wound. He put the blade to skin three more times before he bandaged his arm. He didn't wipe the blade, he never wiped the blade. It felt like sacrilege.

The blood was made for that blade. It probably wasn't the healthiest thing to do but then neither was drawing lines on yourself with a ceremonial blade either! He sighed and got up off the ground. He was sitting in his living room, translations for the SGC sitting on his coffee table. He felt calmer now.

He'd been writing up a report to hand in tomorrow about their latest mission. P3X 509 was a world rich in forestry. 'The way our rain forests should be if we hadn't decided to cut away at them.' The mission had been fairly normal. A simple reconnaissance mission.

The people had been friendly; he'd supplied his usual _'we are peaceful explorers…'_ speech. Everything had been going fine, only things weren't fine. Not really. Recently he'd been feeling lower and lower until finally on P3X 509 he blew it! Lost it completely.

You see they had decided to stay the night after he had convinced Jack that these people had a lot of potential technology which they could use. It had helped that Sam had backed him up. So that night when he was on watch he was watching the stars, thinking about Sha're.

One of the locals had decided to join him. At first they had spoken with one and other quite amicably.

But then this man, out of the blue asked him, "Why you hurt so much?"

He hadn't understood at first. Turns out the man had been asking about his self-harm, though how he had figured out was beyond him.

Things came to a grinding halt however when the man tried to push up his sleeves! He fought back though and ended up punching the man.

Things just went from bad to worse from there. Some of the other locals had come out to see what all the commotion was about, so had his team.

The man he had struck called for the guards . . . for abuse of a member of the royal family! He was in deep shit then.

"Run" was all he said and the four of them pelted it outta there. When they were about 20 feet away from the Stargate the activated their GDO's and Sam dialed them out quickly. No questions asked. That could wait till they returned to the SGC.

That had been two days ago. Tomorrow he would officially hand in his report. His first ever fake report. He did not like this.

Thus the cuts. After all it was his fault, the whole thing.

If he hadn't lost his temper, if he hadn't hit the 'prince', if he had never started cutting in the first place.

Now, because of him they had made new enemy's and had lost any hope of gaining new technology from the people of P3X 509. He was a complete and utter failure.

****

Daniel Jackson walked down the halls of the SGC, he tried to keep his hands from shaking too much. Surprisingly enough when they had returned General Hammond had ordered them all to the infirmary then after a very brief report he had told them they were all on down time.

It suited him. Only, he knew that he had to hand in his report and give a formal report of what happened on the planet. It was going to be harder to lie to them all in person than it would have been on just paper. But he had to do this.

They deserved an explanation as to why they had, had to leave in such an abrupt manner.

He didn't know if he could pull this off or not. He walked into the briefing room and saw that everyone else was already seated.

"Eh, sorry I'm late…traffic…"

"Very well, Colonel O'Neill, if you would start please." Daniel sat down in the chair opposite Jack and held his breath.

"Well you see sir; I'm not entirely clear on that myself. I was asleep at the time and Daniel was on watch. Anyway, I woke up to hear shouting, and what sounded like a fight. A pretty good one too if you ask me…"

"Jack!"

"Sorry sir. Anyway, I went out to see what all the commotion was about and saw Daniel with one of the natives." For some reason he stopped there. But Sam decided to pick up.

"Yeah, that's what Teal'c and I saw too. There must have been some kind of misunderstanding. However it turns out that the man with Daniel was actually some kind of royalty. So he called for guards and we….well we ran."

"Is that so Daniel?"

"Eh yeah . . . pretty much." Hammond turned his head towards Teal'c who just nodded his head.

"So then what in the blue blazes actually happened out there to cause this Dr. Jackson?" That's his cue.

"Eh well I was on night watch and he came over to talk to me. So we sat there for a while and . . ." he trailed off.

"And what?"

"Actually Daniel I wouldn't mind knowing that myself. They seemed like very tolerant people . . . what could have set them off?" He turned towards Sam. He couldn't believe it but by the sounds off it they believed that the prince had actually started all of this. Was he really that lucky?

Could he blame it all on him . . . saying he'd misinterpreted something he himself had said? Could he tell them that . . .?

"Daniel . . .Earth to Daniel . . ."

"Huh?" He turned towards Jack who was waving a hand in front of his face.

"Sorry . . ."

"What forget your coffee this morning?" He managed a feeble laugh at Jack's joke.

"People, can we please stay focused here." Said General Hammond.

"Yea, sorry as I was saying, we'd been talking about their culture and . . ." There is no way I can blame this completely on him. I guess I'm going to have to blame myself for some of this.

"…well, I mistranslated…"

"What!!" asked Jack.

"Dr. Jackson how did you mistranslate something that badly that they opened fire on you?" Guess he was going to have to re-type his report now.

"It wasn't too bad I don't think!"

"Not too bad, Jesus, Daniel the man practically had you killed!"

"I basically mixed up there God's okay! Referred to him as a woman!" Good save I think. I hope.

Jack started sniggering.

"You what?"

"Yeah, it's stupid I know, it was just a slip of the tongue and he wouldn't give me a chance to explain…"

"Is there no way we can go back and you explain this to them Daniel? They did seem patient in the beginning."

"NO! Eh, I mean no that's not a good idea. I think it'll just anger them further. Best to just leave well enough alone for now." Jack was looking at him funny, as was Sam. Teal'c was expressionless as usual and Hammond was just sitting back in disbelief.

"Dr. Jackson are you sure that's how it all occurred?" He looked up quickly.

"Yes, of course."

"Dr. Jackson you do know it's against the law to falsify records don't you?"

"Now wait a minute sir. Daniel would never do that and you have no reason to even be suggesting that!"

"I'm afraid I do Colonel."

"What?" Both he and Jack asked at the same time. Hammond sighed.

"Yesterday while you were all on down-time the gate activated. It was from P3X 509."

Hammond continued, "This prince came through with several men unarmed and told us that they still wished to trade with us if we were still interested." Daniel couldn't help but gulp. He was starting to pale as well.

"Are you serious sir? How'd they get through the gate sir? The iris?"

"Honestly Major I don't know. They just sort of melded though."

"But sir that's solid titanium!"

"You don't have to tell me that Major."

"So what did they say happened yesterday sir? I assume that they did have a side to tell."

"Indeed they did Colonel. And a very different one from Dr. Jackson too."

Now was the time for him to worry. "Eh what did they say?" Hammond looked at him, but it was cold.

"They said that this prince offered you assistance with a matter, they wouldn't actually divulge what that matter was, and that you reacted violently toward it and towards the prince himself." He looked down at his hands. They hadn't even told his secret.

"Daniel is this true?" asked Sam.

One more try at least. If I'm going down, at least I'll be going down fighting. "No, of course it's not true. Why would I do that?"

"General, are we sure these aliens can be trusted? I mean this is Daniel we're talking about." questioned Jack.

"Honestly Jack I wish I could believe Daniel, and I would if I hadn't already gotten proof."

"Proof what proof are you talking about?"

He could always count on Jack to fight his corner for him.

General Hammond nodded towards the airman beside the door and he walked out only to bring back a report. His report…the one he left on his desk before coming to the briefing room this morning.

Shit.

"Dr. Jackson I'm giving you one last chance to come clean before I read this report."

"What the report got to do with anything? We just heard his…"

"Colonel be silent!"

"Yes, sir."

"Dr. Jackson, I'm waiting."

Oh God, know what was he going to do? His report read completely different to what he had said just now. In the report he had written that the Prince had drunk too much wine and had started an argument with him.

When he had fallen over the prince had blamed him of attacking him. Oh why, oh why hadn't he just stayed with one story?

"Very well…"

"No! Wait. I…"

"Daniel?" Jack was looking over at him confusion clearly written on his face. He looked down once more, shame causing him to cast his eyes downwards.

"I…I lied. The prince was right. I'm - I'm so s-sorry."

"Dr. Jackson as of this moment you are suspended from active duty while an enquiry is launched."

"Yes sir." he mumbled.

"You may leave now people. Meeting adjourned."

Daniel pelted it out of there, determent to get to his truck quick as possible. There was going to be an enquiry. Now what could he do?

****

Reaching his truck he pulled out of the parking area on the complex and went home as fast as he could under the circumstances. Daniel doubted a speeding ticket could help his case at the moment.

He was only in the door, turning on his coffee machine when he heard someone banging on his door.

No, not someone, he knew well who was on the other side of the piece of wood. He had realized that Jack would want to know what was going on with him, with this whole situation really. He didn't want to deal with this. It was all just too much.

God how he wanted to cut.

But that was what had got him into this mess in the first place. Even so, he couldn't with Jack banging down the door.

"Daniel I swear if you don't open this door in the next 5 seconds I'm breaking it down!"

Well he couldn't let that happen so he walked over to his door and opened it.

"Well it's about time." said Jack as he walked into my apartment.

"Do come in, make yourself at home." he muttered. He went back into is kitchen after closing his door and shouted into Jack, "Do you want something to drink?"

"Yeah, got any beer?"

He waited for his coffee to percolate and then brought both in his coffee and Jack's beer.

"It's only noon."

"Yeah well after this morning's little revelation I could do with one."

Daniel just nodded. What else could he say?

"Well, aren't you going to say anything? Explain yourself?"

"What do you want me to say Jack?"

"Well how about why you lied in the first place. Or what it was that was so terrible that you had to pick a fight with the prince of our visiting world. That could work for a start."

"I said I was sorry, Jack."

"Daniel what the hell is going on with you?"

The archaeologist just shook his head. "Nothing, nothing is going on with me."

"Yes, Daniel there is else you wouldn't be under investigation right now for falsifying records. Why'd you do it anyway?"

"It just seemed like the right idea at the time."

Of course at that time he'd still been holding a bloodied knife in his right hand.

"Talk to me, Daniel, please . . ."

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**A/N: Well will he talk do ya think? Don't forget to R/r the more review's I get the faster I'll post.****J **

**I've just made some changes to the story, hopefully improved the grammar, that sort of stuff. Working on next chapter now. It'll be up today or tomorrow. Bye. **

**Re-edited on April 4th**** 2009. Thanks for all reviews. **


	2. Don't shoot

**A/N: Heay well first I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my first reviewer, starjams88. Thanks for the suggestions. Hope you like this chapter. **

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, possible slash…not sure yet. Will change rating if it comes up. Yea that's about it for now. I'll change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. ****J**

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"_Talk to me Daniel, please…" _

**Daniels POV:**

I sighed as Jack made it all sound so simple. '_Talk to me'_, he said.

How do I do that? It should be so simple for me. I'm a linguist for crying out loud! I speak 23 different languages. This should be so simple right? I just open my mouth and words come out. Only, I can't.

My mouth is so dry, even a sip of coffee can't rid me of the desert plain my mouth has become. I feel like if I open my mouth I'll break. I'll break down and tell him everything. I can't do that though. I can't show him how weak I really am. How weak I really feel.

"Jack, I…" what can I say? I don't know the words to make this right. To make things better.

I'm terrified. At the end of the day I'm a linguist and without my words all my control seems to be gone. It's just not fair.

"Daniel, please. You're really scaring me now. Whatever it is, just tell me. We can work it out." said Jack.

"Can we? Can we really? You don't even know what it is. How can you be so sure that we can fix this?" I spat out questions fast as I thought them. I needed the answers. I needed his reassurance that things would be okay again because right now, I just couldn't believe it ever would be.

"You're right Daniel, I don't know what this thing is or how bad it really is but you have to trust me. We can get through it. I promise." He looked so sure about what he was saying, but I wasn't sure how he could do it.

"I…it's…" to my shame I felt tears stinging my eyes. I couldn't cry. Not in front of Jack.

I took a shaky breath and nodded. I looked up to see Jack staring at me, concern filling his eyes.

"It's okay." he whispered.

I don't know what it was about those two words but for some reason they got to me. Maybe it was how softly they were uttered or how much care and concern was behind them but I burst out crying after I heard them. A tremendous sob burst from my lips and I fisted my hands putting them up to my face to hide my eyes. I tried to stop really I did.

"Shh…It's okay. It'll be all right. You're safe here." At some point Jack had moved to sit beside me on the couch. His arms around me as he whispered beside my ear. "Shh, just let go. It's okay. You're going to be okay." This just made me cry harder. I turned into Jack, burying my face in Jacks neck.

"I'm sorry, so sorry. I can't, I'm so, so sorry. I try so hard. It just, it just all goes away." I felt Jack stiffen and realized I'd uttered similar words the day Jack had found me hanging off the wrong side of my balcony. Back then they had chalked up my feelings to the light when really, the light had only amplified the feelings I had already felt. Slowly I gained control of my emotions and pushed back from Jacks embrace.

"Better?" asked Jack, still whispering.

"Yeah. Thanks." I said, blushing.

"Anytime. So, wanna tell me what that was all about?" Jack asked moving back slightly further from me. Sitting back against the armrest of the couch and putting his feet up. I still didn't know what to say.

"I'm sorry for ruining the mission." I said.

"Don't worry about it. They are still willing to trade with us." replied Jack.

"That's not the point though is it! Because of me we could have been killed. Had they not decided to come thought our gate we would have had another enemy out there. The Goa'uld are bad enough Jack! I'm just, I'm just a liability. I should probably resign, leave the SGC completely." I say dejectedly.

"Now stop right there! You're not resigning! This enquiry is going to blow over. Your record more than supports you. It will work out. Okay? You're not leaving." Jack said. I looked over at him and nodded my head.

"Jack, I think…IthinkIneedhelp!" I mumble.

"What was that?" he asks, leaning towards me to hear me better. I take a deep breath and repeat what I said, slower this time. It's not easy.

"Jack, I think I need…eh…I need help." I'm so scared; worried he'll turn me away. Say I'm weak. I'm really taking a leap of faith here.

"Okay. What do you want me to do?" he asks. My head jolts up to look at him. I'm surprised he said so, so quickly, and so easily.

"What? Did you think I wouldn't want to help? Don't be stupid." he said.

"I'm sorry, you're right. I am being stupid. I just, I'm just, everything's just sort of messed up right now."

"Daniel, how can I help?" Jack's got this look in his eye that I'm wary about. It's his 'I'm on a mission and nothing's going to stop me' look. I guess there's no backing out now.

I ran my hands through my hair and sighed. Getting up of the couch I started to pace in front of Jack.

"You have to understand Jack; this is something I've never told anyone before. No one has ever found out. Not until the Prince on P3X 509. I got scared, I panicked." I said. Jack just watched me pacing. Listing with a concentration I wouldn't have thought him capable of. Making my decision I sit down beside him again.

"Please don't be angry." I whisper. He looks at me, worry lines on his face.

"I can't promise that Daniel, but I can promise I won't shout." he said. I gulp and nod my head again. It seems like the only thing I've done today. Slowly I put both arms in front of me. Between me and Jack. We both look down. Jack in confusion, me in shame. I gesture with my arms to look. I can barely speak myself.

"Look." I manage to croak out. He reaches his hands out to my arms and slowly pushes the sleeves up my arms. I hear his sharp intake of breath and try to pull my arms back. But with lightning fast reflexes he grabs both arms by the wrists. For minuets he stares at them. Just looking at all the jagged lines running both vertically and horizontally across my arms.

"Why?" he whispers.

"Lots of reasons I suppose. It just felt right. You're not mad are you?"

****

**Jacks POV: **

Am I mad? No, just worried. I tell him that. I don't tell him how disappointed I am though. How sacred I am for him. Those things I keep to myself. Right now he doesn't need to hear that.

I will help him though. I'm going to do everything in my power to help him.

"Do you want to stop?" I ask him. He thinks for a moment. A moment too long as far as I'm concerned.

"Yeah, but no. I don't know what I want Jack!" He sounds so lost, it hurts me.

"Well let me put it this way, would you like to have another way to deal with all this? Whatever all this is. Something that means you're not dependant on cutting." He's thinking again. I can practically see the wheels turning in his head.

"Yeah" he mutters.

"Okay then. Pack a bag. Take enough for a week at least. We can come back and get more then." I stand up and bring my half-full bottle of beer and his coffee cup into the kitchen.

"Pack? Why do I need to pack?" he asks.

"Well, you asked my help, so you're going to get it. And there's no way I'm leaving you here in this apartment when I know there's a perfectly good balcony waiting for use." I say as calmly as I can.

"I'm not going to kill myself Jack. I just cut. There's a big difference there." he's getting annoyed now. It's obvious.

"Well there wasn't that much of a difference the last time I found you out there was there?" I shouldn't have said that. I really shouldn't have said that. To my surprise though his shoulders slump and he kind of closes in on himself. Giving himself that self-hug of his that he's renowned for.

"I know." he says. Well that surprises me. How long has this thing really been going on for?

"Just pack okay? We'll talk again when we get to my house. I think we could both do with a break though, right?" I asked him. He just nods and leaves to go pack, I hope. God, this is not what I'd thought would happen when I Got here. I didn't know what to expect really, but this! I don't know how to handle this. I think about maybe getting some advice from the good doc Fraiser, but quickly dismiss the idea. She'd put him on track to McKenzie quick as a flash. There was NO WAY he'd talk to that quack and there was defiantly no way he'd let ever Daniel near him again. Not after the Ma'cello instant that's for certain.

But maybe he could ask anonymously. Say it was a friend's son or something like that. He should think about that.

"Daniel, are you nearly ready?" I shouted.

"Just." was the reply. He was probably trying to pick which books to bring. I walked back into the living room and waited. 10 minutes later my favourite archaeologist walked into the room, large ruk sack in his hand.

"I'm ready." he says.

"Right. Let's go." I say. We walk to the door and when I'm about to open the door he stops and puts his hand on my arm. He looks like he's trying to say something but he doesn't. He just shakes his head and gives me a pained smile. We leave the apartment and head for my truck.

****

**Daniels POV: **

The drive back to Jacks place is in silence. Both of us collecting our thoughts. The conversation in my living room had sapped us of our energy. Draining us both mentally and physically. I was ready for bed at this point. I don't think things are going to happen that way though. Jack seems like he wants to talk about it more tonight. I don't know if I can. I'll try, honestly I will, but I'm just so tired. Before I know it Jack's pulling up his drive and getting out his side of the truck. I sit there for a moment knowing that this is my point of no return. I mean it was one thing telling Jack, though that wasn't exactly easy, it's going to be a lot easier than trying to stop. I didn't have to go in. I could demand to go home and pretend that this never happened. Only I don't want to do that. I'm surprised to find that I really do want control back in my life and right now this is my only way to get it.

"You coming Daniel?" shouts Jack. I sit for a moment more.

I get out of the truck, walk up to Jack and say, "Yeah, I'm coming Jack. I'm coming." My shoulders feel a little lighter walking into Jacks house. Not significantly but there is a difference. Maybe I really can do this after all.

"Do you want a coffee Daniel?" asks Jack.

"Yeah, thanks." I reply.

"Comin' right up. Why don't you go put your bag in your room while I make it. I'll bring it into the living room." I nod at Jack and go down the hall into the room I always stay in. Jack actually has three spare rooms, but he gave me this one the night I came back from Abydos. I've stayed in this room ever since.

There was actually one night when Teal'c and Sam stayed here too. We'd gone out for dinner and had a little too much to drink so no one could drive home. We'd gotten a taxi back here and Jack had told the other two to just stay the night. Teal'c had gone into this room and was about to get settled for the night when Jack came in for whatever reason looking for me and when he saw Teal'c he actually moved him too another room. Teal'c didn't seem to mind though his eyebrows did reach stratospheric heights.

I chuckle to myself as I remember that night.

When I finished putting my clothes away I walked into the living room. There was Jack sitting on the couch with a hockey game on. However the sound was off and he wasn't holding a beer. There were two cups of coffee on the table and some biscuits.

That's surprising, I thought. As if he felt my eyes on him Jack looked up and saw me staring at him.

"Sit." he said. So I went over and sat down.

"When did you first start?" he asked. No beating around the bush with you then Jack.

"When I was about 14, I had a foster brother who did it. Walked in on him one night and asked him about it. He said it helped him stop to the noise. That it made everything slow down, and that it was like being on a high. It just helped. Anyway, one day things got real bad and I did it. Just tried it." I shrugged my shoulders and looked over at Jack again. He was nodding to himself.

"Have you ever…you know?" he seemed awkward asking this.

"Do you mean did I ever try to kill myself?" best to be blunt I thought.

"Yeah, that." he replied.

"Yes."

"I mean other than the time with the light." said Jack.

"Yes other than that time. I tried." I was trying to sound flippant, but it wasn't easy.

"Have you tried more than once?" he asked me. Did he really want to know this stuff, or was it just morbid curiosity?

"Yes, I have." I told him. He gulped.

"H-how many times?" he managed to choke out. I sighed, I really don't think he wants to know this. It must be like a car accident. You know you shouldn't look and yet you can't look away.

"4. I've tried 4 times." I say. He nods again. Suddenly he turns to me.

"And you're not counting the time the light got to you." he asks.

"No I'm not." I say.

"So, so how many of those times…eh…since you joined the SGC…have you tried since we met?" he finally manages to gasp out. I sit back in my chair, letting my head roll back and close my eyes. I'd been afraid he'd ask that. I remembered the times I'd tried in recent years.

"Daniel, how many times?" asked Jack.

"Do you really want to know this Jack?" I ask.

"Yes. Now please answer me." I sigh once more at sit up to look at him. I stare him straight in the eye then as I say, "3 times Jack. I've tried 3 times since we've met".

"Jesus." says Jack.

****

**Jack's POV: **

"But why?" I gasp out. To my surprise Daniel throws his head back and laughs. Bitterness practically dripping from him. It frightens me to see him like this.

"Why Jack? You want to know why? Well I'll tell you. Hathor gave me reason enough the first time. Sha're dying had a lot to do with the next time. Seeing my parents murdered in front of me repeatedly, over and over again contributed to my third attempt though." The scorn pouring out from his mouth was depressing to see. My sweet, innocent Daniel reduced to this.

"I'm sorry Jack. I didn't mean to snap. You don't deserve that. You're trying to help and I'm just throwing it all back in . . ."

"You have every right to be angry Daniel." I cut him off. "Those were terrible things that happened to you. I'm sorry they happened at all. I'm sorry you've been tortured like this.

"But I'm not sorry for you. I don't feel pity, and don't think I ever will. In spite of all this Daniel, I still see you as a very strong individual; you just seem a lot more human now." I say. He gives a small smile at that. I take it as a minor victory and store it away for later. Not every night will be a victory.

"Listen Daniel, without sounding too sappy I just want you to know that I'm happy you came to me about this…"

"You came to me." he says.

"Huh?" I'm confused.

"I said you came to me. You came to my apartment. You sat me down. You started this conversation. You did all of this." he said. I blink at him. I can't actually believe I'm hearing this.

"Daniel, you could have thrown me out of that apartment very easily and you know that. You didn't have to come to my house tonight. You didn't have to answer any questions. And you certainly didn't have to explain yourself. You've taken these first steps to night. This is all you. I might have just pushed things along a bit." I say.

"Thanks Jack." he says.

"No problem, remember. I'm here for you. I always have been. So if you wanna talk or if you just want to sit in silence and you don't feel like being alone, I'll be here. I promise." I smile at him to show I'm being serious. He blushes and nods again. I'm going to have to get him out of that habit, I think to myself.

"Right, well I'm bushed. How's about we hit the sack. We've an early start tomorrow at 0830." I tell him.

"Eh, Jack what do you mean we?" he asks.

"Well Daniel 'we' usually means two or more people, in this case you and me." I say.

"Smart ass." I hear him mumble.

"I thought I was banned from duty?" he asks.

"No, just from going through the gate. You can still do desk work. Though really as far as punishments go Hammond let you off light."

"How do you figure that?" he says.

"Well considering SG1 haven't got any scheduled gate travel for the next week you're not exactly going to miss anything. This enquiry will be over by Monday." I tell him.

"Don't make light of this Jack." he comments. I hold my hands up to my chest in a 'Don't shoot' gesture.

"Hey, I'm not. I'm merely saying that Hammond won't want to lose his best civilian consultant and since you've such a clean record things won't go as bad as you may think. I mean you're not military so they can't exactly court martial you can they. Don't worry Daniel, this will work out. You'll be going through that gate next week just like the rest of SG1." I say. He's still hesitant to believe me but it seems to have helped some.

"Right, night again Daniel. I'll see you in the morning." I walk out of the room and into the hall.

"Night Jack." Daniel calls out. I smile to myself as I head into my room and close the door. Maybe I can do this after all.

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**A/N: Heay, well that was chapter two. What do you think? I wasn't sure of Jack being so serious, **

**Re-edited since April 4****th**** 2009. Thanks for all reviews. **


	3. If at First You Don't Succede

**A/N: Heay, third chapter in 2 days. Not bad for a beginner eh! Hope you're all liking the story this far. Would appreciate a few more reviews though. It's getting quite annoying looking at the number two the whole time. Though I love those reviews of course. Well anyway that's it. Enjoy. **

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, possible slash…not sure yet. Will change rating if it comes up. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. ****J**

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**Jacks POV: **

I opened my eyes slowly, letting them adjust to the morning light streaming through my bedroom window. I enjoy the silence for a few minuets and I'm when I'm about to get up I hear a large BANG outside. Sitting up quickly I reach for my handgun from my bedside drawer.

"Shit!" I hear exclaimed. Daniel? It all comes back to me then. The planet, Daniel, his 'secret'. Rubbing my hands over my face I trudge out of my bedroom, the adrenaline obviously warring off.

"Good Morning, Jack. I'm sorry if I woke you up. I was just trying to make breakfast but the pots fell out of the press. I was trying to put them all back but…" Daniel started talking at him going 90 to the second.

"Whoa there, Daniel. Don't forget to breath!" I say. At least he has the curtsey to look abashed. I nod.

"Now what did you say was for breakfast?" I ask him smiling. He smiles back and starts off again. It's going to be a long morning. After finishing up a great breakfast made by Daniel we both head into our respective rooms to change for the day. I don't know what has Daniel in such a good mood this morning but hey I'm not complaining. As I start whistling the tune to 'Good morning', good morning' I hear Daniel switch the TV. on in the living room.

I walk in to see him looking out the window, he's calmed down now I think. A bit too much for my liking really. He hasn't noticed me enter the room yet so I watch him for a while. He seems distant. Like he's on another world. I think I know which one too. 'Oh Daniel, how I wish I could shoulder your burden for you. You don't need to be alone in this.' I think softly to myself. Deciding it's about time for us to leave I call over to him.

"Hey, Daniel!" He turns around to look at me. His face grim.

"Come on, time to leave." I tell him. He nods and before we know it were bundled up in my truck heading for Cheyenne Mountain.

"You going to be okay today in here?" I ask him. He takes a deep breath and looks over at me.

"I think so." he says. He doesn't realize I hear him mumble "I hope so.", under his breath also.

Pulling up outside the complex we exchange quick looks before exiting my truck and walking up to the sign in area.

**Daniels POV:**

Quickly I walked to my office and locked the door. I didn't want anybody bothering me right now. I needed some space. This morning I'd woken up a nervous wreck, but had tried to cover it up by seeming happy, normal. I hadn't lasted long. I'd forgotten how hard it was to keep your mask on for long periods of time.

I had long ago given up the pretence of a mask, preferring to say it was the lack of coffee or that I was tired from my latest trip with SG1. Staying up all night finishing a translation though is my most believable one and thus my most frequent excuse. This morning though I found that wearing my mask actually had a profoundly disheartening effect on me.

Now if anything, wearing it just made everything seem ten times worse, not better. So when Jack and I had gone our separate ways to change for the morning, I had put on the TV. to try and distract myself only to hear an article on the news saying they were finally taking my parents exhibit down after over 30 years.

For some reason, this seems to really hurt me. I can't figure out why though. I mean, I should have been happy to see rid of it right. The thing that killed my parents was finally being removed. I should be bouncing around for joy right now, right? Well maybe not bouncing but something. A smile, a celebratory drink, anything. Instead I feet like I'm losing them all over again.

The exhibit was to show for one final month before its deconstruction but I'm not going to visit the museum. The Gamekeepers had ensured that I would never forget the set up. I didn't need to go back and see it all again, right?

Right.

I just need to focus on something else. I'm just being silly, losing my parents all over again. I just need to find myself a good hard translation to get lost in. '_Knock, knock'_

"Daniel, you in there?"

I looked up at the clock in surprise. It was time for lunch already! I walked over to the door and unlocked it.

"Hey Sam," I said quietly "What brings you round these parts?" She looked at me in surprise for a moment.

"You've been spending too much time with the Colonel." she mumbled. "Eh the Colonel sent me to get you for lunch. He's gone to get Teal'c so we can all eat together."

"Oh right yeah. Sure. Just a minuet. Just let me save what I'm doing on the computer. Come in, I won't be a second." I tell her.

"Why's your door locked anyway?" she asks me. I tried not to stiffen at the question.

"Oh, eh…difficult translation. Didn't want any distraction." I tell her. She smirked at me, the scientist in her showing through.

Once my work was saved we left my office and went down to the commissary together. When we got there Jack and Teal'c were already sitting down talking animatedly, well Jack was. Teal'c just sat there raising an eye brow every couple of minuets.

"Hey guys, over here." called Jack when he spied us.

We got some food trays and sat down at the table. Feeling hungry for once I had gotten pork chops with potatoes and carrots. The others had gotten similar things.

"Hungry Daniel?" asked Jack a tone sarcasm in his voice. I glared at him. Thinking don't ruin my appetite for me now.

"So, guys," Jack starts talking about what we should do something tonight. Seeing as we're all off for the weekend. Eventually it's decide that they'll all stay at Jacks house tonight and we'd rent a film, buy a couple of pizzas.

As I was eating my pork I was getting more and more frustrated with the meat. It was to tough and cutting it was a bitch. Suddenly I hiss in pain and Jacks head shoots around towards me.

My hand is bleeding, it's typical really. I'm supposed to being trying not to cut and yet here I do it by accident. That's irony for you.

**Jacks POV: **

I heard Daniels hiss of pain and I turned towards him, only to feel my face pale as I see the blood dripping from his hand. Quickly I use a napkin to staunch the flow. There's a surprising amount of blood letting from the wound.

"Infirmary, now!" I say. Standing up. My face and my voice firm. He looks up at me with this completely lost look on his face and I feel myself soften.

"Come on Daniel, we'll go together." I whisper. Slowly he puts his hand over the napkin himself, pressing hard. Both Teal'c and Carter come with us too. They can sense something's up. Something more than a slip of a knife.

'_Jesus I hope that's all it was. Just an accident. Please let it have just been an accident. I couldn't take it if he'd been feeling so low that he hade to cut himself in front of us all, and I didn't even notice his pain. I'm supposed to be helping him…' _

Before I can finish my thoughts we reach the infirmary and all walk in. Janet looks up surprised to see all four of us enter.

"Well, what's happened this time?" she asks. For some reason she stares at me. I'm not to blame for this!

"It's nothing Janet, I just cut myself with the knife and the other's wanted me to get it checked out." says Daniel.

How can he say it so calmly? She motions for him to sit on the bed and he takes the napkin of his wound. It's still bleeding slightly but no where near as bad as before.

"Right well it's going to need a few stitches. How'd you manage that?" she asked him.

"Eh, pork was a little over done in the commissary today." he said looking abashed.

The doc tutted and went of to get some supplies. Carter looked at her watch beside him and gasped.

"Sorry sir, sorry Daniel, I have to go. I'm supposed to be debriefing SG-8 in 5 minuets."

I told her to go and she pegged it outta there saying goodbye to Daniel on her way out.

"I must also take my leave O'Neill, Daniel Jackson. I am past my time to Kel'no'reem."

"Okay see ya buddy." I say.

"Buy Teal'c." says Daniel. He nods to us both and leaves the infirmary.

"And then there were two." I say trying to lighten the mood. I get a weak smile from Daniel. He sighs and my concern grows. I'm talking before I even realized I've opened my mouth.

"Daniel, eh, did you?…" I stutter and stammer my way through the question.

"What? Did I do it on purpose?" he asks me. His voice was low but clear. I nod once.

He snorts, "No, Jack, I didn't do it on purpose."

"Okay, Daniel, roll up your sleeve please." came the clear voice of Janet, interrupting our conversation.

"Colonel you need to leave now please." she said to me.

"I'll be just out side, Daniel." All I got was a nod in return. I turned away slowly enough that I got a surprise when I saw Daniels arm. It was completely clear! As I sat there waiting for Daniel to come out from behind the curtain, I couldn't get my mind off his lack of cuts. How'd he do it?

"Right, Daniel, you're free to go. I want to check the stitches on Monday though."

I heard Daniel reply in the affirmative and the curtain was pushed back to see a pale Daniel walk up to him, his left hand bandaged. Without saying a word we walk back to his office. When I go in we both sit down. Me on his couch, him on his chair.

"What?" he asks some what harshly.

"I'm sorry I asked if you'd…you know…I was just concerned. I didn't know…"

"So what! Every time I get a minor injury you're going to think I did it on purpose? That I did it to myself?" he cuts across me.

"No. Of course not. Look I'm not trying to say that. I did only find out about this yesterday and I'm having a little trouble figuring out haw to handle it all. It's not exactly easy you know." I told him.

"Get out!"

"Excuse me?"

"Get out!" he tells me again.

"If I'm so much trouble then don't bother. You don't know how to handle me? I'm NOT a gun or a fishing pole. I'm not something you can hold and practice with. I'm a person"

"I know you're a person. Jesus, Daniel, you're blowing this all way outta proportion." By the look on his face I realized I shouldn't have said that.

"Leave, Jack. Just go." His shoulders slump and he hugs himself looking so, well, pathetic.

I sighed and left his office. Closing his door behind me I slump against it and resist the urge to punch the wall, hard.

**Daniels POV:**

"Damn it!" I yell, slamming my good hand down on the table. I hadn't meant to get so defensive. I don't know why I reacted that way. I knew well that Jack hadn't had much time to process this and that he was like a mothering-hen on his good days. So why had I expected any different now? I hadn't really. But I suppose when he said I was trouble, it got to me. I don't like causing trouble. I normally go out of my way to avoid it. Though no matter what I usually end up right, smack dab in the middle of it anyway. Typical.

I lean forward on my seat arms brushing my knees, head balancing on my arms.

'_God I'm so stupid. I can't do anything right. Freak! Waste of space! Useless piece of shit!'_

Terms from my childhood come back to haunt me. I start to rock myself in the chair, hands fisting clumps of my hair, nearly pulling it out.

'_They were right. I can't do anything right. I am stupid. A freak. A waste of space. A piece of civilian shit in a military world' _

My breathing has increased rapidly. I can hear the blood flowing through my ears. My face heats up as it tries to release tears that refuse to budge.

Franticly I start looking through my drawers looking for something sharp. I don't usually do 'anything' when I'm at work but right now I can't stop myself. I need to bleed.

"Got it." I cry my hands closing around a scalpel like instrument, usually meant to scrape away dirt between really fine groves of artefacts.

It was very sharp, it would do. Huddling over in a corner of my office I pull up my sleeve. Using the end of my shirt I viciously rub of the make-up I have covering my arms.

When I can see all my cuts pretty clearly, some of which have started bleeding again due to my rough removal of the cover-up, I place the 'scalpel' at my wrist.

Looking at it for a second I move the 'scalpel' further up my arm, out of such dangerous territory. Pressing down hard I draw a line across my arm. Watching the blood flow up calms me a bit. Repeating my actions3 more times I watch the blood flow down my arm freely now.

Fascinated by the random patterns the blood trails make I never hear my office door open. I do hear the gasp of breath and the rush of feet coming towards me though.

I look up sharply when I hear someone rush towards me. They're blurry and I realize it's because at some point I seem to have dropped my glasses.

"Oh, Daniel…" It's Janet I realize.

She's speaking to me but it's not getting through my self-induced haze. I think I feel her hands over my wrist. She's trying to stop the blood I realize. I try to struggle but it's a pitiful attempt.

I don't know why things are so disconnected. It's not like I had cut very deep. I've in fact cut deeper on occasions before this. So why is am I feeling the effects of this cut so acutely now? I think I feel Janet leave me for a moment, but before I could be sure she was back. Whispering to me.

"Shh….going to be all right….hold on…don't….asleep…"

It all just went on, going in one ear and out the other. It was like everything around me was liquid, fluid and cooling. I was so confused.

"Jesus, Daniel!" Was there someone else there? It sounded male.

"Oh, Daniel…sorry…forgive…help…"

Yes, I know the sound of that voice.

"J'ck?" I croaked out.

"Yea, Danny It's me. Hold on in there for a little longer eh?" But it was too late, my world had gone black.

**Janet's POV:**

Walking briskly down the corridor towards Dr. Jackson office I held the small bottle of tablets in my hand. Daniel had forgotten to take them with him earlier and this had been my first chance to get away so I could give them to him. I would have sent an SF but it's against regulations.

Tablets could only be given out by the doctor treating you. Nurses could give you your meds when you needed them while in the infirmary but not full prescriptions.

And while every one on this base was trust worthy it was foolish to take un-necessary risks, especially where SG-1 was concerned, so I took him the pills myself. Knocking on the door I slowly stepped into the room.

Looking around for the man in question my ears picked up heavy breathing. Following the sound I gasped when saw Daniel, tucked up in a little corner of his office, blood seeping down one arm.

I started to rush towards him when he looked at me, freezing me where I stood.

His eyes, his normally beautiful sky blue eyes where now cold and icy. Devoid of life, showing nothing but pain and sorrow.

"Oh, Daniel..." I whisper. I finally gained control of myself again and crouched down beside him.

Talking his arm in both of mine I tried to staunch the blood flow as quickly as possible. He tries to fight me off but, his attempt is feeble at best.

I get up quickly and use the phone in Daniels office to call the infirmary to get a stretcher up here and I call Colonel O'Neill too. He might be able to help with Daniel. I kneel down again beside Daniel and do my best to keep him awake.

"Shh, Daniel. It's going to be alright. I need you to hold on. Don't go asleep just yet, Daniel. Daniel, don't fall asleep!"

"Jesus, Daniel!" Colonel O'Neill cried when he entered the room.

He managed to get here before my staff. To my surprise the Colonel also kneeled down beside Daniel, but instead of trying to find out why Daniel had done this as I had expected he would he started apologizing.

"Oh, Daniel, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. Please forgive me. I didn't give you enough help. I'm so sorry."

"J'ck?" croaked Daniel.

"Yeah, Danny It's me. Hold on in there for a little longer eh?" said the Colonel.

**Jack's POV:**

I was sitting in my office looking at a ton of paper work slowly consume my desk when I got the call.

"Colonel O'Neill?" said the voice.

"Yeah." I answered.

"It's Doctor Fraiser. I need you down in Daniels office ASAP!" she told me.

"Colonel?" she said. I'd already left the room before she'd finished her sentence.

'_Damn it, Daniel! What did you do? What did I do?' _

I knew well that I shouldn't have left things as I had, but I was just so angry and I didn't think it was the best thing for Daniel to see.

The irony is though it was myself I'd been angry with. I was angry with myself for not keeping my temper and upsetting Daniel.

"Jesus, Daniel!" Is the 1st thing I say when I see him curled up on the floor with Doc Frasier kneeing over him. Quickly I walk over to them both and kneel down next to Daniel also.

"Oh, Daniel, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. Please forgive me. I didn't give you enough help. I'm so sorry." I apologize my heart out, worry loosening my tongue.

Then I hear it. That magical sound that is Danny's voice.

"J'ck?" he croaks out.

"Yeah, Danny It's me. Hold on in there for a little longer eh?" but he's already gone.

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**A/N: Heay, thanks for the reviews on the last two chapters. Hope you like this one too. Yes It's a bit of a cliff hanger. I just couldn't resist. Hee hee. Well please review quickly. I like to know how I'm doing with my story. xx**

**Re-edited on April 4****th**** 2009. Thanks for all reviews. **


	4. Meeting Dr McNally

A/N: Heay, thanks for the reviews. Was seriously Happy with them! J Nana lee, don't worry. Comments like that are what I need. I'm going to make mistakes while doing this, and I won't always catch them. I've changed the time Daniels parents exhibit was up. Thanks for pointing that out. I really just wasn't thinking. I know the story is quite dark and it will get darker yet. I do plan to go into Daniels past a bit more but it wont be for another couple of chapters yet. The subject is serious yes, I also have knowledge on it, and I wouldn't for one moment suggest that Daniel could over come this without professional support but Jack is going to play a major role in this story. Don't worry, the pros will be called in.

Thanks Fly Casual for your suggestions in the last chapter I meant to thank you then but got a bit distracted and forgot to add it while typing.

Starjems88 thanks too. Lovin' the reviews. J

Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, possible slash…not sure yet. Will change rating if it comes up. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else.

Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. J

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"**Carter, how you holding up?" Colonel O'Neill walked into Samantha Carter's lab to find her fighting of tears.**

"**I just can't believe he's gone." she said. Tear tracks clearly evident now that she's turned to face him.**

"**Yeah, I feel the same way too. He'll be missed." He said.**

"**What are we going to do? How can we…" she trailed off.**

"**Yeah, I know. It's hard. He was our best friend, loyal, caring, always there when you needed him. It's not fair." O'Neill finished passionately.**

"**It was before his time. He was too young to die. So young. He had so much of his life ahead of him sir." she said.**

"**Tell me about it. Remember all the times we'd go walking in the park…he loved the park." his voice getting thicker with emotion.**

"**What time is the funeral do you know sir?" asked Sam.**

"**10:00 am, we've got him a real nice spot in the cemetery. He'll like it there, I know he will." Jack try to sound confidant.**

"**Sir, it's 14:00, we have to…"**

"**Yeah I know." he cut her off. "Come on. Let's go." Colonel and Major walk side by side their grief palpable.**

"**Teal'c, any news?" Jack asked their large friend.**

"**Indeed, Daniel Jackson has awakened. Doctor Frasier is checking him over as we speak."**

**Daniels POV:**

I had just woken up a few minutes ago, Teal'c was sitting by my side. He told me the bad news. The dog Jack had bought Cassie years ago had been run over by a car this morning. It was a hard blow for all of them as they had each spent time with the dog while Cassie had been settling into life on Earth. He would be sorely missed.

There would be a funeral for him tomorrow in the pet cemetery not far from here. Apparently Jack had bought the dog a good plot. I hope I can go tomorrow.

That brings me back to my own problems unfortunately.

Yesterday afternoon I had cut myself several times.

However while the cuts were not too deep I had forgotten the pain medication Frasier had practically force feed me earlier that day. The two in combination had resulted in my previous black out. I'd been lucky in some ways. Had I cut any deeper I could have ended up in a coma or worse!

I supposed it depended on your take of things though, didn't it. It depended on whether or not I wanted to die that day. God, I really was mad.

"Is the bandage two tight, Daniel?" asked Janet.

"No, it's fine." I say. I actually feel fine today would you believe it! It's not fair really. It's not fair that my secret is found out when I've made the resolve to stop cutting. It's not fair that I feel completely fine today and yet because of yesterday I'm being sent to a therapist, not McKenzie thank God, but a therapist none the less.

"Daniel, Daniel look at me please." begs Janet.

"What?" I ask tiredly.

"I just want you to know that I am here to talk, if you ever want to. I won't turn you away, or not believe you. I want to help you. Please let me help you." she whispers the last part. I nod at her knowing I won't actually go to her about this, but it was nice of her to offer. Even if it did make the both of us feel uncomfortable.

"I'll remember that." It seems good enough for her. She nods and pulls back the curtains from the bed. To my surprise I see the other three quarters of my team standing by the door, looking at me.

"Daniel!" Sam exclaims and she rushes over to hug me. I feel the air rush out of my lungs as her force hits me like a ton of bricks.

"Sam…air…" I manage to gasp out.

"Oh, sorry." she had the grace to blush. Teal'c and Jack follow her at a more sedate pace.

"It is good to see you well again, Daniel Jackson."

"Thanks, Teal'c" he bows his head at me. I look over towards Jack under my eyelashes. He doesn't look like he's about to kill me. But then he doesn't look impressed either.

"You lied to me." he says.

"Huh?" I try to think what he means.

"You. Lied. To. Me" loud and clear then.

"How? When?" I'm trying to figure this out. Sam and Teal'c look about as confused as I do. Well Sam does anyway.

"I asked you did you want to stop. You said yes! You didn't stop though. You Lied!!"

Slowly the gears click into place.

"No, no it wasn't like that. I wasn't thinking straight at the time. It wasn't a conscious decision to break my promise. Please, Jack, you have to believe me." Jacks trust in me means a great deal. I wasn't sure I could cope without it.

"Why?" he asked. Mouth taunt.

"Why? Why what?" I ask. I'm not trying to act dumb. I'm genuinely confused about all of this.

"Why didn't you come to me?" he seemed to force it out past his teeth.

"I-I well, we'd just fought, and I thought that…"

"So it was because of me then…" he cut me off.

"No!" I shout over him. "It was me. All me. Stupid me, messing up as usual. You have no blame in this."

"Then why didn't you come to me? Even after we'd fought?"

"I'd thought that maybe you wouldn't want to see me so soon after we'd fought." I muttered quietly.

"Daniel, I don't care if we've just torn shreds out of each other. If you need to talk I'll listen no matter what the circumstances. I know I'm not exactly patient at times but I'm only human. Please, talk to me. I'll listen."

"We all will, Daniel." says Sam. "You can talk to any one of us. We'll NEVER turn you away. You got that!" she asks. I'm starting to realize just why she's a Major in the Air Force.

"Yeah." I say as I turn a lovely shade of magenta.

"Daniel, why'd you do this to yourself?" asks Sam.

"I too am confused as to the purpose of your actions, Daniel Jackson." said Teal'c.

"I don't know."

It's not a lie per se, but right now I really don't know. Everything is just blurring in my head. My emotions are raw and I feel trapped.

Everyone's finally left me in peace. I'm still in the infirmary unfortunately, and on suicide watch.

They all seem to believe it wasn't a suicide attempt knowing exactly what effect the pain killers had, had on me at the time, but they're not taking any chances either. I should be annoyed at them all but I just don't seem to have the energy to care.

Jack, Sam and Teal'c were kicked out of the infirmary about an hour ago and I was been glad for the respite. After my refusal to answer any of their questions they took the not-so-subtle hint and changed the topic.

Janet said I could go to the funeral tomorrow though. I want to be there, to support Cassie. Janet said she'd taken his death very hard.

"Dr. Jackson?"

A small man with darkish hair walked over to him. He was wearing jeans and a light blue sweater. He had tennis shoes on and seemed to project a very relaxing atmosphere.

"I'm Dr. McNally, Dr. Frasier may have told you why I'm here."

Ah so this was the therapist Janet had been telling me about. I sit back on the bed and consider him for a moment. I can see immediately that he knows what I'm doing and allows me to look while he waits.

"Well, you don't waste time do you." I say. I give him a small indulgent smile. He grins back at me.

"No, no I don't. How's about we get out of here. Go top side for a while?" he asks. Desperate to get outta the infirmary, even for just a little while I readily agree.

"Sure, but I need to get some clothes." I tell him. I really hate the gowns they give us here. Especially since it gets draffy if you have to get up and go to the toilet.

"Right." he walks off whistling and returns with some clothes and closes the curtain around my bed. I shake my head in disbelief. Or maybe it's in wonder? Oh well.

We make our way up and out of the mountain until we're sitting up top. We sit in silence for about 20 minutes and I begin to get twitchy. I start to fidget until eventfully I give in and ask what we're supposed to be doing.

"Whatever you want, Dr. Jackson…."

"Daniel." I tell him. He nods his head in the affirmative,

"Whatever you want, Daniel. This is your session. It's all up to you." he tells me. I really cannot get my head around this guy.

"Okay then. Um, can you explain what supposed to be going on?" I ask.

"Well that depends. If you're asking me what's supposed to be going on in your sessions, I'd have to say I don't know. 'Cause like I said, that's up to you. But if you're asking me what's to go on in sessions in general…" he trails off looking at me for his answer.

"Yeah, that's what I mean. How are things done? What's the, oh, I don't know, protocol for these things?" I look at him curiously.

"Well . . . officially this is our first session, so it would be expected that we'd only talk about small things. Ease you into it, if you get my drift. Afterwards I'd ask about your relationships; family, friends, sexual. We'd speak about your past and what you hope for, for the future. Hopefully we'd begin to discuss your self-harming and all that goes with that.

"But, I would like to point out that you control these sessions. If there's something you want to talk about, then talk. If there's something you don't want to talk about tell me. I won't push. But there's one thing I require from you. Honesty. I have full clearance of this facility so you can talk to me in confidence. I have read over a few of your mission reports so I do know you deal in unusual things. The point is, you don't have to hide anything from me. Everything you tell me is in the strictest confidence. The only way I could break my oath is if you were to call me up some time threatening suicide. Or else if I somehow discover you've been taken over by one of these Goold's" he says.

"Goa'uld." I say.

"Huh?"

"It's pronounced Goa'uld." I tell him.

"Oh, right. Thanks. Anyway, you get my point right? You're in control. For the moment we'll be speaking for about an hour every day or so. We can change that if you want. Eventually the sessions will space out a bit. This is just for in the beginning." he stands up and stretches.

"Oh, don't you have other patients?" I ask, surprised at the amount of time I'm going to be spending with this man.

"No. I'm special therapist for the military. Only do one person at a time. There's about 20 of us employed by the military. There are others but they are like Dr. McKenzie, they work with several people at a time." he tells me.

My stomach drops at the thought of McKenzie. How close I came to 'talking' with him again.

"You don't like Dr. McKenzie?" he asks.

"No, I don't. Have you read the reports on the Ma'cello incident?"

He shakes his head in the negative.

"Well . . . do."

"You know, Daniel I can't just read the report on everything. I need you to be able to tell me. To be able to say what happened and how it affected you emotionally."

"I understand. But, it would help me if I didn't have to stop and explain every little detail. You need to be able to understand what I'm talking about and that might take homework."

"Okay, that's fine. I'll read the file on this Ma'cello case tonight and we'll talk about it whenever you bring it up. Is there anything you want to talk about now however? We still have half an hour." he informs me.

I know I'm being all pleasant and nice. I know I must seem like I'm being co-operative but frankly, while I am intrigued I'm not ready to give this guy anything yet.

"No, not right now thanks."

He stares at me. "Daniel, what did I say the one rule was?"

I look at him blankly. "Oh, eh, honesty." I say.

"Exactly. So do you want to try again?"

He's good, I think. Wonder how he can tell people are lying to him so easily.

"What do you want me to say?" I ask.

"Well the truth would be nice."

He's looking at me now, so intently it's beginning to un-nerve me. I'm not telling him this. I'm not comfortable just opening up to him like this. He has no business pushing me like this.

"You're angry now. Why is the truth so difficult for you? Or maybe it's not the truth but what it represents. Am I right?"

I just keep staring at him.

"Yes, I think I am right. It's not the truth you fear but the feeling of being so open. Exposing yourself to someone. Especially someone you don't know."

He seems pretty confidents in his assessments.

"WHERE THE HELL DO YOU GET OFF SUGGESTING THINGS LIKE THAT!! HOW DARE YOU IMPLY THAT…" I've started shouting and pace in front of the man. I look at his face and if I didn't know any better I'd say he was smiling.

"What could you possibly have to smile at?" I ask him incredulously.

"Well, I had wondered if I'd see your temper at all today. I mean you were too polite. Most people can't stand shrinks and normally fight tooth and nail. You on the other are sneakier aren't you? You were going to play the good little patient and try and slip away as quick as possible."

I felt myself blush not realizing I'd been so obvious.

"So want to answer my question now?" he asks me.

There's no getting around this guy. If I'm doing this I'm doing it for real.

"I don't want to talk about anything else right now because I don't feel comfortable enough to do so." I sigh as I watch his face.

It's stupid I think. He probably thought it was something more serious and yet here I am just being a baby, too afraid to talk to him.

"Thank-you for being honest with me, do you think you will be able to talk to me? Eventually? You can't have a therapist you don't feel comfortable talking to." he says.

"Try telling that to McKenzie." I mutter. He's looking at me expectantly, waiting for an answer. I don't doubt for one second that he heard my last comment but he's choosing not to repeat it.

"Yeah, I think so. Just, just not right away."

He nods.

"That's good enough for me. So want to head back in or stay here for a little longer?" he asks me.

He's not looking at me though, but at the view. Much as I'd like to stay out here a little longer I need to be on my own. Think a little. Some space would be nice. Maybe I could convince Janet to let me back into my office for a little while. Even just an hour would be nice.

"Eh, go back in I think." he seems to understand why and leads me back into the mountain. He stops at the elevators though.

"I think you can make it back to the infirmary yourself, eh?" he winks and turns in the other direction.

I stand still for a moment. I'm confused. This guy is really throwing my through a loop today. He doesn't fit the therapists mould. I turn and begin to head towards the infirmary. That's another thing. I was told I had to have an escort all day today. Constant supervision. And while I'm not exactly completely own my own, security camera's, it does feel good to be allowed to walk on my own. I realize that at the moment it's a privilege.

"Daniel! Where is Dr. McNally?" Janet rushes over to me. I smile down at her.

"It's okay. He left me at the elevators. We talked." seeing I really am okay she calms down a little.

"Oh, how was it?" she asks.

"It was all right. Surprising really. He's not like other therapists is he?"

She laughs a little.

"No, you're right. He's not. He reminds me of you actually." she tells me with a gleam in her eyes.

"Me! Why me?" I splutter.

"Well your personalities are quite similar. I'd say had you met under different circumstances you'd be quite close."

"Right, well Janet I was wondering if I could go back to my office for a bit. Not long and I won't work. I just want to have a look through a couple of my books." She doesn't look certain. I pout to seal the deal.

"Fine, but I want to back in 1 hour." I smile.

"Thanks Janet." I say as I walk back towards the infirmary doors.

"But you have to take someone from SG-1 with you." I freeze. Slowly I turn back around at look at Janet in disbelief.

"Are you serious?"

"I'm sorry, Daniel. You know the rules. Dr. McNally letting you come down from top-side on your own was one thing. Leaving you in your office, where you harmed yourself, for an hour is another thing entirely. You have to have supervision." She did sound genuinely sorry. But right now it didn't matter.

"Fine, whatever." I ground out and left the infirmary. I didn't know that Janet had called the rest of SG-1 to be on the lookout for me.

I didn't know who to go to. I really did just want to be on my own. Teal'c would probably start to Kel'no'reem with me, but I'm too twitchy to meditate properly.

Sam, scientist that she is would try and find the answers. Even if I didn't know them myself. She cares about me of course, and would never hurt me on purpose, but sometimes she just didn't know when enough was enough.

That left Jack. Could I go to Jack?

Was I comfortable enough to go to him, even after all that's happened?

'_If you wanna talk or if you just want to sit in silence and you don't feel like being alone, I'll be here. I promise'_

Turning right I head down the corridor that contains Jacks office. Normally I'd just walk in but today I knock.

"Come In." I walk in and shut the door quietly behind me.

"Daniel. What can I do for you?" he asks.

He shuffles some papers, closes a folder and puts everything to the corner of a clean desk. For a moment I blink.

"…Desk…" I hold my hand to my heart. He chuckles deeply.

"No, not that simple. Come . . . look." I walk towards him.

That's when I see 7 or 8 stacks knee high, piled on the ground.

"There was too much on the desk. I had some SF's transfer the piles to the floor before there was an avalanche!"

I laugh quietly with him for a moment.

"So what brings you 'round these parts anyway?" he asks again.

"Eh, you busy?" I ask uncomfortably.

He looks at me for a moment. His eyes searching.

"No. Wanna talk?" he asks.

"No." I shake my head.

He seems to sense that I'm not finished yet. I sigh and sit down on the couch in his office.

"What I really wanted was to be alone. I have some stuff I need to…think about. But Janet said I couldn't go to my office without someone from SG-1."

"You want me to go to your office with you?" he asks.

He'd go with me too. I can see that.

"No, I just, I just need to think. But maybe Janet's right and I shouldn't be alone. Not for the moment anyway."

"Do you feel like…" he trails off.

"No, just…lonely I suppose." I hug myself as Jack moves to lock his door. I raise a questioning eyebrow.

"We don't want anyone to disturb us do we?" I smile at him.

"No, I don't suppose we do." Jack comes to sit on the couch beside me. I'm still nervous about this whole comfort thing. I don't know how to ask for it and I'm not always comfortable receiving it.

"Come here, Danny." Jack raises his arms as I scoot over to him a little. I feel somewhat awkward and I don't know where to put my arms but he's helping.

"Shh, relax now." He pulls me closer now.

My head is resting on his chest, just above his heart. It's soothing. He's rubbing one hand on my back with circular motions. His other hand is on my arm, rubbing it in downward strokes. I sigh in contentment.

"That's it Danny, you just take all the comfort you need. I'm here."

He's whispering these things in my ear and I'm finding my eyes grow heavy. I don't fight it. I feel like I fit into Jack perfectly. It's so comfortable.

"Sleep, Danny. I'll be here when you wake up." he says while he continues petting me like a cat. I take his advice and fall into Morpheus' gentle grasp.

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**A/N: Heay, well don't forget to Read/Review. I'm always happy to revive constructive criticism, else how will I ever learn. **

**Re-edited on April 4th**** 2009. Thanks for all reviews. **


	5. Punnishment

**A/N: Heay, thanks for the reviews again guys. Sorry about the beginning being so cruel though but I couldn't resist. I thought the story needed something that would make you sit back and think 'Oh thank-God for that!' I tried to add bits of humour to the piece but I'm not sure if I pulled it off very well though. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up dating this piece as fast as I have been but you need to know I'm writing each chapter as it's being posted. I don't have the story already written. I'm not chapters ahead of myself. In fact I'm just as eager to see where this story will go, as you are! Sorry about the Morpheus comment at the end of the chapter. I missed that episode I'm ashamed to say. I am however trying to watch every episode. Which is not as easy as it sounds. I'm starting to think box sets! Well that's all for now folks. Hope you like this chapter. **

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, possible slash…not sure yet. Will change rating if it comes up. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. J **

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**Jacks POV: **

I open my eyes wearily wondering where I am for a moment. Then I feel the weight of somebody lying on top of me. I look down to see Daniel's sleeping face. I must have fallen asleep too when he came to me. I was leaning back against the arm rest and the back of the couch slightly, Daniel wrapped against my side on the inside of the couch. At some point we both had our feet up.

I should probably feel weird lying like this with another man, but with Daniel it doesn't feel weird. It feels right. I stop that train of thought though, and look towards the clock. It's 21:00. We've been asleep for nearly 5 hours. It seemed a shame to wake him up but I really needed to get him back to the infirmary. People were probably worried. Fraiser was going to have my hide.

"Daniel, wake up." I jostle him a bit but he only mumbled something and tried to bury his head in deeper. I chuckle a bit at that.

"Oh Danny, rise and shine. Come on Danny." I say in a sing-song voice.

Finally he begins to wake up and when he opens his eyes at looks up at me I can't keep a check on my amusement.

"Have a good nap?" He blushes but makes no move to . . . well, move. I'm surprised, but I say nothing.

"Eh…thanks…for um…earlier. You didn't have to…eh…yeah thanks…" he stumbles around his words.

"Anytime." I say. I hug him again and he leans into me.

"We'd better go or Fraiser will have my ass." He raises an eyebrow. "You're supposed to be staying in the infirmary tonight, right?"

He nods his head in agreement.

"Well it's 21:15 now, so I'd say she's probably a little worried where her most frequent patient is."

He looks up at the clock startled. But then he's calm again.

"Please don't make me go back there. I hate it there. Everyone's watching me like I'm made of glass."

"Daniel that's cause there scared and they've lost you so many times already, they're afraid it'll happen again. Only this time they won't be able to get you back." I told him quietly.

**Janet's POV:**

'_Where the HELL is he?'_ I think to myself.

I told him one hour and that was over five hours ago! I knew he would go to someone from SG-1 and if he didn't they would find him. So I wasn't worried about his whereabouts.

However I was worried my patient was being over worked. Teal'c would be the only one I could trust to keep him calm enough and I know he isn't with Teal'c as I saw him in the mess hall at lunch.

Sam would get him all excited about some new discovery or other and the Colonel would get him all riled up. I wanted my patient back, and I wanted him back NOW!!

**Georges' POV:**

'_It is my recommendation that…no, that won't do. Daniel Jackson should be…no, that's not right either.' _

My thoughts tumbled through my head as I try to figure out what to write for my report on Dr. Jackson. I love Daniel, I really do. Almost like a son, but he had done something very wrong here and like any good parent I would have to punish my child. Even if it kills me to do so.

_How_ to punish Daniel however, was a different matter. When I found out what had transpired on P3X-509, I had been so shocked I nearly hadn't believed it. When they told me though, that they were still willing to trade with them, I started to question them why. It turns out, they like the Tau'ri, thought we had _'potential'_. I am beginning to hate that term. They also said that they wanted to help Daniel, that he had a lot of pain inside and that they understood why he had lashed out.

Prince Lamenkesh, that was his name, told me that he had called for the guards as a precaution but they had taken his orders further than he had anticipated and they had been duly punished for it. That's what won me over. I know quite a bit about Daniel's past and could believe what they were telling me. Not just SGC missions, but his life before the Stargate.

Now that his self harm has been brought to light, I'm even more confused by what to do. Daniel is strong, but a man could only hold so much on his shoulder's before breaking.

How much longer before he would snap? Settling my thoughts down I concentrate on my report and write what I hope is right.

"Dr. Fraiser," I call over the phone, "I was wondering if Dr. Jackson was awake. There is some things I need to speak with him…"

"…What?…where? Well, get somebody on it. I'll be down in a few minutes."

I hung up the phone and shake my head in expiration.

Sorting out a few more files on my desk I head down to the infirmary, checking in on Colonel O'Neill on my way.

_Knock, knock._

I'm surprised at hearing a key turned, rather than the usual _'come in'_.

"General!" Jack moves to step out the door, closing it behind him. "What's up? Sir…" he adds as an afterthought.

"I'm looking for Dr. Jackson, there's some things we need to discuss. He's not in the infirmary and I was just wondering…"

"Yeah, he's inside." he cuts me off.

"Is everything o.k.?"

"I don't know sir, is it?" he says giving me a very telling look.

"Colonel…" I growl out.

"Sorry, Sir. He's not great, but he's getting there. He fell asleep earlier and I didn't want to wake him. I didn't realize that he was on a time limit. We were just about to head down to the infirmary now."

I say nothing about the locked door. It's better if I don't know.

"Right, well I'll be waiting down there for him. Bring him down now, please, Colonel."

"Yes, Sir."

I turn and walk to the infirmary.

Upon entering, I inform Dr. Fraiser, "He's with Colonel O'Neill. They'll be down in a minute."

**Daniels POV: **

We walked down the corridors and I kept my head down. I felt embarrassed waking up to Jack the way I did. Aside from his first comment, he hadn't mentioned the sleeping arrangements since.

I didn't want to think about it too much. My emotions were all over the place at the moment. It made sense that my feelings about Jack would be a little…off…too. Right? I hope so, because my feelings for Jack were starting to take a very dramatic turn. I'm not sure I could handle that.

"Dr. Jackson, there you are." I hadn't realized that Jack and I had entered the infirmary until Dr. Frasier had addressed me.

"Dr. Jackson we need to talk." Says General Hammond.

"I'm sorry sir, but, that'll have to wait. I need to examine Daniel first."

"Very well."

"Come on Daniel."

I follow her behind a curtained bed and she begins to change the bandages on my arm.

"When the General is finished talking to you, I want you in bed. You've tired yourself out."

She pulled the curtain away and I saw Jack and General Hammond talking. I cleared my throat and they looked towards me. I sat on the side of the bed and they both approached me.

"Dr. Jackson, I have gotten in touch with the President and the joint chiefs and we've decided that since the people of P3X-509 have not taken offence, and have still offered to trade with us, you will not be submitted to an investigation. However, you will be taken from off-world travel for one-month. Consider it your punishment."

Hammond gave me a small smile to show me everything was all right between us. I smiled back at him, letting him know I understood.

"So, does that mean he's still on the team?"

"Yes, Colonel, it does. Just not for a month."

"Great!" said Jack, rubbing his hands together.

I watched General Hammond leave the infirmary and gave a sigh of relief. Jack looked at me and was about to say something when . . .

"Dr. Jackson, in bed. NOW!" Janet walked over to me, hands on hips.

I gulped, pulled the curtains around the bed again and got changed into the robe she had left on my bed. _'I hate these things!'_ When I was ready I started to pull the curtain back and Jack pulled it the rest of the way.

"I've got to leave for the night now. You'll be spending a lot of time with me otherwise though, so enjoy your last night of peace."

I looked at Jack realizing he was right. Until I was classified as _'stable'_, I would be spending my nights supervised.

I was surprised to find myself wishing Jack would say, _'Don't be so silly, you just enjoy my company. You'll be spending a lot of time with me after this. One night won't kill you.'_

I nod at Jack. "See you tomorrow then?" I was ashamed at how venerable I sounded.

"Of course, Danny. Tomorrow." He hesitated for a seconded but gave me a quick hug.

My breath caught and I couldn't believe my eyes were tearing up. He took a step back and looked at my face.

"Do you want me to stay a while?" he asks.

"No, it's fine. Thanks though." I tell him, my head bent towards the sheets.

"Well, how about until you fall asleep? It would help me to know you're sleeping."

I almost smile at his offer.

"Thank you, Jack, but you need to get home. I'll be fine here. It's not like I've never spent the night here before." I tell him.

"Nonsense, what have I got to go home to? An empty house that's what! I'll stay. You'll be asleep before you know it."

I agree and he helps me lie down a little, plumping my pillows on the way.

"Shh…now. Close your eyes. I'm right here."

I realize he's echoing his words from earlier today. I do as he says and suddenly I feel his fingers rubbing my temple. I relax into the fingers and start to drift.

**Jack's POV: **

'_What am I doing?'_ I ask myself.

Sitting on a chair beside Daniel's bed, my fingers seem to have a mind of their own as they rub small circles on the side of his temple, slowly putting him to sleep. I'm enjoying this way too much. I feel him relax under my fingers and eventually his breathing evens out. He's asleep. I sit there for a few minutes more then look around. Seeing no one there, thankfully, I slip out of the infirmary and out of the mountain.

When I walk into my house I understand the truth of my earlier statement to Daniel. What was I coming home to, except an empty house! The lights were all switched off and the only noise I could hear was the distinct humming of the refrigerator. I wanted company; I wanted someone in the house. I wanted Daniel!

With a slump I laid down on my bed, not bothering with food or a change of clothes. My head was spinning. _I_ wanted Daniel. No buts or maybes about it. For months now I'd been feeling something for the four-eyed archaeologist. I'd tried to deny it, but when Daniel had barred his pain to me 3 days ago, god had it only been 3 days?

Well, since then my heart has been breaking for him. And then yesterday, when we found him bleeding in his office I could have sworn my heart had stopped. I thought he was dead. I was so scared. Scared that he had left me, scared that I'd never told him how I felt, scared of being left alone.

I don't want to be alone. I want Daniel. So maybe I've been a little more touchy feely than usual, but he has been needed me. How much of that is the need for comfort though, I don't know. I'm worried that saying something to him now, is too dangerous. It's too soon. But at the same time I want to be there for him so much.

Eventually my brain starts to switch off and I fall asleep. I'm going to need my energy for tomorrow.

***

"Can you help him Dr. McNally?" General Hammond was sitting behind his desk, looking at the man in front of him.

"I believe so, yes. He is somewhat unsure about me, but that is to be expected. For the moment I will have intensive therapy with him, that's every day, and then we'll start to reduce the sessions as he makes progress."

"Is there anything more I can do?" asked the General.

"Really, just be there for him. Let him know he can come to talk to you. Daniel to George, not Dr. Jackson to General Hammond. He just needs his friends at the moment. He needs there support until he can support himself again. From what I've read so far though, he seems like a very strong person. This is just a bump in the road. He'll learn to deal with it eventually."

"I've told him he can go back to desk work. He's grounded though from off-world travel for the next month. Is he all right to be working with translations?"

"Oh yes, of course. I think his work will help him now. It's something he obviously loves to do and it will help him get some of his self-confidence back."

"Thank you Dr. McNally. That'll be all."

"Yes, Sir."

**Daniels POV: **

I'm sitting up in bed eating oatmeal. At least that's what I've been told it is. I'm not so sure though. Janet told me that after I had my breakfast she'd change the bandage again and then I was to meet Dr. McNally for my session. Apparently the times are going to vary during the day so that if I've any reports to give they won't have to be rescheduled. It also means that Dr. McNally can observe how I act at different times of the day. Something about some people getting more depressed in the morning than the night. Personally it's the other way around for me, but eh…I'm not going to correct him now, am I. I feel a slight smirk on my face but look up innocent when I here Janet walking towards my bed.

"All right Daniel, let's get those bandages changed."

Carefully she unwraps the bandage from my arm and dabs some chemical on to clean the wounds again. She re-wraps them without a word but looks at me when she's finished.

"What?" I ask her, I try to keep my voice soft. I think I manage.

"I'm sorry, Daniel, they'll scar." Is that all!

"Don't worry about it." I tell her. I try not to act too happy. If she thought that I might actually want them to scar she'd tell McNally in a flash. He'd then want me to talk about it. What fun.

When she walks away I lean back on my pillows. Today is not a good day. I'd had nightmares all last night. Scenes from my past had tormented me. All joining together to make one super-nightmare.

'_Night terror'_ I think to myself. I had long ago learned to stay quite after nightmares. Often sitting up in bed with a silent scream. None of SG-1 had noticed though. More often than not I shared with Jack when we were off-world. So I would tire myself out by looking at whatever ruins we found. Jack never bothered me, he thought . . . well I don't know what he thought, but he let me do it anyway.

"Daniel, Daniel…here…Daniel…DANIEL!!" I sit up in bed looking around the infirmary quickly, coming face to face with Dr. McNally.

"Daniel, are you o.k.? I've been calling you for the last five minutes."

I just stare at him. I'd been so lost in my own world I hadn't even heard him approach. Unless I'm cutting I'm usually not so inattentive.

I blink. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry." The good doctor finally gets out of my face.

"Get changed, Daniel. Meet me at your office when you're ready." He tells me.

I watch him leave the infirmary, get up and change. When I'm all ready, Janet officially pronounces me free to go. I think I should be dying to escape her clutches yet my feet drag as I slowly bring myself to stand outside my office door. I notice my breathing has quickened. I try to slow it down. My hands are sweating. Why am I so nervous? I wasn't this bad the last time.

'_That's because the last time you were faking it. You've made your promise now to try and do this. That's why you're so nervous, because you plan to do this for real.'_

Shit. I'm about to turn tail and run when the door opens.

"Ah Daniel, there you are. Come on in."

I should probably feel insulted at being invited into my own office but I can't seem to muster up the energy to care. I'm in fight or flight mode and seeing as my 'flight' has just been taken away from me I decide to fight.

"Look, Doc, I don't need your help. You can just go back to wherever you came from and LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!! You have the cheek to invite me into my OWN office and sit in MY chair. I don't know who you think you are but I'm sick of it. I want you out!"

He looks at me for a moment.

"NOW!!" I shout when he doesn't move. For some reason the fact that he hasn't even flinched bothers me.

"ARE YOU DEAF? I SAID GET OUT! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ENGLISH? TU SORIT! DU GEHST HINAUS! USCITE!"

Before I knew it I'd lashed out. I punched him. That's when I came back to my senses.

"Oh my God! Dr. McNally I'm so sorry. Are you o.k.?" I continued to babble apologies as I tried to help the man up.

"I really am sorry. I don't know what came over me. I usually don't lose my temper like that." I'm trying to help him, really I am. I'm aware that he is trying to placate me but, I'm too far gone. I keep apologizing. Adding some Daniel bashing to the mix.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid. Can't do anything right. So sorry. Shouldn't have done that. Should have kept control." I continue on for a while like this. Until my shoulders are grabbed and I'm forced for a second time that day to look straight at Dr. McNally.

"It's okay Daniel, its okay. I'm fine. You didn't hurt me. I'm feeling fine."

My breathing starts to return to normal and I realize that now were both on the floor. I'm curled up pretty tight.

"Come on Daniel, let's sit on the coach. It's more comfortable."

I allow him to help me to my feet and we walk over to the coach and I nearly fall down onto it.

"Want to tell me what that was all about?"

I don't look at him. I shift slightly and admit, "I eh…don't know."

"That's o.k. Daniel. That's what these sessions will be about. Learning about yourself and being able to put a name to what you are feeling."

I nod. I start to rub my arms, they itch. I notice him looking at them and I stop.

"No, don't stop." he tells me.

I'm confused.

"Huh?" I try not to look at him.

"Don't hide what you're feeling. If your arms are bothering you show it. How are they feeling now? At this exact minute?"

I'm surprised at his questions. Though I should be getting used to his unorthodox methods.

"Eh, well…" I take a deep breath. I can do this. "They're itchy." I tell him with a shrug.

He nods.

"Itchy as in they need to be scratched or itchy as in you feel the urge to cut again?" I think about his question, never having considered it like that before.

"…both…" I whisper. He nods, again.

"What do you usually use to cut yourself with?" he asks me. I look up so fast I'm sure I've given myself whiplash.

"Why?" I ask.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to take it from you. I just want to know. Maybe even see it if you'd allow me to."

I don't know why he's asking such a thing but against my better judgment I stand on shaky legs and wobble over to my desk. Opening the drawer with the false bottom I pull out a dagger.

"It's not the one I normally use, I think that was taken off me when I…you know…" I gestured to the corner of the room I'd been found in.

"But, I do use this sometimes." He gestures me over and I walk slowly.

"Sit, please." he says. So I sit opposite him once more.

"Please answer me this honestly." I agree.

"Do you intend to stop cutting or continue it?" I look at him as if he'd gone insane.

"How do I answer that honestly when there's only one answer to give?" I ask him.

"You can answer one way or the other. It won't affect anything about your sessions. And I won't tell anyone. I'm not going to force you to stop, if that's what you think. This is all up to you,"

"I'd like to be able to deal with stuff without needing it, though I don't necessarily want to just stop, if that makes sense?"

"It does, Daniel. Do you still feel the need to cut?"

I did. Holding the dagger hadn't made the feeling go away either. Sadly I nod to him, defeated.

"Right, well I've never believed in quitting anything _'cold turkey'_, as they say. I want you to know that this will be between just you and me. This is your decision. HOWEVER, you may only do it when I or someone you really trust is present. O.k. That is important."

"What are you talking about?" I ask him.

"Daniel, if you still feel the need to cut, you can. Right now. However I have to be here to make sure nothing gets out of hand. Quitting cold turkey is going to be very tough. You're likely to go great in the beginning but then have a huge crash all of a sudden. However, if you wean yourself off it, it takes a little longer but it tends to work better. I hope you understand what I'm saying to you."

I nodded. "If I do, you really won't tell anyone?" I ask him.

"I'll tell you straight up, Janet will know. Not from me but from the medical journals. Most people believe this is the best way to reduce and eventually stop cutting. So most health care professionals will know about it. She won't say anything though she may try to clean it. Understand?"

"Yes." That actually made sense, all of it. It's weird, throughout this whole conversation I've been dying to cut. But now that I've been given the opportunity, my hands are failing.

"Daniel, I understand that this is private thing but I'm afraid I can't allow you to have the blade alone."

I nod my acquiesces. Slowly I lift the blade drawing a red line across my skin. I look up at him to see what he's going to do now. When I realize he's making no move towards me or the blade I relax a little, cutting twice more. I'm about to cut a fourth time when I hear him call me.

"That's enough now, Daniel." Shutting my eyes for a moment I unwillingly hand over my blade to him. I'm not fool enough to think he'll allow me to keep it in here. No he'll probably keep it with himself and bring it to the sessions in case he needed it.

I open my eyes to feel a damp cloth on my arm, washing away any blood which has come forth.

"Now, do you know why I stopped you when I did?"

"Because I'd cut too many times?"

"No, it was because had you cut anymore, even once more you would have reached the state you long for. You would have become completely distant. You know what I mean?"

I did.

"By stopping you just before you reach that point we will begin to wean you off the blade. Eventually your tolerance will get lower and you won't need to cut as many times to reach this state. Do you see where this is going?"

"Yes."

"O.k. then Daniel. Is there anything you want to talk about now?"

"No." I shake my head. "Thanks."

"Okay than. That's it for today. The hour really flew." I turn back to look at the clock in my office. He's right. The hour is up already.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Daniel." He heads towards the door.

"Bye, Dr. McNally." My voice is a whisper. My arm is itchy.

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**A/N: Heay, sorry about the delay in this chapter but I've been swamped. Tomorrow I have my last exam though so that will free up a lot more of my time. I've finally gotten a Beta Reader to. So I'd like to dedicate this chapter to them. Thanks Professor Rich. ****J **

**Don't forget to review. The more who review the more luck I might get passing my exams…well a girl can dream can't she! Bye. **

**Re-edited on April 4th**** 2009. Thanks for all reviews. **


	6. Steak Dinner

**A/N Heay, sorry about the wait. Been real busy. Plus it's my Grad/Debs on Sunday so I've been preparing for that. In the last few days I've been editing all my chapters as I've found a Beta reader so all further chapters posted will be Beta read saving me the need to write 'Beta Read' at the end of each document. I'm sorry if the last chapter offended anyone. I realise that most health care professionals do not take Dr. McNally's view on quitting self-harm but It does work for my **_**fictional **_**story. That's about it. Thanks for the reviews. Hope you like this chapter. **

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, possible slash…not sure yet. Will change rating if it comes up. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. J**

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**Jacks POV:**

I looked over to the passenger side of my truck to see Daniel quietly thinking to himself. It probably wasn't a good idea but I didn't want to interrupt. Daniel needed his space and I didn't want him to think that he couldn't get that here, with me. As we pulled into the driveway of my house I went to the back of the truck to pick up one of the boxes we had brought with us from Daniel's apartment. Since Daniel would be staying with me indefinitely it seemed pointless to leave so much stuff at his place. I opened my door and left the boxes in the hall way. When I didn't hear any steps behind me, I turned around a saw Daniel was still in my truck. He had his head ducked but I thought he was muttering something.

Curiously I walked over to him. I knew I shouldn't, but I stopped a few feet away. Now I could clearly see that he was talking to someone. But there was no phone in sight. Finally when I'd seen enough I walked the last distance to my truck and knocked on the window.

Poor Daniel jumped so high he hit his head of the roof. He swung around rapidly. When his eyes finally came to rest on me I saw his confusion for a moment. But then it was gone. He appeared to be back to normal, whatever that was.

"Sorry, Jack. I, I was a million miles away." He gathered his stuff and walked past me into my house. I was confused but decided to let the incident slide. For now anyway.

"Danny! How's about some food. I'm feeling like stake. What about you?" I rub my hands together excitedly and walk into my kitchen.

"I don't mind, Jack. I'm not all that hungry right now."

"Bull! Of course you are. You just don't know it yet. Just you wait until you've a great big juice steak in front of you. You won't be able to eat it fast enough."

I hear him sigh. "Okay, Jack, if you say so."

"As a matter of fact I do say so." I take two stakes out of the fridge and start to get the dinner ready.

**Daniels POV:**

I'm still not hungry as I sit down at the table when Jack put a plate of stake down in front of me. He flashes me a big smile and begins to eat. Slowly I pick up my fork and steak knife. I notice that everything seems to be in slow motion. I can feel everything intimately. I imagine that I can feel my blood flowing through my veins. I watch the knife in my hand with fascination; not realizing Jack is actually watching me out of the corner of his eye. My arms have been cleaned again by Janet. Dr. McNally made sure I saw her before I left the SGC. Jack didn't know yet though. I knew what he'd said about doing it in front of someone I trusted, but I didn't think Jack would be able to understand it. I started to eat at last, but barely managed to finish half.

"Jack…" I waited for him to look at me.

"…Jack, I'm not really feeling well…I'd like to go to bed if you don't mind." I knew he would be worried but I hoped he'd let me go this once.

"Sick…do you want me to call Dr. Fraiser?"

"NO!…no, it's fine. I think it's just over tiredness. I just need an early night, please, Jack."

"All right, Daniel. Eat a little more and you can go to bed."

I was so tired I didn't even fight the order.

Eventually I'd managed to eat about half the plate in front of me and I left the table. I heard Jack sigh and I was really sorry for that, but I just needed some space at the moment to do what I was going to do.

I walked into the spare bedroom - my bedroom - and got changed for the night. I got into bed but stayed sitting up. After about half an hour I heard Jack sigh and prepare for bed.

'_At last'_, I thought to myself, when I heard his bedroom door shut. Quietly as I could I got out of bed and walked to my desk. Sitting down I reached for my cell phone. It was an old model. Large as a brick nearly. I never saw the point in buying a more up-to-date model when I was off-world most of the time.

Slowly I dialed the number on the card Janet had given me. I was very conscious of the dialing tones. Never realizing before just how loud they really were.

_Ring ring ring ring ring._

Just as I was about to hang up someone pick up on the other side.

"Hello?"

For a moment I didn't say anything. My breathing loud in my ears.

"Hello? Daniel is that you?" I'm about to hang up.

"Please, Daniel if that's you, talk to me. You can trust me…"

To my horror I start to cry, "I'm sorry, so sorry. I shouldn't have called, Dr. McNally. I'll leave you alone now." My snivelling sounds pathetic even to me.

"No, Daniel it's okay. Please don't hang up. I wouldn't have left my number if it was a problem. I wanted you to call me if you need to. Please talk to me."

"What do I do doc? I need to…you know…please…How can I? Jack's in the next room. How can I when he's right there? I shouldn't need to . . . not after today . . . please . . . help. . ." I sob into the phone.

"Shh, Daniel, it's o.k. I'm glad you called me instead of taking matters into your own hands. Now, you say Jack's in the next room?"

"Yes." I sniff.

"Okay, would you consider telling him about this? Like we discussed earlier. Having someone else you trust, helping you through this could help."

"It's not that I don't trust him…"

"But…"

"But…I guess I don't want him to see me like this."

"That's fair enough. But the impression I get is Jack won't mind. He'll be happy to be of some help. He cares about you . . . a lot, and it would probably hurt him more to think you couldn't trust him with this, than to see you the way you are now. Don't you think?"

I nod before I realize the Doc can't see me. "Yeah…I suppose."

"Do you still need to cut?"

I'm ashamed by my answer. "Yeah."

"Then go to Jack, explain the situation and what you need. Or else bring the phone in with you and I'll give him the basics of what's going on. The rest will be left up to you."

"You'd do that…"

"Yes, but you'd have to promise to open up to him a little more and not hide away from him as I think you're doing now."

"I'm not hiding!" I say defensively. There's no reply. "You'll only tell him the basics?"

"Just the basics. What's going on and that both I and Dr. Fraiser know about it. And of course more importantly that we approve."

"O.k." I whisper, "I'll bring you in now."

I stand up and cautiously make my way to Jack's bedroom door. I knock on the door and wait outside. After a minute I hear him shout 'Come in!'.

**JACKS POV:**

When Daniel has eaten a little more food off his plate he stands and goes to bed. I really worried about him but I can't push. I need him to realize he can come to me. I can't be the one to instigate all the serious conversations. With my luck he'll start to associate the two and we'll never have a good conversation again.

I hear his bedroom door close and get up to clean the table. It was a testament to how tired Daniel felt when he had eaten more of his dinner as per my request. Once I'd cleared everything up, I sat on the couch with a beer. I waited half an hour for Daniel to come back downstairs before sighing and throwing away my half drunk bottle of beer.

'_What a waste…'_ I wasn't sure if I meant the situation with Daniel or the beer. Trudging upstairs I washed up and got into to bed. I'd just turned my light off when I heard it.

Crying, soft crying from the next room. I turned my light back on and sat up in bed again. I wanted to go to Daniel but I knew I had to wait. He'd come to me when he was ready. Not long after I heard his muffled voice and concluded he must have called someone with that brick of his.

Ignoring the small stab of jealousy I felt at being passed over I was happy he had chosen to talk to

someone. That's when I heard the knock on my door. I waited for a moment. Still. Then I shouted out,

"Come in!"

I tried to keep my face blank when I saw Daniel come in red eyed, brick in hand. He shuffled around the door for a moment.

"Come on, Daniel, it's warmer in here." He nodded and walked over to the bed. Tensely he sat on it and held the phone out to me. I answered with a querying eyebrow.

"It's Dr. McNally…" he said by way of explanation. Surprised I took the phone off him gently and put the phone up to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Colonel O'Neill, its Dr. McNally."

"Well hello there. What can I do for you, Doc?" I tried to keep things light though I'm sure the tension leaked out of my voice.

"O.k. here's the story…" I listened with rapt attention as the Doc told me what he and Daniel wanted me to do. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.

"So, just as his eyes start to glaze, and I don't mean from tears, take the knife off him. He'll understand why. Not a moment before or after though o.k.?"

"Eh…yeah…I got it…I think."

"Tell me now colonel if you can't do this. This is VERY important to Daniel's recovery. I can be over to your house in an hour if you don't think you can do it."

"No, need Doc. We'll be just fine. I'll make sure Dr. Fraiser checks everything in the morning."

"O.k., Colonel, if there's any problems just give me a ring. Daniel has the number."

"Okay. I'll give you back to Daniel now." I tell him and pass the phone to the man sitting opposite me.

"Yeah…I know…thanks….I promise." I watch him hang up the phone.

"I'm sorry Jack."

"For what?"

"For not being strong enough…"

"Hey, space monkey…" I lift his face up by his chin. "…you are strong. By asking for this help it proves just how strong you really are. Come on, put something warmer on and meet me down stairs. Okay?"

He nods, then gets up off my bed and goes back into his bedroom. Once he's left I get up out of bed and put on a robe. I meet him on the stairs and he's also in a robe. We descended in silence. Together we walk into the kitchen and I stand back as his goes to the cutlery drawer. My own breath hitches as almost robotically he picks out the same knife he used to cut his steak tonight. I guide him into the living room and we both sit down on the couch facing one and other. I say nothing but he looks at my face, I'm not sure what he's looking for.

"Jack…" he shakes his head and looks back towards his arm.

"I'm here, Daniel, anytime. Whatever you need. Okay?!"

My only response is a single tear sliding its way down his cheek. I hold my breath as he cuts his arm once, twice, three times. I'm watching his eyes like a hawk. Four times, THERE! Slowly I reach for the knife and take it from him. He lets me. I should have brought a wet cloth I think.

Reluctant to leave him on his own I get up and head into the kitchen. I can't let him catch any infection. It'll just make things ten times worse. When I re-enter my living room it's to see Daniel rocking back and forth on my couch. Legs scrunched up so tight I'm amazed how he does it. I sit beside him and try and detangle him. Eventually he relaxes somewhat and I'm given access to his arm. I clean it best I can, ignoring the fresh cuts I see that weren't made 5 minutes ago. He looks up at me such despair in his eyes.

"Oh, Danny…" I go to hug him and he practically jumps into my arms. I wrap my arms around him as he breaks down once more. I don't say anything this time. Not yet anyway. Once I feel he's calmed down a bit I hold him at arms length and look into his face.

"You ready to talk?"

"Yeah…"

"O.k." I sit back on the couch and pull him back into to me. I feel him tense up for a minute but then he relaxes again. We sit there for two hours talking things through. It seems to have helped. When he's talked himself silent I led him back up to bed and tuck him in.

"Good night, Daniel. Thank you again for trusting me with this."

"Goodnight, Jack." his eyes fall shut and his breathing evens out.

Quick as I can I'm out the door like a flash and back down stairs in my living room. While we had been talking I had taken great care to ensure Daniel had not seen the knife. Now that I had the chance though, I covered it up in layers of tissue and threw it into the bin outside. No matter how much it was washed, I'd never be able to even look at that knife again, let alone use it!

When I got back into my room I took my robe off and sat on my bed. What was I going to do? I knew that this would be hard but the last few hours had been torture. I couldn't help Daniel. I wasn't able to do this. How could I be expected to watch Daniel mutilate himself time and time again?

No, I couldn't, I wouldn't. I'm going to have this out with Dr. McNally tomorrow. I don't care. It can't be right. Can It? To my shock, I felt my eyes moisten. I hated crying. I never cried. But this whole situation was really taking so much out of me. Draining me physically and emotionally. I need help!

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**A/N: Heay, well that's it for this chapter. I'm sorry it's short but It's all I can manage for the moment. I'm soooo busy it's UNBELIVABLE!! I'll get back on track soon I imagine. Don't forget to review please. Any and all suggestions are welcome. ****J C ya! **

**Re-edited on April 4****th**** 2009**


	7. Making Peace

**A/N: Heay, thanks for the last reviews. They were nice. I'm going to try and cheer things up a bit cause I think if I continue the way I have this story will just take to much energy outta me and you the reader. You know what I mean?! Anyway, don't worry I'm not going to completely change the story just give the characters a little break is all. **

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, possible slash…not sure yet. Will change rating if it comes up. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. **

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**Jacks POV:**

"NOT GOOD ENOUGH DOC!" I shouted. "I can't watch him mutilate himself like that again. I WON'T! It's obscene. I can't do it, I'm not strong enough."

I'm ashamed to hear my voice crack. I'm the big bad Colonel in the United States Air Force. I'm not supposed to show emotions. Earlier today I brought Daniel to the mountain to do some work. I left him at his office and headed straight here. Doctor McNally was sitting quietly behind his desk, waiting for me to finish my tirade. I hated that he could stay so calm.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Colonel. I realize that it's not an easy thing to do, but it was my understanding that you and Dr. Jackson were close and that you'd do anything to aid his recovery." he says.

"That's not fair, Doc. Of course I'd do anything to help him but what your asking is too much. How is anyone expected to do that…"

"Not anyone, Colonel, you. You can do this. The fact that this is bothering you so much proves to me that you are capable of doing this for Daniel. You're exactly what he needs right now and I know I can trust you with him."

I mumble something in reply.

"What was that?"

"I said; what if _I_ don't trust myself with him?"

"What do you mean?"

I sigh. "Doc, just how…private is this conversation?" I try not to fidget. This isn't the way I usually…eh…operate.

"Anything you tell me will be kept confidential." he assured me.

"Right. Okay. Look I don't think I can be what you want for Daniel. I…I'm not in that place. My…feelings for him are…eh…more than that of a…um…a friend. I just don't think that, that's what Daniel needs in his life right now. You know what I'm saying?"

I run my hand through my greying hair. Distinctly uncomfortable with the subject.

"Are you saying you harbour…romantic feelings for Daniel?"

"Yes…No…I don't know…"

"Well it seems to me that what you're doing right now is fine. And romantic feelings or not you're still Daniels friend and he needs you. I can't see you walking away from that. Now I can't tell you what to do, but if I were you, I'd talk to Daniel. Tell him how you feel about all this. He might just appreciate your honesty. You don't have to tell him about your romantic feelings if you don't want to. Just how last night made you feel.

"If you do want to…pursue a relationship with Daniel, that's your decision. But I have faith in you, you can do this Colonel."

"Right. Okay. Eh…thanks." I say and turn to leave the room.

The doc just nods his head and returns to his work. I don't think he will tell anyone about our conversation. And maybe, just maybe he's right about telling Daniel. I don't know if I will just yet, but we do need to talk.

I take the next left and make my way to Daniels office.

'_Knock knock' _

"Come in."

"Hey, Daniel." I say.

He's bent over his desk, obviously translating some ancient language I'll never understand.

"What's up, Jack?"

I shuffle around a bit. I'm starting to re-think my decision to talk to him about this.

"Jack? What is it?" He walks up to me and shuts the door leading me to the couch in the office.

"Daniel, I…" my mouth is dry. But I keep going. "…I spoke to Dr. McNally earlier."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Eh, it was about last night." I feel Daniel stiffen beside me.

"I'm sorry Daniel, its just last night was hard for me. You know me. I'm not one to sit around and watch bad stuff happen. I'm a doer. Watching you last night was really hard for me. That's what I talked to McNally about." I tell him. His face seems unusually blank.

"I see."

"At first I thought I couldn't do it again, but you know what, Daniel? I will. I'll do ANYTHING to help you. Even if that means watching you…do that. I just wanted to be honest with you…" I trail off and hear Daniel heave a big sigh.

"I appreciate that, Jack. I'm sorry for putting you in such a difficult position last night. I wasn't thinking straight. It won't happen again." he says.

"Damn it, Daniel! Did you hear a word I said? I don't like it, but if it's what you need, I'll be there. I'll always be there for you, no matter what you need. Okay?" I asked looking at him.

"Yeah, Jack. Thanks."

"No problem. I just wanted us to be honest with each other. That Dr. McNally is certainly a piece of work." I said jokingly.

"Yeah. Tell me about it." he said laughing.

"I'm surprised you went to see him actually. I though you hated Shrinks?" he says.

"I do. But there's something about that guy…he just…gets under your skin I guess."

"Yeah, I know that."

"Have you had your session with him today yet?"

"No. I'm meeting him in an hour." He pauses and I wait for him to continue. "…I should hate shrinks too I guess, after the whole McKenzie instant, right? But, I don't. Is it wrong that I want these sessions?"

"What? No! What makes you say that?"

"I don't know. I just feel like I should be fighting him every step of the way. Like by going along with all this, it's like I'm, I don't know, looking for attention or something…" he shrugs his shoulders and wraps his arms around himself in his patented self-hug.

"Ah Danny, that's not right. You're right to be _'going along'_ with all this. You want to get better. That's a good thing. Has this been bothering you, Daniel?"

"Yeah, I suppose it has."

"Well, you don't need to worry. It's okay. Hey how's about we go out tonight? We'll invite Carter and Teal'c. Maybe have dinner? We could go back to my place for drinks?" I offer. We could all use a team night.

"Yeah, I'd like that."

"Good. I'll ask the others. I'll see you later?"

"Yeah, Jack. Go on, I'll talk to ya later." he smiles at me. I think I've done good.

**Daniels POV:**

"So, I hear Jack was talking to you earlier…" I'm sitting in front of Dr. McNally in his newly appointed office on the base.

"Yes." he replies, not giving anything away.

"…and?"

"And, we had a very interesting conversation."

"You're not going to tell me anything?"

"Daniel, you know I can't do that."

"Yeah. I know. Can't blame a guy for trying though, eh?"

He smiles at me.

"So what do you want to talk about today?"

I remember I'd mentioned McKenzie to Jack earlier and wondered why McNally had never brought the subject up.

"How come you never mentioned McKenzie after the first session?" I ask him.

"I read the file as you suggested Daniel, but I've been waiting for you to bring it up when you were ready. I didn't want to push you."

"Oh."

"Would you like to discuss it now?"

"Um…I think so…" I'm not sure. The instant still bothers me but I don't know how to go about talking about it.

"Well why don't you start by telling me how you _'contracted'_ the alien virus? Parasite? Whatever you refer to it as."

"A menace!" I mutter. "Okay. We were off world and we entered a sealed chamber. It was very dark. We discovered several bodies. All were deceased. It was…disturbing, to say the least."

I see him nod. He never interrupts me when I'm talking. Unless there's something he really doesn't understand. Like alien weapons or terms.

"When we returned from the gate everything seemed pretty much fine. But then later…things started happening. I heard the…Stargate in my closet. I was…g-grabbed by one of the dead aliens from the planet. It tried to…p-pull me through, but I fought it off. I was so scared." I trail off, looking down at my feet. I try hard to keep my emotions together. I take a deep breath and continue.

"The others didn't understand what was happening. I think they were scared to. I don't really know. At one point b-before they…s-s-sent me away…I was in one of the guest rooms with Jack playing chess. Things were going alright at first but then . . . he asked me to get some cards from the cabinet. I turned around in my chair to look at it. It seemed so far away. Shakily I got up and walked over to the cupboard. I could hear the gate activating. I steeled myself and quickly opened the doors. There was nothing there.

"Maybe I really was going mad? I got the deck of cards and went back around to Jack. Sitting down I saw a Goa'uld larva kind 'a _'sitting'_ there. No other way to explain it, on Jack's shoulder. I tried to ignore it. Jack knew something was up. But I just tried to play the game. That's when I saw it go into to him. I couldn't let Jack get infected with one of those things! I dived across the table to try and get it out but…I…c-c-couldn't. I couldn't save Jack! I felt tears run down my face. I tried to stop it."

"Okay, Daniel, I think that's…enough for now."

"NO! I mean, eh, no. I want to keep going. I need to do this. Please."

"Okay." Drying my eyes I collect myself, as much as I can anyway and continue my tale.

"Janet betrayed me. She sided with McKenzie. She signed for me to be taken away to that…that place." I spit out the word like a profanity.

"They took my glasses! Afraid I'd hurt myself with them. Funny you know. The entire time I was there they never once looked at my arms! Any injections they gave me were in the neck! I hated it there. I really started to believe I'd gone crazy. I'd turned into Nick! I hated that, and myself.

"That's when I saw that…thing go into Teal'c. My head started to clear again and I managed to convince McKenzie to let me see Jack. When I was released, I realized it was a hollow victory. Everyone was okay again…but I couldn't look at ANY of them the same way. They were my family and they betrayed me. I wanted to die."

I really couldn't go on after that. I curled up in the chair, lifting my legs so that they were pressed into my chest. I cried.

"Daniel, Daniel, look at me."

Slowly I lifted my head, tears streaming down my face.

"Have you talked about this to anyone? Colonel O'Neill? Major Carter?"

I shake my head in the negative.

"And yet you all seem to have a very close relationship?"

"I just tried to move on. To forget what happened."

"So you never fought with them? Told them how you felt about this?"

"No! I told you!"

"Alright. Okay. Daniel listen to me. This is completely up to you. It's your decision to make, just hear me out." I nod.

"I think we should have a group session. Bring in Colonel O'Neill, Major Cater, Teal'c, General Hammond and Dr. Fraiser. It would give you a chance to…tell them how you feel. It could help you…move on from what happened. Will you do it?" Should I? Could I? I knew it would be difficult and awkward, but…would it really help? "I don't know doc…" Damn Jack was rubbing off on me.

"That's fine Daniel. Just…think about it?"

"Okay."

"Alright. Is there anything else?"

"No. That's it I think."

"Okay. You can go. I'll see you tomorrow."

"See ya Dr. McNally." I leave the office feeling a little numb.

**Jacks POV:**

"Cater!" I half leaned into the scientist's lab.

"Come in, Sir."

"What do ya think about a team night tonight? Dinner and back to my place after?"

"Sure, sounds great. Have you asked…"

"Daniel, but not Teal'c. I haven't found him yet." She smirked. "Last I heard, Sir he was…sparing…with the new recruits." The smirk got bigger.

I gained one of my own. "Right-eo, I'll see to that. We'll meet topside at 19:00. Okay?"

"Sure. See you then, Sir."

I'm just out of the office when she calls me back. "Yeah?"

"Don't have too much fun!"

I smirk again. "Can't promise that."

I whistle as I walk to the gym. I'm delighted by what I see. Teal'c is making mince meet of the new recruits. That is until he see's me. _'Oops!'_

"Colonel O'Neill, perhaps you would like to show the others how to spar with a Jaffa!" He raises his eyebrows and God help me I can't ignore a challenge. I'm screwed.

"Sure, Teal'c, no problem."

BIG problem. I'm about to be humiliated in front of a bunch of Marines.

I'm given a wooden staff by a tallish man who's panting like mad. Teal'c's last victim. Nodding to each other we start.

This staff fighting is not as easy as it looks. I think I've lasted a little longer than the others judging by the looks on there faces. I hope I have anyway. But I have to concentrate or else this'll be over all too soon. I start to take an offensive move but I'm blocked. I swing my staff around and kick out with a leg. I actually managed to hit Teal'c. But it doesn't seem to effect him. I can tell by the look in his eyes though, it'll be the last time I hit him. With a move I never saw coming he had me on my back and I'm panting, completely winded.

I hear clapping in the background and a hand enters my line of sight. I grab the hand and Teal'c drags me up.

"You did well, O'Neill."

"Eh, thanks big guy. You're not so bad yourself." I'm still winded. I turn back around to face the marines and they seem stunned.

"What?" I ask.

"Sir. None of us lasted five minuets with Teal'c. You…eh…"

"Well spit it out…"

"You spared with him for a good half an hour." Surprise lights up my face and I look towards the clock in the gym. "I did?"

"Indeed, O'Neill. You are improving greatly."

"Thanks, T."

The _'session'_ with the marines finished up about 10 minuets later and I walked with Teal'c to the locker room.

"So, Teal'c. How's about a bit of a team night tonight? We can go for dinner, then back to my place? Carter and Daniel are coming." I ask.

"I would like that very much O'Neill. Thank-you. What time shall I meet you?"

"Eh we're all meeting top side at 19:00. You can stay a my place too, for the night, if ya want."

"Very well, O'Neill. I shall meet you at 19:00 and stay at your residence for the night."

"Great! I'll see you then." I say as I rub my hands together in excitement.

I leave Teal'c and go to my office. I have paperwork to do. What fun!

At 1850, I head to the locker rooms and change into my civilian clothes. Daniel is already there.

"Hello stranger." I great him.

"Hey, Jack." He answers a little slowly but I'm not too worried. He knows he can talk to me when he needs to and we're going out now so hopefully that'll cheer him up.

'OFF WORLD ACTIVATION. OFF WORLD ACTIVATION!' The klaxons sound and we both look up. 'Shit!'

Daniel and I look at each other and run to the Gate Room. Carter and Teal'c enter together.

Unsurprisingly, General Hammond is already there.

"Have you got an IDC?"

"Yes. It's from the Metsoins." says Siler.

"Open the Iris" commands Hammond.

Metsoins…Metsoins…I realize it's the people of P3X 509. Not good. With horror I watch the prince enter the base with his body guards. Daniel paled.

"General Hammond, greetings. We're sorry to have come early but there is something of importance we must discuss."

"That's fine. We'll meet you in the briefing room in ten. I'm sorry but you have to go though our medical scans first. Safety, you understand."

"Of course. I shall meet you in…ten…?"

This can't be good. "Doctor Jackson, I won't force you but you do realize you have apologies to make?" the General tells him quietly.

I watch Daniel nod. I'm worried now. As we all leave for the briefing room I whisper in his ear. "Do you want me to get McNally?"

"No. I can do this…I hope."

We enter the briefing room and sit down.

"What can we do for you?" asks General Hammond.

"Well General, as you know we've agreed to a treaty with each other. Unfortunately there has been great un-ease within our people. My father has…taken ill…and well my great uncle intends to take the throne knowing I cannot clam my place 'till I take a companion. My great uncle is not a nice man. He has tried to claim the throne before, but my father, well that's pretty obvious."

"Sorry, I don't mean to be blunt and I'm sorry about your father but, what do you want us to do?" I asked.

"Well you see if my uncle does claim the throne our treaty will be null and void. He does not…approve of…outsiders. I fear that he will make an attempt on my fathers life before I can chose a companion. I ask your assistance to protect my father. He will not live much longer. I just need to know he is safe while I look for a companion, at the moment I cannot fully trust my men. Just those you see now and they will be with me during my search."

'_This is madness!'_ I think to myself. We're supposed to act as body guards while this guy finds a wife!

"Just how long are we talking about?" I don't mean it to sound as callous as it does.

"A few days, maybe a week. My father has been sick a long time. Please, for the sake of the treaty." he pleads with us.

"Very well. Colonel O'Neill, Major Carter and Teal'c will return with…"

"What of Dr. Jackson?" I see him look toward Daniel out of the corner of his eye. Daniel does his best not to make eye-contact. Something that is very unusual for him.

"I'm afraid that Dr. Jackson cannot accompany you at this time as he has been restricted to desk duty."

"I see. And what if I were to…insist that Dr. Jackson accompany us. For the sake of the treaty. Would your eh…government agree to that?"

Much as I hated exceptions being made for people I could have kissed Prince Lamenkesh. I hadn't liked the thought of leaving Danny here alone for the week.

"I think we could arrange something." says General Hammond. I knew I liked him for a reason.

**Daniels POV:**

I was stunned by what was going on around me. This couldn't be happening. Right? Before I knew it, the meeting was over and I was left in the room with Prince Lamenkesh.

"How are you, Dr. Jackson?"

I stayed sitting down, my eyes averted. "Prince Lamenkesh, I would just like to apologize for my actions earlier on in the week. It was inexcusable. You were trying to help me and I through that back in your face. I am very sorry."

"Dr. Jackson, there is nothing to apologize for. I understand that you were under stress at the time. No offence has been taken. How are you now? Have you spoken to someone like I suggested before?"

"…yes…" I whisper.

"Good. I am sorry you have experience so much pain, Dr. Jackson. And I am sorry that you've gone through it so long on your own."

"How…" I gulp. "How did you know? Before, on the planet, how did you know about me?" I needed to know this.

"I could see it in your eyes. I've seen it before, in my brother's eyes."

"How did he deal with it?" I ask.

"He didn't."

I look up then. He clarifies for me.

"He died. Lost too much blood."

I pale. "Oh…" What else can I say? He just stares at me. It's un-nerving. "…I-I'm very sorry for your loss…"

"It's okay, Dr. Jackson. It was a long time ago. I've made my peace. I hope your government allows you to join us." He nods and leaves the room. I can't move.

"Daniel, come on. Gear up. Hammond's gotten permission from the president."

Robotically I stand and follow Jack out of the room to get ready. He squeezes my shoulder. I understand.

We walked into the Gate room. So much for our team night I think to myself. Prince Lamenkesh was standing there with his body guards and the rest of SG-1 was also there. However the person who surprised me was Dr. McNally. I freeze.

"Sorry, Daniel, condition to going with us." whispers Jack in my ear.

I suck in a breath and nod, pushing my irritation down as far as I can.

"SG-1 you have a go. Good Luck." Says General Hammond over the intercom.

The gate engages. We start walking up and I notice Dr. McNally hesitate. Despite my irritation I go over to him.

"You're sure this is o.k.?" I know he doesn't mean his accompanying me to the Metsoins' home world.

"You'll be fine." I tell him and give him a…gentle…push though. I doesn't make me feel better.

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**A/N: Heay. I was trying for a lighter chapter here but, well, I couldn't help tormenting Daniel a little bit more. Bad author, VERY, VERY bad author. Oh well. Don't worry he won't suffer too much…I hope…please review. **

**Re-edited on April 4****th**** 2009. **


	8. Sky High

**A/N: Heay, well thanks for the reviews. I'm trying to make Daniels world expand a bit from Jack so I hope that's what you're getting. I was also thinking that some of the reviews are right. Slash is quite over-rated so I was thinking I'll make this pre-slash. I'm also working on another story atm that's friendship flick with Jack and Daniel though I won't post it till I've more done. I'm not making the same mistake I made with this story. Ha ha. Don't forget to review! **

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, Pre- Slash. Rating may change. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. **

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**Dr. McNally's POV:**

I feel myself pushed through the Stargate. It's surreal at best. I don't think I could do that often. When General Hammond told me I would have to come if Daniel was to go on this, I was unsure at first. But then I realized what would happen if Daniel was left to his own devises just yet and I'd made my decision. I could see the anger behind his eyes just before we left and yet he still showed concern for me. Though I'll talk to him about that little push he gave me. Don't think I didn't notice.

I look around me and take everything in. The place is very…green…for some reason I was expecting sand and desert. Oh well. At least it won't be too warm. I doubt anyone else would be allowed to go on this mission with their therapist but then Daniel isn't anyone else. He's the Stargate Program's Child. The one who made it all happen. They'd do anything for him, though they'd never admit to it. We are led to the trees. From what I can see they seem to live in the forest but what I see surpasses anything I could have EVER imagined. In the tees, above us all are 'huts' and amidst all these huts a great palace. The trees do not support these monuments but rather fans them. They are weightless it seems.

"How do we get up there?" I ask dumfounded.

"With these." Prince Lamenkesh says.

He walks over to several grey sheets of metal. They couldn't be more than 2 inches thick but he and the others jump onto them and are floated up to the palace. I gulp. SG-1 waits for me and we go up together. My feet are unsteady. I don't like heights. Finally we are on solid ground, or at least a platform. I can't get my head around this at all.

"Come on. We'd better catch up with the others." Colonel O'Neill tells me.

We rush and catch up with the prince as he enters his father's bedchambers. We wait outside. I'm not cut out for this work at all.

**Jack's POV:**

We walk into the palace. I do my best not to stick to Daniel like glue. I need to pay attention to our mission, even if I think it's a dud. But I'm a soldier and I'll do what's necessary. We eventually stop outside a room. The king's room I believe. We wait there until Prince Lamenkesh returns and takes us to the rooms we may stay in. He's generous enough to suggest we may take shifts, though two of us must be outside the room at any one time and of course we are forbidden to enter unless there is a disturbance or we are called for. I decide to take first watch with Teal'c. Daniel and Dr. McNally stay behind and Sam is shown into a separate room to ours which has a connecting door, so she may have privacy. Waiting outside the room is not too much hassle. Pretty boring really. So I decide to entertain myself.

"Red!" I say out loud. Teal'c raises an eyebrow at me. I raise one right back.

"What is it that you are doing O'Neill?" he asks.

"Playing a game."

"And what game entails you shouting out a random word in the middle of a corridor?"

I smirk. "I did not shout, and it is a two player game. Sometimes more. Someone says a random word and the other person has to respond to that word with the first word that enters their minds and so on…it's fun!" I tell him. I can see he is dubious at best

.

"Just try it!" I say.

"Very well. Blood."

"Morbid."

"Dark"

"Light"

"Saber"

"You've been watching too much Star Wars T." One more eye raised eyebrow. "Eh…Toy." I continue.

"Car."

"Chase."

"Cops"

"Robbers"

"Bank"……………………..

**Daniels POV:**

I sit back on the bed in the room, my back against the headrest. I'm tired and I want to go home.

"Je suis tres, tres fatigue." I mutter. _I am very, very tired._

"Et moi." _And me. _Dr. McNally responds

I start. "Je ne sais pas cet vous parle en Francais." _I didn't know you speak French._

"Oui, un peu." _Yes, a little._

I nod and settle back on the bed without a word. I'm bored.

I open my eyes, everything's fuzzy. My glasses have been removed and the comforter pulled up to my shoulders. As I sit up the comforter falls to my waste and I find my glasses on the table beside me. I put them on and look around. I jump a little when I see Jack watching me.

"Eh?"

"Good morning sleepy head." he says.

"Morning? How?"

"You slept through the night. We let you…"

'_Knock knock'_

Jack stood up and went to the door. He opened it and Sam walked through with a tray.

"Everyone else has already eaten. The prince is with Teal'c so I could bring this up to Daniel."

"Morning Sam, thanks for the tray." I'm embarrassed but I try to draw the attention to me. I don't like being talked about, especially while I'm in the same room.

"Oh hi, Daniel. Didn't see you there." She said as she put the tray on a table in the middle of the room.

Well, it was more like a suite but you get the idea. I started to get up and notice my legs feel a little, shaky. Must be over sleep. I think to myself.

I sit at the table and Jack tells Sam how we'll be out in a few minutes to swap shifts with her and Teal'c. I realize I've a time to make up considering I'd missed my shifts yesterday. At the moment we're doing 4 hour shifts a piece so if we got here around 1930 yesterday and Jack and Teal'c took the first shift that means, since its 1100 now, I've missed two of my shifts. Damn. Sam leaves and Jack sits down with me.

"You sure you're alright? That was a pretty deep sleep!" he says.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Guess it was just, gate lag or something." I tell him. It's my way of saying I feel fine but I've no idea how that happened.

"Jack, I'm sorry I missed my shifts yesterday and today. Who did double shifts?"

"Teal'c." he says.

I knew that I felt guilty but not as much as if it had been Jack or Sam. Simply because Teal'c was stronger. Even without _'junior'_. I finish eating and get cleaned up.

Jack was finishing a cup of coffee when I'm finally ready to go. He looks up and looks me up and down. I fight a blush.

"Right, let's go…"

We walk out and I notice another door to the right of ours.

"Teal'c and I are staying there."

I nod. I wish I didn't have to be stuck with Dr. McNally but I suppose since I had slept there last night I couldn't complain now.

"Where did Dr. McNally sleep last night?"

"There's another bedroom in a room behind you."

"Oh."

"Daniel Jackson. It is good to see you are well," Teal'c comments and I blush.

"Eh…thanks, Teal'c. Though I wasn't sick." He just nods.

Sam and Jack are smirking at each other. We trade places with Sam and Teal'c and they go off for a much needed sleep. Which is of course my fault.

"Stop!"

"Stop what Jack?"

"Feeling guilty. You obviously needed sleep, you'd do the same for us."

I know he's right, but still. I say nothing. We are standing there for a good half an hour when Jack interrupts the silence.

"Red…"

**Dr. McNally's POV:**

I heard Daniel and Colonel O'Neill leave the suite and I got up. Since I obviously wasn't military or a civilian consultant I couldn't stand watch with the others. However it meant I had A LOT of free time on my hands this week. I wasn't allowed to really go anywhere unless I was with someone from SG-1, but I couldn't ask Major Carter or Teal'c when I knew how much they needed there sleep. Maybe tomorrow…or even when I was with Daniel? I'd have to ask Colonel O'Neill for permission first though. God I can't wait to go home.

Eventually I get up and go into the front room. There's a knock at the door and a man walks in with a tray. I don't recognize him but from his dress I guess that he's a native here. Some sort of butler at the palace. He nods as he lays the tray on the table taking away the one Daniel must have left. I tucked in hungrily hoping that I was actually aloud to eat this. It tasted fine though.

When I finished up I started to look through my notes of Daniels sessions. I had to do something and this seemed as good an option as any.

***

"Colonel O'Neill, a word please." I said to him when he walked in. Daniel had left for the bathroom.

"Yeah?"

"Are Daniel and I aloud to go outside today? For his session." I clarify.

He stops for the moment and thinks about my request.

"Doc, eh…I don't know if that's such a good idea. I mean any other time….I mean Daniel's sensible and all and you'd be safe with him but…if he were to get upset…it's just not a good idea. Sorry."

I sigh, "Okay."

"You two talking now?"

"I think so, yes. Is that okay or is there something…"

"No, no doc. It's fine."

"Okay."

"I'll leave you to it then. I'll be in the room next door." He leaves and I wait for Daniel to come back into the room.

**Daniels POV:**

I walked back into the room and saw Dr. McNally sitting at the table. Jack was nowhere in sight. I sigh.

"Doc, do we _REALLY_ have to do this now? Here? Off-world. I understand that you're here to keep an eye on me but is this really necessary." I know I'm whining but I'm _REALLY_ just _NOT_ in the mood for this.

He sits back in his chair and studies me for a second.

"As per my orders, we are supposed to have sessions everyday 'till I see fit."

I bow my head.

"However, as we are on another world my orders are not in effect here."

I raise my head slightly to see where this is going.

"So…if you really feel that it is in your best interest to miss this session, then I'll let you decide."

I look at him thinking _'where's the catch?'_ I don't want to talk right now but I can't help but feel like I'm being manipulated. You know reverse psychology….or something.

"Fine. Whatever." I sit on the bed keeping a large amount of space between us.

"Wanna tell me why you don't want this session?"

"I'm sitting here am I not?"

"Yes."

I sigh. "Look, I'm sitting here because you want to do some sort of reverse psychology to make me do this. But I'm not buying into it, so before I feel guilty and agree to do this session I'm going to just do it now before your psycho babble takes effect." I tell him.

"Wow. You seem to have me all figured out, don't you."

"Yes, I…" I stop and look at him. He's smiles. "What do you want from me?"

"Honesty." He says.

God, I'm beginning to hate that word. Or at the very least associate it with him!

"I don't _want_ to _need_ these sessions. I…I just want things to go back to the way they were. No one else would be allowed to go on a mission when they'd been banned for falsifying records. I don't know why an exception was made for me, treaty or no treaty. I'm embarrassed you're here. It…reminds the others…"

"Ah, I see. You're worried about the others…"

"Not worried per say…I just…I don't know. I just want this whole thing over. You being here…me needing these sessions…it's just…It just reminds them of what happened more and more. I don't want them to think I'm weak…" I lean forward on my knees, my head in my hands.

"They don't think you're weak Daniel."

"Yes, they do. Otherwise they never would have let me miss my shifts yesterday. They've NEVER done that before. They shouldn't have to start now!"

"I understand what you're saying, but did you ever think that they just wanted to let you sleep? Instead of being dead on your feet. You were quite out of it before we left. Now I assume it was due to our session, but they didn't know that…"

"Maybe…I don't know."

"How do you feel being back here?"

"It's weird, I suppose. Prince Lamenkesh and I seem to have made our peace but…I know that this whole thing is good for me…these sessions, but I…resent him. I mean, in a way, it's his fault that this all came out. No, that's wrong. It's my fault, but a part of me still blames him…I'm a horrible person. His brother killed himself and I just throw all his help back in his face."

"Daniel, you're not horrible. You panicked. I'd have done the same thing probably."

"But it wasn't you! Was it! You haven't been in the same position, have you! …Have you?" I ask in the end.

"I'm afraid that this is about you, Daniel. Nothing I may or may not have done is important in this discussion."

I'm not impressed with his answer. "Whatever."

"Daniel, how long have you been hiding this?" he asks me.

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"Quite a lot actually."

"I eh…s-started when I was…eh…about 15."

"Quite young."

"Yeah…"

"Well, it seems to me that if I was to keep a secret for that long and someone suddenly found out about it, I'd lash out too. Fear will make you do a lot of things you'd never usually do."

I nod at him. Accepting what he says, for now at least.

"What made you do it?"

"What?"

"Start to cut."

"Oh…well eh…I was staying with one of my foster families and I just…did it."

"I see."

"Will you STOP with the _'I see'_, please."

"Sorry. Look if you don't want to go into it all right now that's fine. But tell me."

"I was on my own a lot. Getting ready for college. I didn't really fit in with anybody. My foster family weren't very…nice…they tended to leave me alone a lot too. But I liked it. I'd gotten used to the quiet, to being on my own. It's really only since I joined SG-1 that I've gotten used to being around other people."

"How did you interact with your foster family?"

"I just told you. We didn't."

"And what about when they were at the house, with you?"

"Nothing much really. I made my own food. Did my own laundry. There was never really any reason for us to inter-act."

"And you didn't mind that?"

"Of course I did. But I'd had worse. I was happy for the peace."

"You've had worse?"

"Not going there doc!"

"Okay. I'll leave it for now."

"NO! That's it for good. I'm NOT going to bring it back up…and…neither will you." I'm serious about this. I won't open that can of worms. I've put it behind me and I won't drag it back to the surface.

**Dr. McNally's POV:**

I can't believe how much Daniel's disposition changed when he refused to talk about his life in foster care. I won't push, but I've a feeling that my decision, Daniel's decision, is going to bite both of us in the ass.

"Okay. I'll leave it."

"Are we done now?"

I check my watch. We still have 20 minutes but the way I see it, he didn't want to talk at all in the first place so…

"Yeah, we're done."

He nods, gets up and leaves with a slam of the door. Oh boy.

**Jack's POV:**

I look up when I hear my door slam. I'm surprised when Daniel walks in thinking his session shouldn't be over just yet.

"Good session?" I ask.

"Fuck off, Jack!"

Okay, I think the temperature just dropped 10 degrees in here.

"Okay, so it didn't go well?"

"I hate it, Jack. HATE IT!"

"But you said…"

"I don't care what I said. I HATE IT RIGHT NOW!!"

"Daniel, sit down. Calm down. Whatever it is, we can work it out."

"NO, WE CAN'T JACK! I can't keep doing this. I can't!"

He starts crying and curls on the ground, head lying on his knees. I go over to him.

"What's happened?"

"It's Dr. McNally. He asked me about…"

"Yeah?"

"About something I don't want to talk about. He said he'll leave it alone, but I don't think he will. I know he won't. I don't want to face that…" He cries harder.

I wonder what was so terrible in Daniel's past that he was reduced to this.

"I'm sure he won't, Daniel." He shakes his head in the negative.

"Come here." I open my arms and hug him. He shakes me with his sobs. When he calms down, I hold him away from me and look into his eyes.

"It'll be okay. If you really don't want to talk about it, he won't make you. He can't make you. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Good. Now why don't we play cards or something? There must be a deck around here somewhere."

There wasn't, but we went for a walk around the palace. It seemed to help somewhat. I think. When we got back to the rooms it was time for our shift and we stayed there for our four hours.

Four LONG hours.

**Sam's POV:**

When I was relieved of my shift, I was grateful. Though I was somewhat concerned about the fading redness around Daniels eyes. It clearly indicated he'd been crying. Whether it was due to his session or something else, I don't know. But it had me worried none the less. Teal'c and I returned to our rooms, he was no doubt, going to take the chance to Kel'no'reem. I wished I could find peace like that.

Watching the hall outside the kings room was so boring that it sapped all my energy. I didn't know how much more of it I could take. As a first contact team I was used to action, I wasn't used to quite missions. I should probably be thankful for an uneventful mission, but when I had been planning a night out with the others, this mission was the last thing I wanted right now.

I decide to sleep. I'd need it if I was to watch the night time shift. But I can't get my body to relax enough. My mind is turning in circles. I get up again and walk around the room. I notice there is a shelf with books and pick one up. They all seem to be trashy love novels but I start to read one anyway. Maybe it'll put me too sleep. The fact that I had several such books at home is just pure coincidence of course.

"CARTER!" Jack has run into my room.

"The king has just died. You're needed out here!"

I get out of my seat in a flash. What the hell was going to happen now?! We run back to the room where Teal'c and Daniel are facing 6 guards all with weapons aimed at them. An oldish man stood behind them.

"The king has regrettable passed away. As the prince has not yet returned with a companion I am the new ruler of this world. You are to leave this palace and never return to this world. You're not welcome. However, I am a generous man, you will have your chance to leave peacefully. Failure to do so will result in my men firing on you." He stares at us with steel eyes.

"Now wait a minute." Jack says. "There's no need for that. But, has Prince Lamenkesh been informed of this? For all you know he could be on his way right now with a new companion to." he explains.

"It is too late for that now. The king has died and I am the only one present that can claim the thrown at this time. So it is written, so it shall be. Leave now in peace or we shall force you out."

"Proof!" says Daniel. "We want proof. How do we know the King is truly dead?"

Good point.

"Do you doubt me?"

"No, but we were given a job to do, we'll see it through to the end." Jack states.

"Very well. One may enter, then you must leave."

Jack nods to me and I enter the room.

The king's suit is huge. The bed big enough to fit 10. I walk over and see a woman crying. His wife I assume. Apologetically I walk up to him and feel his neck. There's no pulse. He really is dead.

I leave the room and indicate that the new…king…is in fact telling the truth. He nods back and tells the man we're going.

Making our way back to the rooms everyone is subdued. We go into Daniel's room and tell Dr. McNally what's happened. He is surprised but collects his stuff and we make our way outside to the _'levatators'_ and leave.

"What happened, sir?" I ask Jack when our feet are planted firmly on the ground.

"Daniel and I were watching outside when the wife, I assume, comes out to tells us he's croaked it! I hadn't even realized she'd been in there."

"Think there's anything…fishy…about it?"

"I don't know, Cater. Seemed pretty natural to me. Just bad timing I suppose. Lamenkesh did say he didn't have long left. He'd just over-estimated how much."

"What do we do now then sir?"

"We leave." I'm surprised. "What?"

"You heard me. We leave. If things change and Lamenkesh somehow manages to get his title back he'll contact us. But as it is now, there's nothing more we can do."

We all head back to the stargate. I'm not looking forward to the debriefing.

Daniel dials home and Dr. McNally is looking nervous again. I sigh and we step through to the embankment room once more, having failed our mission. It wasn't a good feeling.

"Welcome back SG-1." says General Hammond. "Shower, see Dr. Fraiser and we'll have debriefing in 1 hour."

Yep, not looking forward to this at all.

**Daniels POV:**

After the debriefing we left and Jack drove us home.

"We'll have the team night soon, Daniel. Don't worry."

I don't think he means to worry about the night out.

"I know, Jack. It'll be good." I'm just fit for bed now so when we walk into the house I call out _'night'_ to Jack and go straight to my room. It's been a long day and I'm egger to end it. I try to ignore the itch in my arms.

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**A/N: Heay, sorry about the end of the chapter, switching POV so many time but I just didn't know what to be doing with myself really for this chapter. This won't be the last we hear from the metsoins but they will be quite for a while. Did I take the right approach about Daniels past? I'm not sure, but heck I'll go with it. This story seems to be writing itself anyway. I'm not involved at all, except to type. Oh and sorry if the French isn't entirely right. I did my best. Anyway, that's all for now. Hope you liked it. Don't forget to review. **

**Re-edited on April 4th**** 2009. Thanks for all reviews. **


	9. Group Sessions

**A/N: Heay, thanks for the reviews. I was very happy with them. Don't know how much I'll be able to update aver the next two weeks cause I'm going to America on the 15****th**** for a week and I've A LOAD to do to get ready so hopefully I'll get another chapter after this up. I hope. **

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, Pre- Slash. Rating may change. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. **

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**General Hammond's POV:**

I'm sitting in my office remembering the debriefing yesterday with SG-1. It didn't go as well as I had planned.

"So what happened in the Metsoins home world?" I asked.

No one at the table looked eager to start, but Jack ploughed ahead as always.

"We were brought to a palace and told to stand guard outside the King's room. We were not allowed to enter. After about 24hous his wife comes out of the room and informs us the king has croaked it. Next thing we know his uncle shows up saying he's the King now and to leave or they'll open fire on us. We retreated."

"And what of Prince Lamenkesh?" I ask.

"We didn't see him, Sir. We think he may still have been searching for a companion." Major Cater answered.

"So the mission…" I started.

"…was a complete failure!" Jack finished for me.

"And the treaty?"

"Sir, I can't see the new King agreeing to speak with us. He was quite, adamant in our departure." Major Carter said.

"Very well. SG-1 one you have a day's down time. Don't waste it." I tell them.

As Dr. Jackson is leaving I pull him to the side and explain that he'll have to make his own arrangements with Dr. McNally for the next day. He shifts around uncomfortably but tells me nothing. I accept it, for now.

I hope Dr. Jackson did as I requested and arranged a time to meet with Dr. McNally today.

**Daniels POV:**

When I woke up I left the room and showered. When I was ready I went down stairs and smelled breakfast.

"How long have you been up, Jack?" I ask.

"Oh, not long, about an hour."

I'm surprised.

"Breakfast smells amazing…" and it does too. Pancakes with syrup, blueberries, and of course the option of sugar and lemon. I sit down at the table and Jack gives me a plate. I pour syrup over them and dig in. When Jack sits with me he adds blueberries and we happily munch our breakfasts together.

"Thanks, Jack. These are delicious."

"I try…" We eat in silence for a few more minutes before I break it. I can see Jack is looking at me out of the corner off his eye. I want him to relax around me, I can tell that he's walking on eggshells at the moment and I don't like it one bit.

"Say Jack, why don't we go out?" He looks up from his plate and stares at me for a minute.

"Out? Where?"

"Oh, I don't know. There must be something we can do. A game maybe?"

"You…you want to go to a game?"

"Eh…yeah. I suppose so."

"Okay, who are you and what have you done with Daniel Jackson?"

"Jaaack…" I whine.

"Well…okay. There's a hockey game on tonight at 2000. I'll book tickets. We can go out for dinner before to if you want?"

"Yeah, I'd like that."

"Okay then. Sweet."

I'm smiling for the rest of the morning. It's true I don't like hockey all that much, but I don't know why I'm fidgety. I need to do…something…anything to distract me from the itch.

I'm sitting in the living room trying to read a book. I say trying because as much as I want to read it my mind won't let me. I keep thinking about Dr. McNally and how I'm avoiding him. I know I shouldn't, but I'm just too angry to go back to him just yet. I'm too much of a coward to face him right now anyway.

"Daniel, I'm not…eh I don't mean any harm but…"

"Jack, spit it out…"

"Don't you have a session with McNally today?"

My hands grip my book tight, knuckles turning white under the pressure. I take a deep breath and tell him what I'd been preparing all day.

"No, Jack. He and I have an agreement. I don't have to have a session if I really don't think I need it. Right now I just want to have a relaxing day and a good night out. The session won't allow me that…"

"Okay, fair enough. I was just curious."

"Curiosity killed the cat…"

"Ah but Daniel, satisfaction brought him back…"

I stick my tongue out at him. Not the most mature response, but I think it got my point across.

I feel guilty about lying to Jack but I'll see McNally tomorrow. It'll be okay. I hope.

By 18:00 I'm out the door and Jack is driving us both to an Indian restaurant before the hockey game. I'm looking forward to it surprisingly. I think I need this. I was completely right in not going to my session today. Absolutely!

Once in the restaurant I relax. I've always loved going out for a meal. Just something about it appeals to me. We order our food and just revel in each other's presence.

"So what brought this on?" Jack asks me.

"What? Going out tonight?"

"Yeah. Normally I have to pry you away from your work…"

Yes, well normally I'm not trying to avoid thinking about hiding from my therapist.

"Oh well, you know. I just wanted to get out of the house for a while."

It also helps in case Dr. McNally decides to make a surprise visit tonight. I'd been terrified all day that he'd drop in. Now if he does neither of us will be there. Good, no? Besides it had been a while since Jack and I have had just a good night out together. It was nice to get out and not have to worry about saving the world or if I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. No, I needed this and I was going to enjoy it as much as humanly possible.

"Daniel…Earth to Daniel…"

"Huh?"

"You spaced out." he said by way of explanation.

"Oh. Sorry." I blush. "I was just thinking how much I needed this night out."

I laugh a little. He stares at me for a second longer before accepting my answer. I think. Before he can say anything though, the food is brought out. We tuck in. The food is delicious.

I pay for the meal as Jack has paid for the hockey tickets on his credit card. At the match we only buy soft drinks, full from our meal. Unfortunately, Jacks team loses, but its okay. We had a good night out. For the first time in a LONG time I haven't had to fake my smile. Maybe I really don't need these sessions at all…

**Dr. McNally's POV:**

I'm not impressed. Yesterday Daniel was supposed to check in with me for his session. He never rang and I heard no word from anyone else about him. I genuinely feel that if Daniel feels he needs an off-day that he should take it. I'll be the first to tell you that anyone who is having daily sessions is going to need a break now and then. They are extremely draining.

However I do expect the common curtsey of being informed before my patient takes the session off. I didn't bother to contact Daniel yesterday as it is his decision alone whether or not he wishes to continue with these sessions. I intend to give him until tomorrow before I go looking for him. If he hasn't come to me before then I'll be forced to take action. Not to mention his refusal to talk about his time in foster care has worried me greatly.

**Jacks POV: **

Something's up with Daniel. I know it. He's jumpy and twitchy and keeps looking over his shoulder. It's starting to get on my nerves. What's bad though is that when we came into the base today, it got WORSE! It's starting to worry me.

"Daniel, calm down!" I tell him.

He jumps about a foot in the air. The others look at him surprised by his reaction. We're in Carters lab. She's working on some doo-hicky that's suppose to help enhance gate dial-out timing. Or something like that. I really haven't a clue.

"Is something wrong, Daniel?" Sam asks him in the best _'big-sister voice'_ I've ever heard.

"Wrong? No, no of course not. Nothing's wrong. But, I think I'll just go for a walk. Yeah, a walk will be good. Yeah, see you guys later." He waves and leaves the lab.

"Well that was…"

"…strange?" I finish for her.

"Should we follow him?"

"No, I don't think so. Whatever it is he needs to come to us himself. If we push he'll just clam up even more." I tell her.

"That…actually…makes sense." Says Carter.

"What? I can make sense too you know!"

"Of course sir. I didn't mean any…"

"Carter! Relax!"

**Dr. McNally' POV:**

I look up from my work when I hear my door slam…I'm not sure what surprises me more…the fact Daniel turned up, or that Daniel turned up when he clearly needed help.

"Daniel, what can I do for you?" I watch as he leans against my now closed door. His breathing is ragged and his head is hung low.

"Daniel? Daniel, what's wrong?"

He shakes his head and I lead him over to my coach.

"Shh, it's okay, Daniel. Take all the time you need."

He swallows and nods his head quickly. He does all he can to get himself back under control. When he has calmed down a little more he moves away from me somewhat.

"Are you okay now?" I ask him.

He nods. He has yet to speak to me. It's worrying me big time.

"What happened, Daniel?"

"I'm sorry" he whispers to me.

"Sorry? Sorry for what?"

"I got arrogant. I thought I didn't need you, that I was fine on my own. I'm sorry."

"Daniel, it's a good thing that you know you need help, but you are okay. Not 100% but close. You won't need me forever. I promise." I try to re assure him but I'm not sure how much is getting through to him…

"I feel like…I'm losing control. Like I'm not me anymore. I don't know, that's crazy right? Maybe I really am crazy…"

"Daniel, you're not crazy. And I know it's scary when things seem so out of your control. But you can get it back. You're still you…but you're just under pressure."

"Don't give me that pressure crap, Doc! I know better."

"Okay. But Daniel, you are still you. Okay? You're still you." I wait a minute before talking again.

"Daniel, why didn't you come to see me yesterday? Daniel?"

"I thought I was all right without it…"

"Yes. You told me that, but what else?"

"Nothing…"

"Daniel, one rule."

"…I was…I didn't want to see you…"

"Okay and why was that? I thought we were getting along in these sessions."

"We were…"

"But we're not now?"

"NO! We still are…"

"But…"

"But, after the…l-last session I just…"

"You thought I'd bring up what we'd discussed. Daniel, I told you if there's something you don't want

to discuss, I won't push you about it!"

"I know, I'm sorry. I know, but I just…panicked."

"Look, Daniel, I won't push, I promised I wouldn't, but if there's something that's scaring me so much I'd tell someone about it! Hear me out!" I say when he starts to move. "It doesn't have to be me, or even the Colonel. It could be your fish for all I know, but whatever it is, you need to say it. Okay!"

"Saying it'll make it real." he whispers.

"Maybe, but it might also make you feel better. You've tried your way this long. Why don't you give my way a try?"

"I'll think about it."

"Okay, let me know…"

"I said, I'd think about it! Not that I'd do it!"

"Okay. That's fine Daniel. It's okay."

We continued the rest of our session in much the same matter. I hoped that, if things went according to plan, Daniel would be ready to reduce his sessions in two weeks. At the end of the session everything had gotten quiet.

"Daniel, is there anything else you'd like to discuss?"

"No, I think that's it doc."

"Okay then. There's just one thing. Have you given any thought to my suggestion about the group session?"

"Eh, yeah, kind 'a."

"And?"

"I suppose…it might be a good idea…"

"Good. Okay then. How about tomorrow? I'll get everyone together. When I get a time that suits everyone, I'll let you know."

"Right, thanks…" Daniel left then.

I hoped I was making the right decisions with him.

"General."

"Come in, Dr. McNally. What can I do for you?"

"Sir, I was wondering if I could get you to join me and Daniel for a group session tomorrow? As I understand it SG-1 is not scheduled to go off-world then."

"Doctor, what would actually happen?"

"Well sir, I'm hoping to get you, the rest of SG-1 and Dr. Fraiser to join us. Basically Daniel has a few things to work out about the incident with Ma'cello. He and I think it might help if he was to…express what the situation did to him. It will also give you all a chance to clear bridges. Make no mistake, Daniel will not sit there and hurl abuse at you by any means, but it is important that he get rid of any anger or hurt he is still feeling."

"Very well, Doctor. If it's what you think is best. I'll have the others meet us in, the debriefing room tomorrow at 11:00?"

"That'll be fine, General. Thank-you." I left the room and went to inform Daniel about the times.

Then next day I was sitting in the debriefing room waiting for the others. When everyone was here except Daniel I stood up and started.

"Thank-you all for coming to support Daniel today."

"Well where else would we be?" Says Colonel O'Neill.

"I agree with the colonel, we want to…"

"That's the first thing I wanted to talk about. Sir, with your permission, for this session I'd like to, do away with the formalities of rank. Just for now, to make things more comfortable for Daniel. Remind him that he's among friends."

I turn to the General who nods to give his consent.

"Thank-you. Now, Daniel should be here any minute. I told him to give me some time to explain things. Basically, what will happen is Daniel will tell you how things happened from his point of view…"

"We already have Dr. Jac…sorry, Daniel's report on the matter."

"George, I'm sorry but you have his formal report. He would have left a lot out. His personal feelings and such. Now, after he has done that, you can all speak. Obviously not all at once. Though I have a feeling that throughout Daniel's rendition of his experience we will stop several times for him to add. You all at some point or another. Now George, this room is off limits for the next hour or so right?"

"Yes. The air men have been told that the room is off-limits for two hours unless it's a matter of security."

"Very well." I sit down and we wait for Daniel. After about 10 minutes he walks into the room slowly. Head bowed. He coughs.

"Sorry, I eh…"

"Don't worry, Daniel, sit down." I say.

He sits and takes a quick look at everyone in the room before looking down again.

"Eh…I assume Dr. McNally has told you all what this is about…" There's a couple of yes' and a couple of nods.

"Right, then. So where do I start?" He asks.

"The beginning is always good…" Jack says with a shrug of his shoulders. He makes Daniel smile.

That's good. Daniel coughs again.

"Okay…well…"

We sit there and Daniel tells his story. The others are all pale. We're nearly finished now.

"I hated that room. That DAMN room!! They took my glasses. As if things weren't bad enough I couldn't even see!! They said it was so I wouldn't hurt myself but they never even BOTHERED to look at my arms. All the injections, all of them, were in the neck. I hated them. And then you came. Jack, Sam, Teal'c. You came to see me. And I thought you'd come to take me out at first. DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FELT TO REALISE YOUR FRIENDS WERE LEAVING YOU THERE TO ROT!?"

"Calm down Daniel," I tell him. I see he breathes for a few minutes before opening his eyes and looking at everybody again.

"Sorry, I'm sorry. It's just, I was scared. So, so scared. And then I saw it. That thing entered Teal'c, and you didn't believe me! You wouldn't believe me…"

"Daniel…" Sam starts to talk.

"Shh, Sam, let him finish." She nod, albeit a little reluctantly. Daniel continues.

"And Janet, I was there in the first place because you gave up on me. How could you g-give up on me??"

Daniel then turned towards the General, "You signed the forms. You agreed. How could you sign my life away when you _KNEW_ that we'd brought things back through the gate before? Heck, if you think about the disease we brought back from the dark side of the 'Land of Light', surly it MUST have been obvious that I wasn't just crazy. Right?"

"Daniel…" Several people in the room started. They stopped, looked at one-another and it was decided that Janet speak first.

"Daniel, you can't know just how sorry I feel for what was done to you. I hold myself completely responsible. You are right; we see so many unusual things brought back through the gate that I shouldn't have dismissed you like I did. The only thing I have in my defense was that Dr. McKenzie…"

"…influenced you? Is that what you were going to say, Janet? Cause if it is, then you can save your breath. I don't care what McKenzie said to you, you still went along with it."

Time to interfere I think.

"Daniel, stop. That's uncalled for…"

"Well, so was what she did!"

"Daniel…"

"No…he's right! I deserved that. But, Daniel, I am sorry."

I watch as Daniel sighs.

"I know, Janet. I am too. I know you wouldn't have signed those forms if you hadn't got good reasons but, it just…well it hurt."

"What about me, Daniel?" The General has spoken up and Daniel is now scrutinizing him.

"I understand you were only doing what the information in front of you supported. I was angry, but I'm not now. Not anymore."

"Thank-you, Daniel. And for what it's worth, I am sorry you were sent to that place. I'm so sorry we didn't trust you."

Daniel just nodded at him in acceptance.

"What about the others, Daniel?" I indicate the rest of SG-1. He looks towards them but, his eyes give nothing away.

"They did me the greatest disservice of all. They left me there too rot. They knew who I was, but obviously they didn't know me as much as they should have. They were WRONG! How could you have gotten it wrong? I though you knew me! Why didn't you know me? I've NEVER let anyone get as close to me as I have you three. Why wasn't that good enough?"

I feel the raw pain coming off him in waves.

"Do you want to know what I felt when you left me there?"

"Of course, Daniel!" Sam exclaims.

The colonel is silent; this is hurting him more than he is letting on and from what I've observed Teal'c never really shows much emotion in any situation.

"Really! Well I tell you what I felt. Pain, just RAW PAIN! I was alone in that room. I started banging on the walls just so I could try to feel something. Only I couldn't even do that! Why? Cause the walls were padded! The floor was padded! Everything was FUCKING PADDED! I had no way to know I was alive. I was so drugged that I couldn't move my arms. I thought I was dead. That I wasn't real. I forgot how to 'feel'. You did that. You left me there like that." Daniel put his hands up to his face, but he didn't cry. He was simple worn out. There was a glass of water in front of him and he took a large drink of it.

"Daniel…I don't know what to say…" Sam was very pale now and I could see tear tracks on her cheeks.

"Me neither, Sam. Me neither."

"How do we fix this, Daniel? Tell me, tell us what to do it fix this and we'll do it…" she pleads with him.

"There is nothing, Sam. There's nothing to fix it. But…we have moved on, and that's good enough for me. I just…I needed to get this out in the open. Dr. McNally explained how it would help to get this out of my system."

Sam left her chair and went to hug Daniel. She whispered something in his ear but I couldn't hear. Afterwards she sat back down and everyone looked to Teal'c and Jack.

"Daniel Jackson, it is clear I have done many a great disservices to you. And yet you have always forgiven me. I do not expect it this time…"

"Teal'c, stop! We're good. Okay. I'm…well, I wouldn't say okay with what happened but I'm putting it behind me. You and I have nothing to worry about."

Teal'c inclines his head towards Daniel. I imagine I see a ghost of a smile on the Jaffa's face. Now there's just Jack left. I hold my breath.

"Well, I'm not going to apologize again. Daniel, you and I, we've said our peace."

Everyone is kind 'a shocked. I knew that they had spoken, but Daniel had not told me the whole conversation.

"Yes, we have."

"But Daniel, I will say this. On this team you are a valued member and we do trust you. We mightn't always show it in the right way, but it's true. You mean a lot to us Daniel and we'll go to hell and back to protect you. Even if that means protecting you from ourselves."

Daniel nods. And Jack claps him on the shoulder.

"Right, is that it doc?" Jack asks me.

"I believe so, unless there's anything Daniel wants to add?" Everyone looks at Daniel.

"No worries, I'm not going to annoy you any longer." He says it, trying to joke, but no one is laughing.

"Daniel, it is NEVER any trouble listening to you. Okay?!"

He nods again, a small blush filtering across his cheeks.

"Thanks Janet."

"Right, you can go!" I tell them.

Everyone stands up to leave, but Jack has a smirk on his face. He indicates something to the Sam and Teal'c and before anyone knows what's happening the three of them have wrapped Daniel up in a big group hug. It's good to hear him laughing.

**Daniels POV: **

It had felt good to finally tell them all how I had felt. I really had needed it. However, when Jack, Sam and Teal'c had hugged me I finally felt that we'd be okay. For real this time.

I'm at home now. Funny how after such a short time I have come to see Jack's house as home. My home, with my room. I know it really isn't mine, but for now I can pretend. I won't even be doing that for much longer. I move out in a week. After the group session Dr. McNally had decided to reduce my suicide watch time by a week. I only had a week of daily sessions left too. After that it'll be once every three days. He thinks I'll be okay with that. If not we'll change it to once every second day.

Dr. McNally seems to have a lot of faith in me. It's good cause it means even when I don't believe in myself I now have to people to do it for me. Dr. McNally and Jack. I'm going to be okay, I think. I hope. The door bell rings.

"Daniel, can you get that?" Jack is in the kitchen preparing a salad. I had offered to help but he had kicked me out of the kitchen, going all alpha male over it. I walk over to the door and let our guests in. Sam has brought a bottle of wine, Teal'c a pie of some sort.

"Thanks guy's, please come in. Sit down. I'll tell Jack you're here."

"No need. Hey Carter, Teal'c."

"Hi, sir."

"Hello, O'Neill."

"Right well dinner should be ready in about 10 minutes. If you give me that wine, Carter I'll pour us all glasses and Teal'c if you pass the pie, I'll put it in the oven to heat up."

They both did as he requested and he left the room.

"Was he wearing…?" Sam starts but is laughing too much to finish her sentence.

"Yep." I'm laughing too. Jack was wearing a pink apron with fake breasts on the front of it.

"You kids better not be laughing at me in there!"

"N-no, s-sir!" Calls Sam.

Oh god, it was funny.

Eventually we sat down and started eating.

"It's good we've finally had a chance to do this." Sam says.

"Yeah. We needed this I think." I say.

"You mean you all needed a bit of Irish home cooking…"

"I do not understand, O'Neill, were you not born in America?"

Sam and I snigger as Jack is spluttering over his meal.

"That's not the point Teal'c!"

Half the time I think Teal'c does that on purpose, just to get at Jack.

After the meal Jack brings out the pie and serves it. I'm expecting it to taste as good as the main course but when Jack and I both take bites out of our pie we both start to splutter.

"Yuck! Carter where did you buy that?" 'm a little more tactful.

"Eh, Teal'c how come you haven't tried any?"

"I didn't buy it, sir, I MADE it!" Oh shit. Jack was in for it now.

"Oh…eh…it's lovely." He says and sticks another fork full into his mouth. His grimace was not helping.

"Now I know why you didn't take any…" I whisper to Teal'c. Not as quiet as I had hoped though.

"Have you got a problem with my cooking too Daniel??"

"Who me?? No." I also stick a fork in my mouth. I almost laugh though when Sam raises her eyebrow to Teal'c and he too puts a piece of pie in his mouth. When we were finished he told me, "It never serves to make a woman angry when she knows how to use a P90." Sound advice I think.

When Sam and Teal'c leave I curl up on the coach after helping Jack tidy everything away. There's a game on he wants to watch. I have my book. I watch Jack walk over with two cups of coffee and sit in the chair to the side to me. We sit in silence for a while until the game is on half time. Jacks team are losing.

"Thanks for tonight, Jack." I say.

"Anytime, Daniel. We all needed a team night out. We all had fun. Though I could have done without Carter's pie. What was in that!?"

"I don't think I want to know! I didn't realize she could make Teal'c do things either!"

"Tell me about it." We're quite for a little longer.

"Daniel, when did Dr. McNally say you're off…eh…"

"Suicide watch?"

"Yeah, that…"

"End of the week. Why?"

"Oh, I was just curious…"

"You know, Jack, curiosity…"

"Oh stop it, Daniel. I'm not getting into that with you again." I snigger.

"It'll be quiet without you here…" He says.

"That apartment will be quite too."

"You know, Daniel, you're welcome here any time right. You have the key. Just let yourself in. Any time, day or night. I don't mind. If you want to talk or you just want some company or if you haven't got your irritating Jack quota for the day filled, just come on over. Any time…" Jack is just repeating himself but I get the sentiment.

"Thanks, Jack. That means a lot." And it does. After the game I head up to bed and Jack isn't far behind me.

"Night, Jack."

"Night, Daniel." Things are good. I should have known they wouldn't last.

**Jack's POV: **

I was in the mess hall eating a bowl of fruit loops when the klaxons sounded. Just great. Last night Daniel had moved out and I hadn't slept well at all. I had grown used to the sound of

his breathing through my paper thin walls. Things were bad enough at the moment without adding an SGC crises.

When I entered the gate room, General Hammond and the rest of SG-1 were already there.

"It's the metsoins, Colonel." Said Hammond. This couldn't be good. "Guns at the ready."

The wormhole engaged and out tumbled Prince Lamenkesh himself with a woman in his arms.

"Help her!" He pleads before he passes out.

I run to the phone on the wall.

"Med team to the gate room immediately!"

When Janet and her team of vultures turn up, the two are put onto gurneys and taken to the infirmary. We all follow.

"Sir," Janet is addressing the General, "Sir, Prince Lamenkesh is sleeping. He passed out due to exhaustion. He's in relatively good condition. A few cuts and bruises, nothing serious. He's severely under nourished though. I have him on a drip for the moment. He's also been given something to help him sleep. Exhaustion or not he won't be able to sleep in her without it I don't think. He's on to much of an adrenaline rush."

"And what of the woman?" He asks Fraiser.

"She's in a worse condition. Both her right arm and her left ankle are broken. She has extreme bruising over much of her torso and her back has many lacerations, they seem to indicate whipping. Perhaps with a stick of some kind, there are also splinters in her back. She won't wake up for some time."

"Very well. Do what you can for them, Dr. Fraiser. Let me know the minuet he wakes up."

"I will, General."

"All right SG-1, I want you all down here the moment Lamenkesh wakes up too."

We all say yes and leave. By consensus we all leave for the mess hall. My fruit loops have probably been tidied away by now. But still I can drink coffee, or if the mood strikes me, just get more. We find a table and sit down.

"What do you think, Jack?" asks Daniel.

"About Lamenkesh?"

"No, about the General's tie today!"

"I thought it was lovely, though I prefer the one he wears on Mondays…"

"Jaaack…"

"I think it's weird. We'll find out more when his highness wakes up though. We can't do any more than that though for now."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right."

For a few minutes I'm granted peace. Then…

"Do you think the woman is his companion?" Carter theorized.

"You know, I think you could be right…" Said Daniel.

"Oh for cryin' out loud! Drop it will ya! The pair of you, you're like vultures." The scientific two _'hymphed'_ at me and went back to the tea and coffee respectively. Teal'c just raised an eye-brow.

"Kids." I muttered. I've no doubt they heard. But they knew well enough not to say anything. Good. I can finally have some peace now.

"SG-1 TO THE INFIRMARY. SG-1 TO THE INFIRMARY."

Famous last words. We get up from our tables and rush to the infirmary as told. Why no one can just walk calmly around here, I'll never know.

When we get to the infirmary, Lamenkesh is sitting up in bed having ice-chips fed to him by Fraiser. Just wait till he gets a needle in the bum from her…we'll see if he's still smiling then.

Well he's not really smiling, more like grimacing. Anyway, General Hammond is at the foot of the bed. He's obviously started the interview it seems.

"So you returned to your home when?"

"Two days ago. I had returned with Timi…" that must be the _'girlfriend'_. "…but I could not find the Colonel or anyone else from SG-1. My great uncles guards found the two of us. Separated us. I escaped but when I found her she was in a worse condition. We got away, just barely making it through the Stargate."

"Will they try to come here? To get you back?" asked Hammond.

"No, no. They won't. They won't have anything to do with you. General, I need your help. I can't leave my people to be ruled by him. He's crazy. Please, send me help to get me to my rightful place. I have my companion now and once she is better we will be able to rule. Please help."

"Prince Lamenkesh, we will do all that we can to help Miss Timi, but apart from that, I can't promise you anything until I get permission from the higher ups. Just give me time and I'll see what we can do."

Lamenkesh nods and falls back to sleep.

"Debriefing room." The General says.

We all follow him out; with Fraiser bring up the rear end.

"Well, what do you think?" We sit down and look at each other.

"I think he's genuine sir. We should help these people if we can!" Daniel speaking up for the good of people as per usual.

"Major Cater?"

"I think it's worth a shot sir. With enough man power. It should be possible."

"I'm not so sure, General!" I add my two cents worth.

"And why is that, Colonel?"

"Sir, we're going up against an unknown enemy. How many shoulders has this new King got at his disposal? What superior weapons do they possess? We all know they are more advanced than we are."

"And yet they live with a monarchy. Jack, we have a chance to help these people. Don't you think the benefits far out way the risks?"

"Perhaps, but unless his highness is willing to give us the info we need we won't get anywhere." I play the devil's advocate as I know someone has to. I know well that if we were to go with SG-3 and SG-9 watching our backs we'd come out alright.

"All right. I'll talk to the president. If gives the okay then you, SG-3 and SG-9 will have a go."

"Thank-you, sir." I say.

Daniel raises his eyebrow at me, quite funny to watch, but I just shrug my shoulder in response. I know the president will give us the go so the moment Prince-y and the little women get better well be off to fight the big bad King of Metsoin. What fun.

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**A/N: Well that's all for now. Like I said I'll TRY and get another chapter up between now and Sunday but I can't see it happening. So that's it till the 27****th**** at least. Sorry. Please review…PLEASE! Make me smile on my holiday…please. C ya. **

**Re-edited on April 4****th**** 2009. Thank-you for all reviews. **


	10. Linda

**A/N: Heay sorry you've had to wait for so long. Blame writers block. Hopefully you like this chapter and it'll make up for the long wait. **

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, Pre- Slash. Rating may change. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. **

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**Janet's POV:**

"Security to the infirmary, security to the infirmary!" I shouted. I had just walked out of my office intending to check on our newest patients but when I'd gotten to about 10 feet of them I had been blasted back by a force field of some sort. What I saw shocked the hell out of me. Though with all we see around here in the SGC it really shouldn't have.

Seconds later security personnel were entering the infirmary guns raised, ready and rearing to go. They too were blasted back once they had gotten to close. I wasn't surprised when I saw SG-1 and General Hammond enter seconds behind the SF's of the base. I ran over to them and told them what had happened. None of us were able to breach the barrier. Then to everyone's amazement, a gold light enveloped the two metsoins and they disappeared.

All the SF's looked around in shock, unsure what they should do now. The General told them all to search the base though no one expected them to find anything.

"My office. Now, Dr. Fraiser if you please." commanded the General. Once again I was not surprised when SG-1 followed.

"Are you okay?" I couldn't help but ask everyone. It's a professional hazard. Everyone confirmed they were okay, still slightly dazed from the insistent they had just left behind.

When we entered General Hammonds office he sat behind his desk and sighed before looking up at us all.

"Okay, Dr. Fraiser, just what did we see back there?" He asked me.

I felt everyone's eyes on me and I repeated what I'd told them in the infirmary, expanding the tail now that I had more time.

"Fine. Write up the report. We can't do any more anyway." Said Hammond.

"But, Sir!" Said Daniel speaking up for the first time, "We we're going to go back to the planet. They need our help!"

"It's out of my hands now, Dr. Jackson. I'm sorry. We can do no more."

I watched as Daniel silently fumed knowing there was going to be an explosion at some point in the near future. Daniel was not likely to take something like this lying down. Not after he'd promised to help their world. Whoever it is Daniel decides to unload on, I sure hope they have a stiff drink with them at the same time. They'll need it.

**Daniels POV: **

I'm fuming when I leave General Hammonds office. I can't believe that he won't let us help the metsoins. They came to us for help and we couldn't do it the first time. Then they came to us for protection and we couldn't do that either. How could we just leave them with that mess and not do anything ourselves to help??

I ignore the fact a part of me is also hurt by General Hammond's refusal to listen to me. As if what I have to say has no meaning. I'm the consultant here into different civilizations and even in our civilization leaving people to fend for themselves, when we had the power to help them was just wrong. Plain and simple.

I slam the door on my office closed and back up against the door. I take a deep breath and try a few calming exercises Dr. McNally thought me. With this being my last week on suicide watch I'd need to be very careful about how I present myself. I have one more session with the doctor before he _'releases'_ me from watch, though I'll still have to see him once a week. I'll miss Jack.

Jack, that annoying, irritating, wonderful man who's been there for me more than anyone else in this world, or even any other world. He's seen me at my best and at my worst. Despite this, I should be happy to get my own space back though, so why aren't I? I stop thinking about all this and go to the computer to write a report on why exactly I think we should return to P3X 509. I won't let this rest!

"Daniel?" called Jack. I look up from my computer and fake a smile.

"Hey, Jack. Eh, I'm really quite busy at the moment, can it wait?" I ask.

"Nope. It's important." he says. I look at his face to see if I can read anything from it. I can't.

"What is it?" I say.

" It's lunch time. You have to eat." he says with a straight face.

"That's it…"

"Ah…"

"Jack, I'm really very busy at the moment. I think food can wait." I say patiently as though explaining it to a very young child.

"Ah! Nothing is more important than staying healthy. Now you can either (a) come quietly, (b) stay here and I'll come back with Teal'c and Carter, or you can stay here while I bring a tray up to you and sit and watch you eat it all. I pick exactly what you eat and you'll have no choice about it." he says impressed with himself.

"Fine!" I sigh, "I'll come with you. But, just for something light, I really am very busy."

"Whatever, whatever. Let's go!" He cries impatiently.

We leave my office and I'm dragged down to the canteen laughing.

**Jack's POV:**

It was two days ago when I convinced Daniel to come down to the mess hall with me. He's barely spoken to me since. He's barely spoken to anybody since. When I walk into his office and see him stubble faced and dead on his feet I decide that I've had enough.

"Did you even come home last night??"

"……..", there was silence from Daniel.

"Daniel, answer me for cryin' out loud!" I grabbed Daniel and turned him around. I finally got a response, though it's not the reaction I had hoped for. Daniel screamed and pushed me away.

"Don't touch me, Don't touch me, don't touch me!!"

"Daniel, it's okay. It's me. It's Jack. What's happened?" Eventually he calms down long enough to realize that he's not really wherever his mind had brought him.

"J-j-jack, I'm sorry. I-I-I-I'm okay now. I'm sorry, you just caught me off guard. Eh, I have work to do…"

"Daniel, what's happened?"

"Nothing, Jack. Nothing's happened. I'm fine."

"Bull! Daniel, if you don't want to tell me that's fine, but tell Dr McNally at least. Please. You have a session with him in two days time. We can move it forward if you need to."

"You're kidding right? Two days before I'm off suicide watch and you want me to move a session forward!!"

"Why would that effect …unless…you're not feeling that way are you? Daniel? Are you? Please talk to me. Tell me what's going on." I say rapidly.

"Jack…Jack, I don't know what I'm feeling right now. But I do know I'm not risking my freedom 2 days from due date. No way."

"Look, Daniel, the very fact that you're worried this could jeopardize your _'freedom'_ as you put it proves to me you're not ready to be off it in the first place. Just, think about that will you? I'll be in my office if you need to talk." I turn around to leave but I'm surprised when I'm called back.

"Jack…she's dead."

I turn and face him.

"Who dead, Daniel?"

"Linda…my sister…my foster sister. She's gone…"

"Oh, Daniel…I'm so sorry…"

"Yeah, so am I." He turned away from me but I wasn't going to let him push me away. I walked over and put my arms around him. But he was having none of it.

"Jack! Stop! Don't, just please don't touch me right now. I don't want to be touched."

It was an odd request but I'd follow it for now.

"Okay, Daniel, no touching." I say backing up with my hands in front of me. He nods and takes a deep breath.

"What happened to her?" I ask. I don't think I want the answer.

"She…killed herself." He says matter of factly.

I was right, I didn't want the answer. "Oh."

"Jack, go away. Please. I just want to be on my own right now."

"I don't know if I should…"

"Please! Go. I'll be all right. Just go."

I stair for a minute and then turn around and leave, closing the door on the way out. I hear something smash against a wall.

**Daniel's POV: **

When Jack closes the door after him I pick up a cup and throw it against the wall. There's a coffee stain on the wall now. Still dripping. I can't believe she's dead. Linda, my dear Linda. A year younger than me but far more outspoken. We went through hell together. We survived together.

I slump down on the table barely able to hold myself up. Pain. Just raw pain. That's all I felt. Surging through me. Only it wasn't like a river running rampant. This was like a storm building. Winds increasing slowly only to consume at a later stage.

The funeral is in two days. I'd gone home last night to pick up any mail I'd received recently. Plus I'd wanted a few books for a translation I was working on. And there it was. The envelope all official and everything. For some reason, it was Linda's lawyer who contacted me. I suppose there was no one else really. She had never gotten married, never had kids. She was like me. No family to speak of. I really don't think _'Grandpa Nick'_ counts.

Why did she do this to herself now? I mean she'd always been the stronger of the two of us. I'd asked her once. I'd been thinking about Sean, my foster brother from the last house I'd stayed. I'd asked her did she ever think of just escaping. Ending all the pain. She went bizerk. Got all these books out of the local library on suicide and depression. And lectured me on it for two hours before threatening me at the end. She said if I ever killed myself she'd find a way to bring me back to life just so she could kill me herself. I never mentioned the subject again.

I rubbed my arms hard. I wanted to cut. But I really couldn't. If I went to McNally now he'd defiantly keep me on suicide watch for longer. I felt tears on my cheeks. This was breaking my heart. I could feel my heart breaking.

Linda, my Linda is dead. Why did everyone I love leave? After all we'd been through, what could have gotten to her so much that she did this?? I'm crying harder now. My shoulders are shaking. I'm alone.

**Jack's POV: **

I shouldn't have left him alone. But I didn't know what else to do. God I wish I could help him. I didn't even know about this woman though. I'd never heard Daniel talk about her. Though he never really mentions anything about his past in foster care. I can't sit still. I'm too wound up. I decide to go see

General Hammond. Daniel will need time off work to go to the funeral.

When I get there I'm surprised to see Dr. McNally there too. I'm reluctant to say anything now, but I'm already here.

"Eh, General?"

"What is it, Colonel O'Neill?"

"Sir, Its Daniel…" Both men sit up in their seats.

"He just found out. His sister, his foster sister that is, she eh, she died." I tell them. "He's going to need time off work general. To go to the funeral."

"Where is Dr. Jackson now, Colonel?"

"He's in his office. Said he wanted to be alone."

General Hammond and Dr. McNally shared a look.

"Did he say how she died, Colonel?" asked the Doctor, speaking up for the first time.

"She killed herself." I say.

Both are shocked. I'm not surprised. Dr. McNally indicates to General Hammond and he walks out of the office. To see to Daniel I'm sure.

"Sit down, Colonel." I close the door and we discuss time off for Daniel.

**Daniel's POV:**

I hear the door open up behind me and try to pull myself together.

"It's okay, Daniel. You don't have to hide from me. Tell me what's happened."

It's Dr. McNally. I wonder briefly if Jack went and got him. But right now I don't care. I'm too far gone to care. I can't seem to stop crying and I'm beginning to hyperventilate. I shake my head and refuse to look at McNally.

"Come on, Daniel that's it. Remember the breathing exercise I showed you. Think about them, or your Kel'no'reem."

He touches my shoulder and gets the same reaction Jack did much earlier.

"Okay, no touching. Please, Daniel, just concentrate on your breathing or you'll make yourself sick."

I try to slow my breathing down and eventually there is a noticeable difference, though I'm still breathing quite heavily. When I'm feeling a little more in control I ask Dr. McNally what he's doing here, but I still don't look at him.

"Jack went to General Hammonds office to ask for time off for you. I was there at the time."

"Did he say why I'd need the time of?"

"Yes. He told us about your foster sister. What she did. Daniel, will you turn around?"

Slowly I turn around my head still bowed towards the floor.

"Please, Daniel. Look at me."

I shake my head. I'm not ready to face anyone. I just want to curl up in a little ball and say hidden from everything forever and ever. Yep, I want to hide.

"Daniel, do you want to cut?"

I jerk my head up at that. But still don't look at him.

"Yeah…" I whisper.

"Okay. Come on. Let's go over to the couch."

I follow McNally and sit on the couch beside him. He takes out the knife. I notice it's been cleaned since the last time. Without hesitation I take the knife. I surprise Dr. McNally though by standing up and moving around in the office until I'm behind the desk.

"Daniel…"

"Shhhh…" I say.

I cut myself once, twice, three times, four times, that's when I hear McNally's voice in the background. He's standing up now.

"Daniel, give me the knife. I need you to give me the knife now."

But I ignore him. I keep cutting. Five times, six times, seven. He rushes over too me and tries to take the knife. But I back away into a wall. I'm panicking. I need this. I need to feel the blood, because she can't. Linda can't feel anything anymore.

I'm crying again and I feel the knife taken out of my hand. I slump to the ground and start rocking myself. I'm inconsolable.

**Dr. McNally's POV: **

When Daniel stood up with the knife I was on instant alert. When he didn't stop cutting himself I got up and tried to take the knife off him but he became violent. He slashed my hand with the knife before he backed into the wall. He'd started muttering to himself. Calling himself names. A clear panic attack. Finally I noticed him slump a bit. I was able to take the knife off him and he fell to the ground. This was bad.

"Daniel, Daniel? Daniel, you need to listen to me. You're bleeding heavily. We need to clean the cuts." He wasn't responding to me though. "Daniel, if you don't respond to me I'm going to have to call the infirmary."

He still didn't answer. I went back to the table in the room and reached for the phone. I dialed the extension number for the infirmary and asked for doctor Fraiser and a stretcher.

When Doctor Fraiser got to Daniels office he'd already lost a lot of blood. He was still muttering to himself and rocking. I still couldn't get at his arm. I was afraid to touch him at the moment anyway. I think that'll only make things worse right now.

"What happened?" demanded Doctor Fraiser.

"We'd been in a session. He wouldn't give the knife back. I don't think you should touch him right now. Not until he knows you're there anyway."

She gives me a look but accepts what I say. She kneels down in front of Daniel and starts talking to him softly.

"Daniel? Daniel can you hear me? Daniel if you can hear me I need you to give me your arm." She turns to me when he doesn't respond and I shrug.

"Daniel, please I need you to respond. If you don't respond I'll be forced to sedate you." He still didn't respond to Dr. Fraiser. She nodded to one of the nurses there and they prepared and handed her a syringe.

"Last chance, Daniel…" She waited but he still didn't respond.

"I'm sorry, Daniel. I don't want to do this." She stuck the needle into his arm at an awkward angle. I saw her look at his neck and was thankful she decided against that route. Daniel was never aware of the needle going in. He was babbling one minute and silent the next.

Two orderlies helped lift Daniel onto the stretcher and he was wheeled down to the infirmary. It was a horrible sight to see. Tear tracks still evident on his face.

**Daniel's POV: **

I felt groggy. Like I'd gotten too much sleep. Slowly I became aware of my surroundings. I could smell the disinfectant that clearly indicated I was once again in the infirmary. But why?

It all came back to me then. Linda was dead. She was gone and I had gone and made a fool of myself once again. No doubt worrying everyone once again.

I feel somebody close by, but don't open my eyes. I don't want to see anyone at the moment. I just want the safety of the dark right now. If I open my eyes it means I've to answer questions. Questions are bad; answers are worse.

"There's no point in pretending to be asleep, Daniel. I know you're awake." Jacks voice power over me.

Sighing I opened my eyes and looked at Jack. I sat up and he sat down on the chair beside me.

"How you feeling?" he asks me.

"Peachy…" I say sarcastically.

"Daniel, stop. Just stop."

"I'm sorry, Jack. I know you're only concerned."

"Damn right I'm concerned. I just found out my best friend tried to kill himself . . . again!"

"I didn't try to kill myself…"

"No? Then what was that?" He asks indicating my arms.

"Get out, Jack."

"No, Daniel, I won't. Now I think I have a right to know what's going on so tell me what the hell was that??"

"I just wanted to feel…"

"What?"

"I…I wanted to feel something, anything. Jack, Linda can't feel anything anymore. She can't feel anything. Jack, I needed to feel for the both of us. Can't you understand that?" Jack doesn't say anything to me. I close my eyes.

"Damn it, Daniel, don't do that!! Don't shut me out. Talk to me. Please."

"When am I getting out of here?"

"Daniel, I'm sorry but you're not getting out for a while. Janet wants to keep you here until she's certain you won't space out again."

"And that's the medical term for it is it?"

"Well you know me, Daniel, I've never really understood the medical babble."

"Just go away, Jack. I just want to be on my own."

"No, Daniel. The last time I listened to that you ended up in here. Why didn't you tell me you felt like cutting. You know we can talk about anything."

"No, Jack we can't. Not this. Never this. This is the one subject that'll always be closed. Now LEAVE!"

"No, Daniel. I'm not leaving. If you don't want to talk that's fine but I'm staying right here. You should probably know though if you co-operate now I might be able to get you out in time for the funeral."

"You Bastard! HOW DARE YOU USE SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO GET ME TO CO-OPERATE. JESUS JACK HOW CRUEL CAN YOU GET!!"

"I'm not trying to be cruel, Daniel. I'm trying to help…"

"Well, Jack if that's what you think help is then I don't want to see…"

"DANIEL! That's enough!" Dr McNally had just walked into the infirmary and actually looked angry for once.

"That's more than enough. Now apologize to Jack."

"WHAT!"

"You heard me…"

"Hey guys it's alright you know…" Said Jack.

Calls of _'shut up!'_ and _'Be quite!'_ were heard almost simultaneously.

"Daniel…"

"You're not my mother doc. Now I'm not going to apologize to Jack and that's that."

**Dr. McNally's POV: **

I'd like to say that things got better but unfortunately things only got worse. Daniel threw a fit. He was hallucinating, seeing things that weren't really there. I think everyone around here is hoping for another Ma'cello insistent, but I'm not so hopeful. Something happened to Daniel when he was in foster care and now the death of this women, Linda, has brought it all crashing down on his head.

In the end we had to sedate him again. He was becoming a danger to himself and to others. My hand had been bandaged up by Dr. Fraiser after we had seen to Daniel yesterday. I'd need 4 stitches. Things weren't looking good for Daniel. I could only hope that I would get permission to allow Daniel to the funeral tomorrow. I think the closer would do him good.

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**A/N: Well what do you think? Let me know soon. I really am sorry about the long wait. I won't do it again. Promise. **

**Re-edited on April 4****th**** 2009. Thanks for all the reviews. **


	11. YOU DID THIS!

**A/N: Heay. Thanks for the reviews. Hope you like this chapter. You'll find out more about Daniels past now. If it helps any while I was away from the story for so long I finally got a couple of good ideas. These should keep me going for the rest of the story. *smile*. **

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, Pre- Slash. Rating may change. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. **

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**Daniel's POV:**

It's raining. I was given a mild sedative before being allowed out to go to Linda's funeral. My head's fuzzy but I think I'm alright. Jack is here along with Teal'c and Sam. We're all in black; it's so morbid. There were a lot of people at the church. There are still a lot of people at the cemetery now. I don't know any of them.

The priest finished the sermon and Linda is lowered into the ground. I wait until everybody is gone before getting closer to the grave. The others are all giving me space as I say my last goodbyes to her.

"Hello, Danny…"

I froze when I hear the voice behind me.

"I-I thought you w-were in jail!?"

"Still got that stutter, do you?" The man in front of me frowned. "I was in jail. But I got out last month. Not long at all really."

I just stared at my shoes. I couldn't believe this man was standing in front of me. But I knew he'd get out sooner or later. I just never imagined…

"What are you doing here?" I ask somehow managing to keep my voice steady.

"Why, Danny I'm hear to say goodbye to Linda. Such a terrible loss, is it not?"

He said this with barely concealed joy. He was disgusting. I turned away to leave but he grabbed my arm twisting it.

"Where are you going, Danny? Don't you want to give me a hug? It has been so very long after all."

My stomach lurched as I tried to get out of his grasp, something I could easily do under normal circumstances. Training with Teal'c did have it's advantages after all. But I couldn't. I was too afraid. There were too many memories blinding me.

"Leave me alone! I'm not a little kid any more!"

Just as his grip got tighter, I heard Jack's voice.

"HEY! Get off him!" My arm was released and I nearly ran towards Jack to get away from my foster father.

"Danny, do you know this guy?" he asks me.

I can see Sam and Teal'c looking at me for answers.

"Yeah…"

"Wanna tell them how well you know me, Dannnny?" He drew out my shortened name. I felt bile rise up my throat once more.

The others were confused. This was easy to see. I didn't answer him though. I just wanted to leave and forget this ever happened. When the others realized I wasn't going to answer, they move to flank me and thankfully we started to leave.

"You know, Danny it's a pity." Unwillingly, I stopped.

"You were a much better toy than she was…"

That bastard! I turn and quick as a flash, I'm running towards the man who ruined my childhood. I'm on him before he knows what's happened. I'm punching him and kicking what ever parts of him I can.

He falls to the ground and covers his head. The others are trying to pull me off him. But I fight them so I could continue my frenzied attack.

Finally Teal'c grabbed me around the waist and pulled me away from the broken man on the ground. I start shouting.

"YOU DID THIS! YOU RAT FACED BASTARD! YOU DROVE HER TO THIS! SHE KILLED HERSELF BECAUSE OF YOU! YOU RUINED MY LIFE AND HERS! YOU'RE SHIT! YOU GOT THAT? SHIT!…" I'm still cursing at him but it's more muffled now.

I'm starting to break down. I could feel it. I asked Jack to take me home, to get me away from here. Away from him. He does. He's confused. Sam and Teal'c are confused. But I'm the most confused of all.

**Jack's POV:**

When we got Daniel back to my place, there was more than enough room for the four of us. We helped him to the couch and we went into the kitchen to plan how we were going to do this.

"He still asleep, Teal'c?" I asked.

"Indeed."

"Sir, should we call Dr. McNally?" Sam asked me.

"Yeah, actually I think we could use backup here. Use the phone in my study."

She nods and leaves the kitchen. I scrub my hands across my face. Now what? I'd never seen Daniel act like that before. Even to Aphophis, he was…better…I don't know. Just not what we saw back at the graveyard.

"Teal'c, what do we do?" I'm asking just for the sake of talking. I don't really expect Teal'c to have the answer.

"I believe it best for us to wait for Major Carter to return before we make any plans of action."

I just nodded my head. A few minuets later Carter came back into the kitchen. I didn't even have to ask about McNally.

"He says he can be here in an hour and just to keep Daniel warm. He thinks it sounds like shock, and that it didn't surprise him after what has happened the last few days."

"Okay then. You guys can go if you want. You don't have to…"

"With all due respect, Sir, I want to be here for Daniel and I'm sure Teal'c does too."

"That's fine, Cater. I was just asking. Look while we're here can we forget about the honorific's? I don't like being called sir in my own home."

"Yes, Sir…I mean, Jack."

I just raised an eyebrow doing a pretty good impression of Teal'c. I think. "I'll make coffee. Why don't you and Teal'c go get a blanket to cover Daniel and a pillow for his head?"

"Si…eh, Jack, shouldn't we put him to bed?"

"No, Sam. If I know Daniel, shock or not he'll be awake in half an hour tops. If he's up in bed, he'll go crazy. Better to have him down here with us. He might feel a bit more normal if we act like nothing different happened."

"All right. Come on, Teal'c."

They both leave the kitchen and I just breathe for a second. I'm worried for Daniel. Scared really. I don't know how to deal with this at all. Dr. McNally couldn't get here soon enough.

There's a game on the TV but the volume is down low. We can barley hear the commentary. But I don't mind. I have more important things on my mind. Sam is on Daniel's laptop. She says she can access the SGC astrophysics files from here. I don't doubt that. Teal'c has gone into one of the spare rooms to meditate. Something about keeping a calm mind around Daniel, I don't know as I wasn't really listening.

A while ago I admitted something to Dr. McNally and he gave me some advise. I never put his advice to work though. I backed down. I keep thinking it's not the right time. But it's never the right time.

Daniel is having such a hard time as it is, I don't want to take away from his support. I'm not being arrogant; Daniel does need me. Just like I need him. Well…maybe not like I need him exactly but well you get the point.

Who am I talking to? Oh, I'm going crazy, crazy with love. Yep that's right. I've fallen in love with Daniel. I can't tell him though. I won't tell him. Not until he's pulled himself together. I won't add to his problems. And that's what I would be doing, isn't it? Adding to what ever is going on in his head.

There's also the fact that I doubt Daniel will ever accept another man to his bed. Over the last few hours I've been looking back and I'm starting to come to a conclusion I don't want to admit to anyone. Not even myself. I hope I'm wrong and I don't think I've ever wished for anything more. God, Daniel I really, really hope I'm wrong.

I look over at Daniel when I notice him starting to wake up. Sam's looking at him too.

"Go get Teal'c!" I tell her.

She says nothing, just gets up and goes. I get up out of my chair and crouch down beside Daniel. I rub his hair gently and slowly he's in the land of the living.

"Hey sleepy head, rise and shine." It's probably not the most appropriate comment in the world at that point but I'm trying to be as normal as possible. I can see the confusion in his eyes and then fear.

"Shh…", I say trying to calm him, "It's all right now. We're at home. Sam and Teal'c are just in the other room. You're safe here."

He's looking around rapidly, his body preparing for fight or flight.

"Daniel, it's okay. You're okay. There's no one else here except Sam and Teal'c."

But it doesn't work. I shout for Sam and Teal'c to get in here now but when Daniel flinches back from me I lower my voice quickly, trying to calm him down again.

"What is it, Sir? Is he okay?" Sam asks.

"Shh! Don't shout!" I motion towards Daniel. He's curled up in a little ball on my couch.

"Something's up. I don't think he recognizes us."

"Sir?"

"Take a look for yourself." I say.

She comes over to me slowly and kneels down beside me.

"Daniel? Daniel what's wrong? Daniel, it's Sam. You need to tell me what's wrong so I can help you."

"DanielJackson, are you well?" Teal'c adds his two cents.

Daniel jumped at Teal'c's deep voice but curled up even tighter, if that's even possible. That's when I heard the door bell ring. Reluctantly I started to get up until I realized that it was probably Dr. McNally. Then I practically ran towards the door and opened it. It was Dr. McNally.

"Thank God, you're here!"

"What's happened?"

"He's not responding to us. He's curled up in a little ball on my couch. I don't think he knows who we are." I finish saying just as we enter my living room. Dr. McNally goes straight to Daniel kneeling down where I had been only minutes earlier.

"Daniel? Daniel, can you hear me? Daniel, if you can hear me nod your head." He did.

"That's good, Daniel. You did good. Now Daniel, do you now where you are?" This time he shook his head in the negative.

"Okay, Daniel. That's alright. Do you know who these people are?" Again he shook his head in the negative. This was not good.

"Daniel, I'd like you to tell me the last thing you can remember."

Daniel had calmed down a little during the doc's questioning but not much. He still wouldn't speak.

Dr. McNally motioned for me to come over. I went over to Daniel and sat on the end of the couch. He pulled his feet up closer to him. I tried hard not to sigh. I was successful. Just.

"Daniel, can you answer D . . . Mr. McNally's question?" I was going to say Doctor but if Daniel really didn't know what was going on around him I didn't think it was best to say there was a doctor here. Not yet anyway. Daniel shook his head in the negative.

"Daniel, can you speak at all?" He nodded his head in the affirmative.

"I guess it's just yes or no questions then."

"Daniel, are you allowed to speak?" Sam asked.

I looked at her surprised at the question. I was even more surprised when Daniel shook his head.

"Jesus!" I exclaimed.

"Daniel, has someone told you you're not aloud to speak?" A nod.

"Daniel, what age are you?" Sam asked.

When we got no answer I rephrased the question.

"Daniel, are you 40?" That got a definite no.

"Daniel, are you 30?" asked Dr McNally. Another no.

"Are you 20?" I tried again. One more no.

"Are you 10?" Sam all but whispered.

When he nodded no I didn't know whether to be relieved or more scared. What if he was younger!

"Daniel, are you younger than ten?" A nod no. Thank-God for that!

"Okay then, Daniel. Are you 11?" Another nod no.

"Oh for cryin' out loud! Daniel, can you just nod what age you are?" I ask in exasperation.

Slowly he starts to nod. Once, twice, three time…

When we got to 15 the nods stopped. It was all I could do not to get up and start pacing. 15 years old. Daniel thought he was 15 bloody years old! Now what were they all going to do? How could they help Daniel out of this one?

Sam gasped and Dr. McNally looked extremely worried. Teal'c was well . . . Teal'c.

"Daniel, will you turn around and look at us?" asked Dr. McNally.

Slowly but surly Daniel turned to face us all. His face was white. I'd expected red eyes but they remained dry. He was hugging himself. Why did that not surprise me.

"Okay, Daniel now I need you to listen to me very carefully. This is important." Dr. McNally was looking into Daniels eyes and we all saw he understood. "Daniel, you are safe here. These people here will NOT hurt you. I will not hurt you. Honestly by being here you're probably the most protected person in the world right now."

"More protected than the president?" Daniel had whispered it so quietly I wasn't sure I'd heard it at all. When I was sure I had heard him speak I jumped in before anyone else had the chance to.

"Yes, Daniel. Even more than the president. You're safe here and nobody is going to hurt you." I tell him.

He looks at me with uncertain eyes and I smile to try and help him believe me.

"Daniel, can you tell me what's the last thing you remember?" Dr, McNally tried a second time.

At first I thought he wasn't going to answer, that his earlier comment had just been a slip of the tongue, but after a few seconds Daniel answered.

"I was…I was in my room. I'd just finished my chores. I fell asleep." I could tell he was leaving something out but I didn't want to push. Besides he might not remember himself anyway.

"Okay. Well, Daniel it's late now. Why don't we bring you up to bed and you can go asleep then?"

Daniel froze for a second but when no one moved towards him he relaxed slightly.

"Come on, Daniel. I'll show you were you room is." I stand up and walk away from the couch.

The others back away also.

"Am I living here now?" I stop short. "Huh?"

"Am I living here?"

Then I realize what he meant. He thinks this is another foster home. I look over at Dr. McNally and he nods.

"Yeah, Daniel. You live here now."

Daniel gets off the couch and follows me upstairs. I can't help but think _'what have I done?'_

**Dr. McNally's POV:**

When Jack leaves the rest of us in the sitting room, Sam and Teal'c turn to me for answers.

"Doctor, how are we going to convince Daniel he's not 15?" Sam asks me.

"Perhaps I should wait to explain until Colonel O'Neill comes down stairs."

Both remained silent. When Colonel O'Neill came down stairs he collapsed onto the armchair and scrubbed his face.

"What's going on, Doc?"

"Colonel, Daniel has obviously regressed…"

"But how?" asked Sam.

"Major Carter, from what you told me on the phone today, Daniel has received a great shock. You don't know who that man is but, Daniel certainly did. Normally if a person regresses it is to an age they felt they were safe. However due to Daniels forced silence earlier I believe he has regressed to the time he knew the man from the graveyard."

"How do we help him doc? How do we get Daniel back?" Colonel O'Neill asked me.

"I'm sorry, Colonel but there's nothing we can do. He'll come back when he's ready."

There is nothing but silence around me. Finally Jack spoke up again.

"And…how long could that take?"

"Sir, he could wake up tomorrow back to normal or it could take months, years…" Sam answers for me.

An hour later I leave for home reminding Jack he can call me at anytime during the night. Sam and Teal'c are staying the night.

**Daniel's POV:**

I follow the man with the greying hair up the stairs while quietly taking in my surroundings. I don't know how I got here but I don't care. I'm just happy to be away from him. I'm worried about Linda, but he's never actually touched her. He would just threaten to do it.

I'm led to a large room that looks lived in. There are books open on a desk. They look old.

"I'm Jack, by the way." The grey-haired man spoke.

I looked at him with wide eyes. I wasn't allowed to call adults by their first names. I just nodded. It was the safest thing at the moment. He seemed to accept my silence.

'_Jack'_ started cleaning up the books and putting a couple of more things away.

"Sorry about the mess. The person who usually stays here is…away at the moment and Sam and Teal'c, you saw them downstairs, are staying the night so I can't give you any other room."

When I saw he was expecting an answer I told him that it was fine. The room he was giving me was more than enough.

"Yes, well there should be pyjamas in the drawers. You can borrow a pair of them. They might look a little big, but I'm sure they'll fit you. Good night and call me if you need anything. My room is the door opposite yours. Just knock first okay?"

"Yes, Sir." I answered.

For some reason _'Jack'_ frowned but left anyway, closing the door on the way out. When I heard the last stair creek and voices down stairs, I breathed a sigh of relief and started looking for the pyjamas. When

I held up a large top I understood _'Jack's'_ last comment. None the less, I did as I was told and tried it on, surprised to find it fit comfortably.

I got into the bed and wished for sleep to come quickly. My wish was granted.

A few hours later I woke up screaming. There were hands on my shoulders shaking me and I tried to fight them off. He was touching me. I didn't want anyone touching me.

"…calm down….listen….Daniel…Daniel…DANIEL!!"

The final call of my name got through my sleep induced fog. I stopped fighting when I recognized the voice beside me. It was Jack. Jack was safe apparently. I was safer here than the president is in the white house. My dreams couldn't get me here.

"Daniel, it was just a dream. You're all right now." Jack was rubbing my back soothingly.

My breathing slows down finally and I soak up the comfort Jack is giving me.

"Glasses?" I choke out, my voice raw from screaming I imagine.

"Here."

He hands them to me and I put them on. At least the room is no longer a blur any more. Unfortunately with the normal breathing rate and the new clarity I become more aware of myself and the predicament I've gotten myself into.

"There, now. Are you okay?"

I gulp audibly, certain I'm in for it now. No matter how nice Jack has seemed up until now this is sure to push him over his limits.

"Daniel, what is it? Are you still scared?"

I don't respond. I'm too mortified, I'm too terrified.

"Daniel, please talk to me. Come on lets get you out of bed and we'll talk downstairs. Sometimes it helps to get out of the room after a nightmare"

I don't budge.

**Jack's POV:**

I jump out of bed when I hear screaming. I'm out of my room and banging into Carter and Teal'c in zero seconds flat. I open Daniel's door and we go in. When we see he's having a nightmare I ask the others to leave, promising I'll deal with it. They leave and shut the door behind them. Then I go over to Daniels bed and try to wake him up. The reaction is violent to say the least. I'm going to have a bruise tomorrow that's for sure.

"Daniel, I need you to wake up. Come on, Daniel, calm down. Please, Daniel, listen to me. Daniel, Daniel…"

Eventually I just shout his name and he wakes up. He's groggy at first but then I feel him relax a little. I'm rubbing circles on his back soothing him the way I did Charlie after he'd have a nightmare.

"Daniel, it was just a dream. You're all right now." I tell him.

"Glasses?" Daniel whispers.

I reach over to the bed side table and grab his glasses to give to him.

"Here." To my surprise though, after he put on his glasses, Daniel froze up again. I had thought that being able to see his surroundings would help calm him down further.

"Daniel, what is it? Are you still scared?" I ask him.

He won't answer me though.

"Daniel, please talk to me! Come on lets get you out of bed and we'll talk downstairs. Sometimes it helps to get out of the room after a nightmare".

However, Daniel just looks down at his bed sheet.

"Daniel, please I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"Don't be mad…please don't be mad…" Daniel pleads.

'_Jesus what the hell is going on?'_ I think.

"Daniel, no matter what it is I promise I won't get mad at you. Now please tell me what's wrong." I'm pleading myself I realized.

"What was that?" I ask. Daniel had muttered something but I hadn't heard.

"Sir…"

"Jack, call me Jack." I remind him.

Hopefully it'll make him more comfortable around me.

"…Jack…I m-messed…I mean…" another gulp.

God, Daniel really is terrified.

"I messed…" Suddenly it dawns on me. Charlie would act the same way.

"It's okay. Daniel, it's okay. I understand. Come on…" I say. I stand up and get a fresh pair of pajamas out of the bottom drawer.

"Go on into the bathroom and take a quick shower. Take these with you. I'll wait downstairs for you. Please come down when you're done." I leave the fresh pajamas on the desk and turn to leave when I realize one more thing.

"Oh…I just want to make one thing clear to you…" I see him pale. Jesus what did Daniel go through in foster care?

"…you are NOT, I repeat NOT in trouble for this. Okay?" I wait and am rewarded with a nod.

"Good. Now go shower. I'll see you in a few minuets."

I leave and close the door behind me.

Just as I get to the first step two doors opened, Sam and Teal'c rushing at me.

"Is he alright, Sir?" asks Sam.

"No, but he will be. That was one hell of a nightmare. Listen, would you and Teal'c mind if I asked you to go back to bed? I think he's embarrassed enough with me knowing. I don't know how he'd react to you too." I don't mention that he had wet the bed. Daniel would never forgive me.

"I believe you are right, O'Neill. Major Carter and I will only complicate matters. We will leave this up to you."

"Thank-you, Teal'c." I say.

I look at Sam and am pleased to see she is agreeing with Teal'c.

"Goodnight then, Sir."

"Goodnight, Sam. Goodnight, Teal'c"

Teal'c just inclined his head and both headed back into their rooms.

I head down stairs and put the kettle on and ready two cups. When I hear the shower turn on I'm up the stairs like a shot. I've stripped the bed and put new covers on it in record timing. Then I leave the room, soiled bedclothes in hand. To my disappointment though, Sam leaves her bedroom again. I'm caught red handed.

"Not a word!" I hiss.

I can see surprise and then understanding cross her face and then she nods once and heads to the down stairs bathroom. I know she'll never mention it again.

I put the soiled clothes into the washing machine and turn it on. They'll be good as new by tomorrow. I've poured two cups of tea when Daniel enters the kitchen. He's doesn't act like I expect though. I had thought he'd be quite and shy, perhaps still a little fearful. Instead, he's scared and worried. But not about the bed.

"What's happened to me?" he all but demands of me.

"Danny…" I start.

"Don't! Just don't call me that. Now, what's happened to me?"

"Okay. I'm sorry, Daniel. Now what do you mean?"

"What happened to me? I'm . . . old!"

I nearly laugh at that. I would have too if the situation wasn't so serious.

"Daniel, I think you should sit down. This is complicated." He scowls at me for a minute but then sits.

"Okay…" I try to start but my words are failing me. How do I explain this to him? I need to back up.

"Hold on a sec…" I race up the stairs and knock on Carter's and Teal'c's door. Quickly explaining to them that Daniel's asking questions I couldn't answer alone. We all race downstairs and Daniel is nearly blown away at the force we enter the kitchen.

"Listen, Daniel, I need Sam and Teal'c here to explain this to you cause, I'm pretty much as lost as you are so…" I wave an arm indicating to Carter that she should take over.

"Okay…Daniel how much have you figured out?" She asks him.

"I'm not me. I'm well, I'm an older me. You all seem to know me pretty well so I'm thinking maybe I knew you too." Sam's nodding to show him he's on the right track.

"Okay, anything else?"

"Not really. I mean the only thing I can think of to explain this is a coma, but then how would I know you?"

"Well, you're on the right track anyway. Daniel, you do know us. In fact you've known us all for several years. We all work together, but more importantly, we're friends. We're very close."

"What about that other man? The guy who was here last night? Eh…earlier tonight I mean."

"That was Dr. McNally." I tell him. "He's your…your therapist."

Daniel's cheeks color slightly.

"Okay, why would I need a therapist?"

I look at Sam and hope she'll take this one. She does.

"Daniel, you've been going through a rough time recently. You've only been seeing Dr. McNally for about a month though."

"Has that got anything to do with why I'm like this?"

We all look at each other.

"They are connected you could say, DanielJackson." replies Teal'c.

"So are you going to finish telling me what's going on?" Daniel asks.

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**A/N: Cliff-hanger or not? Ha ha. Once again sorry for leaving the story for so long. I really had got writers block. But now I'm back a rearing to go. Please review, I hear it's a great replicator repellent. **


	12. Martin Larkin

**A/N: Heay so what did you think about the last chapter? I'm sorry I'm being so cruel to Daniel, I really can't help it though. Much as I love him he's just so darn easy abuse in FF. I'm a bad, bad girl. *smacks self on the back of the hand*. Ah no really, I'll let up a little for a little while anyway. After all a person can only take so much after all, even fictional people. Besides Danny's already taking his break, even I can't make things worse for a Daniel Jackson who thinks he's 15. **

**Oh and can I just say I'm SHOCKED at all the people at least having a look at this story from so many different countries. It's mind boggling to say the least! Cool. Yes I'm easily amused. **

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, Pre- Slash. Rating may change. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. **

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**Daniels POV:**

I'm confused as fuck as to what is going on. And I don't like that one bit. I run over the last ten minuets in my head.

"What's happened to me?" I all but demanded Jack to answer my question.

"Danny…" He started.

"Don't! Just don't call me that. Now, what's happened to me?" I ask again.

"Okay. I'm sorry, Daniel. Now what do you mean?" Jack is trying to placate me.

"What happened to me? I'm . . . old!"

I'm outraged by the fact I can't see my face when I look in the mirror, just this mask. This _'older'_ mask I might add.

"Daniel, I think you should sit down. This is complicated."

I scowl at him for a minuet but then sit.

"Okay…" Jack tries to start speaking but his words are failing him. "Hold on a sec…"

He races up the stairs and I hear knocks and muffled voices. I'm nearly blown away at the force Sam and Teal'c enter the kitchen.

"Listen, Daniel, I need Sam and Teal'c here to explain this to you cause I'm pretty much as lost as you are so…" He waves an arm indicating to Carter that she should take over.

"Okay…Daniel, how much have you figured out?" She asks me.

"I'm not me. I'm well, I'm an older me. You all seem to know me pretty well so I'm thinking maybe I knew you too." Sam's nodding to show me that I'm on the right track.

"Okay, anything else?" Sam asks.

"Not really. I mean the only thing I can think of to explain this is that I just woke from a coma, but then how would I know you?"

"Well, you're on the right track anyway. Daniel, you do know us. In fact you've known us all for several years. We all work together, but more importantly we're friends. We're very close." Says Sam.

"What about that other man? The guy who was here last night? Eh…earlier tonight I mean." I ask no one in particular.

"That was Dr. McNally." Jack tells me. "He's your…your therapist."

I can feel my cheeks color slightly.

"Okay, why would I need a therapist?" I look at Sam for the answer.

"Daniel, you've been going through a rough time recently. You've only been seeing Dr. McNally for about a month though."

"Has that got anything to do with why I'm like this?"

They all look at each other.

"They are connected you could say, DanielJackson." replies Teal'c.

"So are you going to finish telling me what's going on?" I ask.

There is a lull in the conversation as everyone walks into the living room. The tea was made and everyone sat down with a cup. No coffee aloud at this hour Jack said.

"So??…" I was waiting for explanations.

"Okay, Daniel, this is going to be hard to hear. We need you to try and keep your questions until after we've explained everything." Said Jack.

"Fine. Now can you get on with it. Before I've aged another 35 years or so." Sam and Jack both filched at that.

"Daniel, the reason you look the way you do is because you really _are_ 40 years old. Well 39, but that's besides the point. The point is you haven't aged suddenly over night…" said Sam.

"So I was right? I've been in some sort of coma then?"

"No, Daniel. Something happened today or well yesterday really now, that you couldn't…that you weren't able to handle emotionally. We think that it's been added to by all the stresses you've had recently."

"What are you saying?" I ask her.

"What she's saying, Daniel is that physically you are a 39 year old man and up until yesterday you had the mentality of one too."

That was rather blunt I think. Then the ramifications of what Jack says hits me.

"Regression…?" I ask.

I'm deeply worried. What could have effected me so strongly to do this to me. I'd have thought I was fairly strong considering what I go through at a regular basis at…his house. But then that was really years ago if what they said was true. And well the evidence was pretty much irrefutable. Even my imagination couldn't come up with something like this.

"What was it?" I ask.

"What?" asked Jack.

"What was it that…" I circle my hand, indicating this whole situation.

"Daniel, I don't know if we should…" Sam is awkward, uncertain about answering.

"Sam, obviously what ever it was, was bad. I'm prepared for that. I know it'll likely upset me. But listen, my mind must have put me this way for a reason. Perhaps that reason is I need to deal with whatever it was that made me this way first, before returning to…normal."

I know it makes since. I've always been able to make good logical arguments. But I fear I won't be able to back up what I'm saying. If I regressed once, who's to say that won't happen again? I gulped.

"Well, Sam, that answers one question." Jack said.

Teal'c and I looked at him curious, while Sam asked Jack what he'd meant.

"Well, we'd always wondered if Danny was born smart or if he just grew into it. I guess we just got our answer." Sam rolled her eyes.

I just blinked. Teal'c on the other hand…

"I do not understand, O'Neill. Would one not assume that those with wisdom gain it through experience? Are the people of your world born with such qualities?"

"Teal'c, I think the Colonel was just trying to lighten the atmosphere." Said Sam. Teal'c bowed his head in acceptation.

"Yes, Sam, and in light of me trying to lighten up the situation would you like to remember my earlier request?" Jack asked Sam.

"Yes, Sir, sorry si…I mean, Jack. Sorry, Jack."

"Better." he stated.

"_Excuse me!_ Can we kind 'a get back to me?!" I interrupt.

"Sorry, Daniel!!" Sam exclaimed.

"Look, will you please just tell me what's gotten me this way?"

"Perhaps we should wait and call Dr. McNally in the morning…"

"No! Look you say you were, are my friends…" three nods. "…well then please tell me what happened. I promise I won't wig out or anything. Not tonight any way."

"Daniel, you can't promise that." Sam says patiently.

"Yes, Sam, I can. Look please just do this. The sooner you tell me, the sooner I can get back on the road of recovery." Sam looked over at Jack who nodded.

"Okay. But it isn't pretty." Sam tells me.

I just nodded. There seemed to be a lot of that going around.

"Daniel…" Jack starts and I look over at him, "…do you know a girl called Linda?"

I sucked in a sharp breath. This couldn't be good.

"Yes…"

No one seemed to expect more of an answer because Jack started talking again.

"Daniel, Linda…died a few days ago. Her funeral was yesterday."

I gulped and tried to think of this rationally. She would be 38 or so. She'd experienced life…but It was no use. All I could see in my mind was 14 year old Linda who only yesterday had cleaned him up after a _'chat'_, with…our foster father.

Besides even at 38, that was far to young to die anyway.

"What happened to her??" I asked, fear evident in my voice.

"She…Daniel, she killed herself." Jack said. I paled.

"How…how could she? How could she do that?…" I said out loud.

Then I thought to myself…_'WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE DO THAT WHEN SHE'D ONLY LECTURED ME ON THAT VERY THING A WEEK AGO!'_

"We don't know, Daniel. We're so sorry." Sam is talking again.

"So, that's what did it? That's what made me…regress??" I ask.

"We're not really sure, Daniel…" Sam said, "…It probably is that, but then there was an…argument, at the graveyard. It could have been that too. You were inconsolable after it."

"Yeah, you frightened us all big time buddy." Said Jack.

"Indeed." intoned Teal'c.

"I…okay…okay. So who was the argument with? What happened between us?" I ask.

How much worse could things get after all? Linda was dead. I'd never see her again. Nothing was worse that.

"We don't know, Daniel." Jack told me.

"What do you mean?"

"Daniel…" said Sam, "…We never heard his name and you've never mentioned him before. We didn't even know about Linda until…" I get it.

"What did he look like?" I had an awful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I wasn't going to like what I heard.

"He was a large man. About 6ft 2'. He had white hair and looked like he used to have a lot of muscle…" Teal'c would have continued with his description had I not interrupted him.

I need to know if the man was who I though he was. But I hadn't seen him in his advance age so…

"Was his nose bent at a weird angle? Like a break that didn't heal properly?"

"Indeed, DanielJackson. Also the small finger on his right hand was bending to the left."

"Him, I don't remember that part…Must have happened after well…you know."

"Daniel, do you know the man we're talking about." Sam asked gently.

"Oh, yes. Yes, I do. And I wish I didn't."

"Who was he, Daniel? You never called him anything yesterday?" Asked Sam.

"Nothing that can be said in polite conversation anyway." I mutter. "His name is Martin Larkin. He is…was my foster father. Linda's too." I tell them. I can see by there faces that they are stunned.

"That man was your foster father!!" Jack was not happy. He'd gotten up and started passing.

"Jack? What happened yesterday? Between me and him?"

Jack looked at me and then sat down again. "Dann…iel…" Jack just avoided calling me Danny. Thank-God he didn't, "…we weren't there for the full conversation. All I know is I saw a man who just happened to have twisted your arm around you back."

"That's it?" I ask surprised. I would have thought Martin would do more damage.

"What do you mean, _'that's it?'_, that's MORE than enough. Anyway, he said some stuff, you charged at him. Beat the shit out of him too…"

"WHAT!!" I scream. I couldn't have. Martin will kill me for sure now!

"Daniel! Relax! He can't get you here. Heck he doesn't even know where you're staying. You're safe, remember? Safer than the president." Jack tries to calm me.

"Yeah, safer than the president. Right." I can't believe I did that though.

"What else?"

Sam answered my question this time. "Teal'c pulled you off him and you started shouting some things before you pretty much went catatonic."

I gulp. "What did I say?" I couldn't get it into my head that I wasn't going to see the man again so I needed to figure out the damage I'd done and how much I'd pay for it later.

"You blamed this MartinLarkin for Linda's death and also for _'ruining'_, both your lives." Teal'c said calmly.

I closed my eyes. I hate my life.

**Jack's POV:**

I couldn't believe all this was happening. I don't know how Danny was coping.

"Daniel, can you tells us why you blamed Larkin for Linda's death?" ask Sam.

"I was upset. That's all. I wasn't thinking straight." He was obviously lying.

"Daniel, I know you're sacred…"

"I'm not scared!" He interrupted me.

I continued on as if I hadn't been interrupted.

"…but he honestly can't hurt you any more. You're not in his care, you're an adult now. You can defend yourself, quite competently I might add."

"Then how did he twist my arm?"

"I don't know, Daniel but I'd imagine it was because he'd caught you unawares. I doubt you've seen him in a long time and the shock of that, plus Linda's death probably effected your reaction time. Not to mention you had a mild sedative in your system also." Jack said the last part quite fast.

I knew I should have been angry about the sedative but I just couldn't muster up the energy to care. I yawn.

"It's late, Daniel. Why don't you go back to bed. Why can talk more in the morning." Suggested Sam.

Daniel looked at me with alarmed eyes and I realized what the problem was. Nodding to myself I stood up and looked expectantly at Daniel.

"Carter, you're right. I, for one, am bushed. Come on, Daniel. I'll make sure you find the right room."

It was a lame excuse but everyone just accepted it. They knew there was a reason I was doing this, just not what the reason was. Well maybe Carter…Anyway I started heading up the stairs and without looking back, I heard Daniel follow me.

We enter the room and Daniel just stands there looking frightened.

"Daniel, sit down please. We never did get to have that talk."

Daniel looked around the room for a moment and seeing the fresh bed sheets, and blushed before sitting down on the bed.

"Daniel, it's okay. Accidents happen." I said as I turned a chair around and sat with a leg each side.

"Not to 40 year olds."

"39, and mentally you're 15 at the moment, so it's a bit of a moot point really."

"Even at 15 I shouldn't be doing that!"

"Daniel, did you do it on purpose?" I asked him.

"What!? No! Of course not. Look I'm really sorry. It was an accident. Please, don't punish me!"

It broke my heart to see Daniel like this. What did he go through at Larkin's house?

"Daniel, I'm not gong to punish you. Aside from the fact that I have no right to do such a thing, you have no reason to be punished. You said it yourself, it was an accident. No, what I'm more worried about is the nightmare you had that caused you to…" I pause.

"Piss myself?"

"Daniel, stop it! You really need to let up on yourself. You and I don't have a problem here. You won't be punished for something like this okay?" He just nods.

"Okay then. Now can you tell me what your nightmare was about?" I see him pale.

"I can't, Jack. Please, don't make me…"

"Okay, shh, shh…" I tried to calm him down before things got to far.

"…I won't make you talk if you don't want to. But you should know that I think it would be better if you did. It would help you deal with whatever it is." I pause at his dubious look, but continue on just the same. "...Look, just think about it. You don't even have to tell me. It could be Carter or Teal'c. Or if you want Dr. McNally." Daniel opened his mouth but I cut across him.

"Yes, I know that…you…haven't actually talked to him, but you do trust him. At least, you do when your 40." I say.

"39."

"Huh?"

"I'm 39, you said 40."

"Oh right. Anyway, it's time for bed I think. The bed is clean, new sheets and everything. I made sure it was dry earlier." I ignored the blush on Daniels cheeks. "Good night, Daniel. I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night, Jack." he called out after me.

**Daniels's POV:**

When I woke up thankfully, it was to dry sheets. Last night was just a fluke I thought. I heard talking down stairs so I went into the bathroom for the necessities before going downstairs to face the others.

They seemed like genuinely nice people. I must have gotten lucky when I grew up. That's another thing that's bothering me. Apparently I've regressed in mental age but why in the world would I go back to when I was 15? Why not 5 or something. To a time my parents were still alive and I was happy. I pushed that thought to the back of my brain as I walked into the kitchen. There was breakfast waiting on the table. Jack must have heard me coming down the stairs.

"Good morning sleepy-head!" Jack called cheerfully. He and Sam were sitting at the table drinking coffee.

"Go get your breakfast while it's still warm."

I did as I was told and sat down on the ground in the kitchen. A few minuets later I looked up to see Jack's silhouette looming over me. I tried my hardest not to flinch.

"Daniel, what are you doing?"

"I'm eating breakfast, Sir."

"It's Jack. Why are you eating breakfast on the floor?"

"Erm…" I didn't have an answer for that. Martin had always made him do this. It was force of habit these days. _Toys_ weren't real so they didn't have to sit at the table for real people. I heard Jack sigh.

"Come over to the table, Daniel and sit down please."

I just stood up and followed Jack to the table, sitting to the right of Sam, in front of Jack. We eat in silence. I can feel the tension in the air. They want to ask me questions but they don't want to push either. God, I want to be normal again. I want Linda.

Later that day I'm sitting on the bed in my room reading one of my books. It's weird to say the least. My hand writing is all over these books. (the newer ones of course. The books I can go out again and by in any book shop.) It is weird though, reading notes I've obviously made but some are in languages that

I don't know. Not yet anyway.

"Daniel! Come down stairs for a minuet." Jack shouts up the stairs.

I get off the bed and go down stairs and see a youngish man standing there. When he turns to face me I recognize him almost immediately. This was Dr. McNally that Jack and Sam had mentioned.

"Hello, Sir." I say politely. He raises an eyebrow but says nothing.

"Let's sit down. I'll bring in some coffee." Jack gets up and leaves me alone in the living room with just Dr. McNally. I don't know where Sam or Teal'c are.

"Daniel, how are you today?"

"I'm well, Sir, thank-you for asking. And you, Sir?"

"Daniel, I think we can dispense with the formalities don't you! Please, call me Ben. And I'm fine thank-you."

"Okay…Ben."

"Good. Now I understand that Sam, Jack and Teal'c have explained the situation the best they could to you. Do you have any questions?"

Plenty. I think. "How do I get…normal again? When will I be normal again?"

"Well, Daniel, that's not easy to say. You see we don't know. These things tend to effect people differently. It could be today, it could be tomorrow, it could be never."

I feel myself pale at the thought. I don't want to be 15 years old in this body. I don't know these people, how they act. I don't know my role in any of this. I can't handle all this. At this moment in time I'm only 15 and 15 year olds should not have to worry about this type of thing. Well they shouldn't have to worry about…

"Daniel, don't look so alarmed. That's the worst case scenario and rarely happens. Most people come back to themselves soon enough. You'll be okay."

I calm down a little. Thankful for the distraction my thoughts had been heading in. "How will I _'come back to myself'_ then?" I ask him.

"That's what I'm here for!" He says over confidently.

I can tell I'm not going to like this. Jack seems to be taking a suspiciously long time in the kitchen. The coffee should be ready by now.

"Daniel…" he says seriously, "…you were having some problems before all this started and I'd like to think that you trusted me. In fact, I'm certain of it. So can you trust me now to do what's in your best interest?" I think for a moment before slowly nodding my head in consent. It's good enough for him.

"Okay then. Well, let me tell you what's going to be happening over the next while…"

Jack walks in with the coffee on a tray handing a cup to each of us. It takes a lot of self control not to go sit on the floor in a corner away from everyone else, but Jack doesn't seem to like that, so I stay put.

**Jack's POV:**

I could see Daniel was slightly nervous drinking the coffee with us, but immensely proud of him when he didn't move an inch. I had figured out enough this morning when Daniel had sat down on the floor away from us. Neither Carter or I had spoken a word because we were afraid if we did we wouldn't be able to keep our anger in check. If I ever see this Larkin guy again, so help me God, I'll kill him. And

I'd put money on it that there'd be a cue from here to the mountain if this ever got out.

We got straight down to business, explaining to Daniel how his treatment would be worked out. He seemed to understand all we were saying, at the very least the reasons behind it. I need to keep reminding myself though that, while it is my Danny sitting in front of me, it is also a 15 year old mind we're dealing with.

Dr. McNally was going to have sessions with Danny everyday, for now anyway. Yep, we were back to that. Unfortunately had this not happened, Daniel's sessions we're going to be bumped up again anyway after his reaction to Linda's death. I can't blame him, but I want him safe too so…His suicide watch was going to be extended for another month also. I'd like to think there was no need for that now, under the circumstances but then I remembered that Daniel had told me he'd started cutting when he was 14 or so. Well, if mentally he's 15 that means he's already started so I have to watch out for that to.

Don't get me wrong even if it wasn't for all that I'd still have taken Danny in like a light. Heck I practically consider this our house, considering he spends more time here than his apartment anyway. And that was before the start of all this. It's hard to believe all this started just over a month ago. It had seemed like years had past in that time. I feel like I'm getting old. Sure at least half my grey hairs are from Danny anyway.

I jolt back to attention when I notice the room is quite. Dr. McNally is sitting there with an expectant look on his face and Daniel is studying his cup. I think I've missed something important.

"Eh…" Just for the record I am quite ashamed of myself, not that anyone would ever believe me anyway but hey, it's worth a try.

"I was assuring Daniel that you'd be happy to join him in his sessions if he would feel more comfortable with you there." The doc is giving me a look that's saying _'agree or I'll tell Janet and you know what she does with her large needles when pissed off'_. I gulp.

"O-of course, Daniel! I wouldn't be anywhere else. What ever you need. Just ask..." I wonder if I'm laying it on a bit thick? So I shut up. The doc rolls his eyes. I though as a psych he couldn't pass judgment!!

"Daniel, that's all for today unless there's something else you want to talk about?" Dr. McNally asks.

There's not.

"Okay then. I'll see you tomorrow then, Daniel. My number is in your room somewhere if you want to call me about anything. If you can't find it just ask Jack. He has the number also."

"Yes, Ben." He agrees. I raise an eyebrow at that. I walk Dr. McNally to the door and when out of hearing range I ask him,

"Ben??" He blushes for a moment then meets my eyes.

"What of it?"

"Nothing, nothing. I was just curious."

He nods and is about to leave.

"Can I call you Benji, too?"

His hand freezes on the handle and his shoulders tense up.

"Call me, Benji and I'll tell Hammond you're not fit for duty." I saw the promise in his eyes and make my own promise. When he leaves I can't help but laugh. Ben McNally. Benjamin McNally. I suppose it fits. But still it's funny. Ah laugh a minuet, I am. I smile to myself before going back into the kitchen to start dinner. Daniel has already gone back upstairs. I'll call him when dinner is ready.

Teal'c had left early this morning having recruits to teach and Carter had been called in over some science doo-hickey that I'll never understand so it was just the two of us in the house.

**Daniel's POV:**

I heard laughing downstairs but stayed where I was. I was scared. Dr. McNally…Ben had explained to me what was going to happen but I couldn't help but worry. Would I remember any of this if I ever did get my memories back? I suppose what I was most worried about though, was the thought of losing myself. Right now at this moment this is who I am. Not some 39 year old guy. So why should I change that and perhaps lose who _he_ was in the process?! It was all so confusing.

"Daniel! Dinner's ready. Get down here!"

I got up when Jack shouted, again, up the stairs. I was beginning to dislike that. I went down and carefully sat at thee table. When Jack put a large plate of lasagne in front of me I realized how hungry I really was though and started to devour the lot. When Jack coughs significantly I remember my manners and start to eat at a more sedate pace.

"Daniel, what did you think of…Ben?"

There is a slight amount of humour in his tone and I'm hurt that he obviously thinks the counselling is something to laugh at. None the less I ignore the tone and answer as patiently as I can.

"He seems…nice." I can't think what else to say, but that seems good enough for Jack.

"Look, Daniel, I just want you to know that I am here for you. And I'd be happy to join you in your sessions if you'd like me there."

I look at him surprised by this announcement.

"Just think about it. I can be serious . . . sometimes." He winks at me and then gets up to clear his plate. I have a lot to think of tonight.

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**A/N: Well let me know what you think. Am I being to cruel? To kind( well I don't think there's any chance of that) Or to boring? People thanks to my end in writers block I now have the end of our story! Hurray!! Bye. **

**Re-edited April 4th**** 2009. Thank-you for all reviews. **


	13. Post

**A/N: Heay. Well thanks for the reviews. I appreciated them. Hope you're enjoying the story so far guys(to those who read but don't review. 'shame on you', ha ha).Well let me know if you like this chapter anyway. Bye.**

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, Pre- Slash. Rating may change. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. **

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**Daniel's POV: **

I sit up in the bed, stifling a scream with the quilt. I'd had another nightmare and it had scared the crap outta me. When I've calmed down a little, I'm disgusted to realize I've gone and done it again. I've messed my bed once more.

'_This can't be happening'_, I think to myself. I get up out of the bed and wince at the feeling of cold, hard pyjamas rubbing my skin.

I undress the bed quickly and leave the clothes in a corner while I go shower and put fresh clothes on. I don't hear any noise down stairs when I'm done so quickly, quietly I make my way down and into the utility room where the washing machine is. I'm pulling the clean clothes out when Jack comes into the room. He stops in the door and I know he realizes what's going on. I freeze expecting punishment. He was kind enough to look past this once before, he won't do it a second time.

"Daniel…" Here it comes, I think. "…I'm sorry for not being here when you woke up. I was next door with Mrs. Peterson. Her basement has flooded, she needed help turning the water off. When you're done here why don't you come back into the kitchen and I'll make us breakfast."

What?!

Jack turns and heads back into the kitchen and I can't believe what I'm hearing. Fast as lightning, I've the clean clothes out and into the drier and my soiled bed sheets into the machine. Why didn't Jack say anything? I'm so confused by all of this. I don't know my place, or how to act. It's like learning the ropes of a new foster home all over again. I go into the kitchen and Jack has coffee percolating and sausages in the pan.

"Put some toast on please, Daniel." He asks. I rush to do so, finding the bread quickly and making sure the heat setting isn't too high on the toaster. When I sit at the table Jack puts a cup of coffee in front of me and a breakfast plate. When the toast is done he adds that to my plate and I eat heartily. I want to ask why he isn't eating but I've pushed my luck to far over the last few days. Been far too cheeky, even if they are my 39 year old bodies friends. God, this is confusing to think about.

"What are you going to do today, Daniel?" Jack asks me sitting down at the table with his own mug of coffee.

"Erm…I hadn't really thought about it." I tell him. If I'd been with Martin I'd have had a long list of things to do. Linda and I both. But now I just didn't know what Jack wanted of me.

"Right. Well, Dr. McNally says he'll be here around 16:00, so if you want you can just veg out today. Or you could help me clean up Mrs. Petersons. She's 78 years old and lives on her own. The basement flooding is going to cause a lot of problems for her."

I quickly agree to that and put my empty plate into the dishwasher before dashing up the stairs to wash up first.

**Jack's POV: **

'_Yuck!'_, I had just changed my clothes, having come from old Mrs. Petersons house across the way. Her boiler had broken and now her whole basement was flooded. I'd turned off the water for her this morning telling her I'd be back a little later to help with the rest.

I was looking all around for Daniel and when I went into the kitchen I heard the washing machine open. When I saw Daniel though, trying to get the clean things into to the dryer quickly, I was surprised. But when I realized just why that was I felt like sighing. We were going to have to talk about this. Whether Daniel liked it or not. It couldn't go on. Not right now though. The poor guy was obviously under enough stress as it was so I called out to him.

"Daniel, I'm sorry for not being here when you woke up. I was next door with Mrs. Peterson. Her basement has flooded, she needed help turning the water off. When you're done here why don't you come back into the kitchen and I'll make us breakfast." I left the utility room then.

Poor Daniel. He'd swallow a fly if he left his mouth open like that.

When Daniel came into the kitchen I could clearly sense his nervousness. So I told him to go make some toast and when he sat down I put his breakfast down in front of him with a cup of coffee.

"What are you going to do today, Daniel?" I ask him, sitting down at the table with my own mug of coffee.

"Erm…I hadn't really thought about it." He says.

"Right. Well, Dr. McNally says he'll be here around 16:00 so If you want you can just veg out today. Or you could help me clean up Mrs. Petersons. She's 78 years old and lives on her own. The basement flooding is going to cause a lot of problems for her." I tell him.

I figure he'll need the distraction so I see no harm in bringing him. Plus I don't want to leave him alone at the moment anyway.

He shoots up the stairs and I'm reminded again, quite forcibly, that there's a 15 year old living in Daniel's body.

"Okay, Daniel…" I say as we're walking out the door. "…I know you know this but I'll remind you again. Say nothing about your _'regression'_ to Mrs. Peterson. We want to avoid any awkward questions. It's just easier to do that this way. Can you do that?"

"Yes, Jack. I'm sure I can."

"Good. Right, she said go around to the back door when we got here so come on. I'll introduce you to her since I didn't tell her I was bringing you." We walk around the back and I knock on the door.

Mrs. Peterson is a small woman with a big personality. Her short hair is grey and her clothes are well worn. But still she holds herself with as mush pride as a queen and is as stubborn as a mule.

"Colonel! I was wondering when you'd be here. Thank-you again for this morning. Who's this?" She asks scanning Daniel.

"Good Afternoon, Mrs. Peterson. This is Dr. Daniel Jackson. He's staying with me for a while and offered to help me with this. If that's okay with you, ma'am?"

"Hmm, Dr. Daniel Jackson is it." She looks straight into Daniels eyes and he takes a step towards me. Poor guy. He never stood a chance with Mrs. Peterson.

"Yes, Ma'am, that's right."

"Seems very skittish to me…" She says looking at me now. "…you sure he's up to this?" I'm about to answer when he cuts over me.

"I can assure you, Ma'am that while I might seem skittish, I am more than useful with a wrench so if you could show us to your basement I'd be happy to help." He walks past Mrs. Peterson with a self assurance I hadn't seen in Daniel since before this whole mess started. It's a good thing that Mrs. Peterson likes self assured men otherwise she probably would have thrown him out. Instead she lead him and myself down to her basement and we got to work.

When she left I turned to Daniel and looked at him.

"Want to tell me what that was all about, Daniel?" I ask him. He shrugs.

"Daniel?"

"I was just trying to act like, Daniel, the grown up Daniel I mean." That makes since I suppose so I nod to him.

"Right, so better get to work. Grab that hose over there!" I tell him. Two hours later we've the basement water free and are starting on the clean-up effort.

"Colonel! Dr. Jackson! I've lunch made for you." Mrs. Peterson shouts down to us. Hungry we head up and eat our meal. Time to get back to work afterwards.

**Dr. McNally's POV: **

At 16:05 I knock on Colonel O'Neill's door and wait to be let inside. I'm let in and led into the living room again. Daniel is already sitting there this time, looking quite uncomfortable.

"How are you today, Daniel?" I ask.

Jack has gone into the kitchen to get us some drinks.

"I'm okay, Ben." he says timidly.

"Thanks good." I say. When Jack comes in he sits down and I begin.

"Now, Daniel, do you want Jack with you today for your session?"

"If he doesn't mind…"

"Daniel, I've told you, I'm here for you. Sessions and all." Jack says. It's good to know Daniel has his support.

"Daniel, how are you finding things? It must be strange to see someone else's body looking back at you from the mirror?" I ask.

"Yeah…it's like I'm not me. Well, I'm not me am I? I'm somebody else. So when I do become the real…me again, I won't be me anymore right?" I have to run the sentence over in my head a few times before I answer it. Jack is still blinking rapidly to my right.

"…Daniel, this is you whether your 15 or 39. The only difference is you've more experience behind you. Who we are as children, or teenagers, shapes who we are as adults. You'll still be you no matter what. Okay?"

"I suppose…"

He doesn't sound convinced. I'm not surprised. It'll have to be said a few time before he started to believe it.

"I understand you went out with Jack today. How did you find that?"

"It was…weird…" he says.

"Weird in what way, Daniel?"

"Weird as in it wasn't like I was there. It was like…like I was watching it all happening from somewhere else. I could see what was going on but it wasn't really me doing any of it."

"Right…and do you have any idea why that might be?"

"Not really. I thought it was just 'cause I was trying to be the older Daniel. You know, like acting…"

I think I understand now. We talk for a while about how he's feeling about the whole situation and what he might expect to happen over the next while and before I know it there are only 15 minuets course with no other patients other than Daniel I can stay longer and will if he asks, but, I do think seeing me everyday is more than enough at the moment.

"Daniel, Jack is there anything either off you think we should discuss?"

I see Daniel give Jack a panicked look but I say nothing. Jack on the other hand seems to be sizing up Daniel.

"Doc, can you give us a minuet or two?" he asks me. Now I know something is up.

"Certainly." I leave and head into the kitchen. Jack won't mind if I make myself another cup of tea.

**Jack's POV: **

I look at Daniel expecting some sort of passionate plea but instead he just sits there looking defeated.

"Daniel…" I wait 'till he looks at me, "…Daniel, I'm not going to say anything to Dr. McNally. If we call him in here now and say everything's all right, he'll accept that and won't push. Understand."

"Yes…"

"However, I do believe you should tell him." I put extra emphasis on the _'you'_. His head flips up to look at me and I worry he's given himself whiplash.

"B-b-but…w-why does he h-h-have to know at all? P-p-p-lease J-jack, w-why?" I sigh.

"Simple, Daniel, there's obviously something going on that's making you react like this. I want to find out what. Daniel, please I just want to help you, help make you well again."

"Please don't make me…" he all but whispers.

"It's your decision, Daniel." I tell him and call Dr. McNally back in. To my disappointment, Daniel doesn't say anything and neither do I, keeping true to my word. That's more important at this point. If he thinks he has no one to trust, all of this will go to waste.

That night, when Dr. McNally leaves we order in Pizza and I drink bear while Daniel has coke. Though his argument for the bear was pretty convincing, no dice. If he was that desperate to have it then he defiantly wasn't old enough, 39 year old body or not.

**Daniel's POV: **

"Last night was fun. When I went to bed I was exhausted and feel asleep quickly. Unfortunately I dreamt again. Martin Larkin was once more the star. When I woke up I felt my hand whack something quite solid and that was enough to wake me up fully. Turns out Jack had come into me during the night to wake me up and I'd smacked him one. He wasn't angry though. Just commented on fast reflexes.

He tried to get me to tell him about the dream but I wouldn't budge. It was to disturbing to voice. After I'd calmed down some Jack got up to leave, but I called him back.

"Jack?" He turned to face me, surprise on his face.

"Yeah? What's up?" he asks.

"…" I say nothing for a moment.

"Daniel?" He sits down again and inspects me. I look down at my quilt and talk quietly.

"I'll tell Dr. McNally. Tomorrow…eh, today I mean. In our session. I'll tell him."

"Good, Danny, that's good. You need to talk about these dreams…" I freeze at the name and his misunderstanding.

"Not the dream. I won't talk about the dream…" I trail off.

"Then what, Daniel?" He asks me.

I gulp, "…I'll tell him…what you wanted me to tell him today."

"Oh. What changed your min…" Jack started to ask, but stopped as he realized.

"…alright then. Today it is. Go on. Go shower. I'll take care off this. He shoos me outta the room with clean cloths, and starts to work on the bed. I'm out of there so fast I didn't even have time to be embarrassed. But that was Jack for you.

Dr. McNally is here at 14:00 this time. Once again Jack brings us coffee and we sit down to drink it.

"So, Daniel how are you feeling today?" he asks me. I'm quite as ever today. Worried really.

"M'good." I mumble.

"Daniel, you probably won't remember this but you and I have an agreement. My one rule is honesty. If you don't want to talk about something, then don't. But tell me that. Now, want to try answering my question again?"

It was phrased as a question, but you could here the underlining order in it.

"I don't want to say how I'm feeling 'cause then you'll ask me about it."

"Okay, fair enough. But, Daniel, that's my job. Surprisingly enough I'm not a mind reader and I need you to tell me these things so that I can help you." I look to Jack for strength.

"I'm scared, worried mainly. There's something I don't want to talk about, but I know I should."

"Okay and why do you think you shouldn't talk about it?"

"Because I know that it'll lead to questions about something else I want to talk about even less!" I say to him.

"Fair enough. Is that what your afraid off? The questions? The talking?"

"Um...yes…no…I don't know."

"Well lets talk about something a little easier. Why have you brought this up today?"

"You just told me I had to tell the truth!"

"No, I said you had to be honest but if you didn't want to talk, you just had to say no. You started answering. Now, what was it that caused to…believe you should talk about this today?"

"…" I'm silent.

"Okay, look this is getting a little confusing so do you mind if I start putting a name to some things?"

I shrug not knowing exactly what he means.

"Right, so can we say the thing you don't want to talk about but think you should is called eh…lets see…_'Mike'_, and the thing you want to avoid talking about at all costs is called…_'Joe'_. How does that grab you?" He asks me. Honestly I don't care, but it does save me some time explaining things…

"Fine whatever…" I say.

"Alright then, Daniel, tell me why you thought you should talk about _'Mike'_ today."

Defiantly less explanation time I think to myself.

"Because it's something that I want to stop and Jack thinks…"

"Aht! This isn't about what Jack thinks. It's about what you think." He says.

I'm annoyed with the interruption. "…it's something I think I need to find the cause of." I finish.

"Okay then. I'll assume that this is what you and Jack ware talking about yesterday. Am I right?"

I nod in affirmation.

"Then why today and not yesterday?" he asks.

"…I couldn't yesterday. I didn't want to admit it. Thought it was just a one time thing…well maybe not one-time but…anyway. It happened again and I don't want it to happen a fourth time."

"That's a good enough reason as any. You want to tell me what _'Mike'_ is?" I can't though. My throat has closed over. I look over pleadingly at Jack and he gets my message.

"Doc, Daniel's been having . . . accidents. It's happened three nights in a row. Last night convinced him of the problem." Jack's face is expressionless and I appreciate that.

"I see…and, Daniel do you remember, or do you not know what might be causing these accidents?" he asks me.

"That's _'Joe'_", I tell him simply. He nods. We talk more about why I think this is happening, but of course I can't say much about it, what with _'Joe'_ being forbidden territory and all. Ben leaves and I'm sitting on the coach with a hot chocolate in my hands.

"You did good, Daniel." Jack tells me.

"How? I didn't do anything." I say confused.

"You did plenty, Daniel. You told the truth. You trusted us. Dr. McNally and I both. It's not easy to tell a secret. You did good."

I'm disgusted to find my throat closing over and tears in my eyes. To my further embarrassment Jack notices and takes me in his arms to hug me. At first I'm in shock and stiff as a board but, then I calm down and lean into his touch. It feels like his hug is the only thing holding me up, even though I'm still sitting on the coach. I feel tears rolling down my face but I'm not hysterical and I stop crying after a few minuets. I guess I'd just been a little emotional.

Jack didn't seem to mind though and in fact even stayed hugging me until it was time to go to bed again.

**Jack's POV: **

It had been a month since Danny's regression and I didn't look like it was letting up any. He wasn't remembering anything from before the funeral. It lead to confusing discussions to say the least.

His sessions with Dr. McNally continued. Sometimes I was present, other times I was asked to leave. I didn't mind. I just wanted what was best for Danny. We'd been discussion Linda's death in depth. I don't know if it was helping, but I think it might be. Daniel said he didn't know if he had any pictures of her here now and I was reluctant to let him look, just in case he didn't. Better to wait until Daniel came back to himself. That way we'd know for sure.

If he did have a picture of her though I was going to frame it and put it with the pictures of Charlie on my mantelpiece.

I here a van in the driveway and realize it's the mail. I call Daniel down to collect it. When he comes back into the kitchen he's pale but leaves the letters on the counter.

"Hey, Daniel you okay? You don't look so good." I tell him.

"I'm fine, Jack. Just…just an upset stomach I think." He tells me.

"Okay. Why don't you go on up to bed for an hour. I'll bring you up a Sprite, see if that'll do you any good."

He nods and walks up the stairs quietly, which has me worried. Even if at 15, Daniel is quieter, more timed, he doesn't like going to bed during the day. Normally he fights tooth and nail against it.

A few minuets later I walk into to Daniels room with a Sprite. When I see he isn't there I put the drink onto the bedside table and go looking for him. I don't have to go far as I hear him retching in the bathroom. Maybe he really is sick. Should I get the doctor?

"Hey, Daniel, are you all right?" Stupid question I know but…

"Mmn…" was the only reply I got.

"Daniel…Daniel I'm coming in okay…"

"Mmn…" I'll take that as a, yes. I open the bathroom door and there Daniel is on the floor looking completely miserable. He's holding onto the toilet bowl with one arm while the other is grabbing at tissues. He looks pathetic.

"Come on, Daniel…" I flush the bowl and wet a face cloth to clean his face. I can clearly see tear tracks on his red face but chose not to comment, thinking it's just from the vomiting.

"Come on, Daniel…" I say again as I help him to his feet. Carrying most of his weight back into his bedroom. I lay him down on the bed and cover him up. Tucking the sides in tightly, Daniel moans slightly before falling into a fevered sleep. Poor guy. I'd better call Dr. McNally and cancel today's session. There's no way I'm letting him go through that when he's like this.

It was dark out when Daniel woke up. He was very quite and sat on the couch with a cover around him. He hardly ate any dinner. He'd been sick twice more. If he's still like this in the morning I'm going to call the doctor.

Sam came over with Teal'c earlier to see the patient. They'd been staying away recently because they didn't want to smoother Daniel. He needed room to breath. Now though all four of us were watching 'Star Wars' on the T.V. I knew I never should have shown Teal'c those films. But oh well.

Daniel is watching, but with unfocused eyes. I think I'll send him to bed once the film is over. There's no point keeping him up any longer than that.

Sam and Teal'c leave an hour later, saying goodbye and wishing Daniel well. I get Teal'c to help Daniel to his bed. Afterwards, I tuck Daniel in and leave the room to clean up downstairs before retiring to bed myself. It's been a long day.

I'm not surprised when that night I'm woken up to the sound of screaming. Daniel has nightmares nearly every night.

We still haven't gotten a control on his bed wetting. Though, thankfully it doesn't happen every night. I'd say 2 out of three though.

I wake up the screaming Daniel and pull him close to me. He fights me a bit but eventually he calms down enough to accept my comfort.

"Want to talk about it?" I ask the question every night, and every night I'm given the same answer.

"No…" I'm not surprised when Daniel starts squirming uncomfortably.

"Come on, go clean up." He gets out of bed and I see his stained bottoms. He isn't shy about that any more. Just resigned to his fate it seems. I strip the bed and remove the mattress protector I'd added after a week of accidents. When I've finished putting clean sheets on the bed I call Daniel out of thee shower. I don't want him there too long if he's sick.

When he comes out he goes back into his room and sits on the bed head bent down. He looks so small and innocent, certainly not his 39 years at all!

"Daniel, we need to talk about this." I say. "But first, get under the covers. I don't want you making your cold worse." He gets under and looks at me under veiled eyes.

"Daniel, this can't go on. It's been a month, and two out of three nights you wake up wet!" He looks down at his covers and I know he's beating himself up over this.

"Daniel, this isn't your fault, okay! I'm not angry. I'm only saying this 'cause I care about your well-being. These nightmares…Daniel, whatever it is you're seeing in these nightmares is obviously so terrible they're making you lose bladder control. I honestly do think if you tell me or Dr. McNally what's going on in them that the bed wetting will stop." He's not looking at me.

"Please, Daniel…", I implore him, "…trust us. Trust me!" He looks at me then. I get a nod. I felt like jumping for joy at the small victory but obviously don't. Then I realize something that could change all of this.

"Daniel, I think I should ask Dr. McNally to come over now. What do you think?"

"Why?" he asks his voice small.

"Because, Danny, can you honestly tell me you'll be able to sleep tonight waiting for the doc to come at 18:00 tomorrow night?" He frowns for a minuet and I know he knows I'm right. It's better I do this now.

Less than an hour later Dr. McNally is there and I've Daniel bundled on the couch with three blankets, one of which is a heavy quilt. Plus the fire is on. I've just put a large mug of tea in his hands also.

"I got here as fast as I could, Daniel, Jack. What's going on?" He asks.

This time I'm not bailing Daniel out. He needs to be able to speak up for himself. When he sees I'm not going to say anything he starts stuttering and stammering, but eventually we get a story out of him.

**Dr. McNally's POV:**

"I, eh…well you see…eh…" gulp. "…eh, this isn't easy…God…"

"It's alright, Daniel, go slow. Take you time. Don't just jump in. Work your way up to it." He nods.

"Daniel, why don't you tell me why I was called tonight." He seems to understand I'm asking in general and not for details, for the moment anyway.

"It happened again. You know…that thing…"

"The bed wetting…" I say bluntly. He flinches but It's important for him not to be embarrassed by this, and us jumping around the topic will not help him in any way.

"Yeah…that…."

"And…" I ask egging him on.

"I think I should…I mean…WHY IS THIS SO DIFFICULT?" He shouts in frustration. That's good. Since his whole regression he hasn't lost his temper once.

"I don't think I can do this…" he says.

I nod. "I understand. It's very difficult to voice our feelings in words. But can you try? Daniel, you're a very strong young man and nothing you ever say could change our feelings or respect for you. Understand?"

"This will…you'll hate me after this. Jack'll hate me…" I can't believe Daniel thinks this and if I can't believe it, I don't even want to imagine what Jack is thinking of the comment. I don't have to wait long before Jack jumps in with some comments of his own.

"WHAT! Daniel…" he says lowering his voice after seeing Daniel flinch, "…Daniel, I care about you…a lot…how could you even think that? Daniel, there is NOTHING you could ever say or do that would make me hate you. You got that?" He asks

Poor Daniel is obviously lost in his emotions and barely nods in Jack's direction.

"Ah come here, Daniel…" Jack offers his arms and Daniel is wrapped up in Jack's hug seconds later. Jack moved closer to Daniel and now had the covers over the both of them. It looked a little uncomfortable but they'd manage.

We're all quite for a moment while Daniel soaks up the comfort. "My nightmares…" he whispers, "…they're what's cause me to pee myself. I don't do it on purpose. You've got to understand that!"

"Of course we do, Daniel." I say, taking control of the conversation again.

"Was there anything different in your nightmare tonight that convinced you to call me here now?" He nods but says nothing for a while. Jack and I remain silent waiting for Daniel to talk in his own time.

"…Linda was watching tonight…" he whispers so low I'm not sure I've heard it.

"You mean she was watching what happened in the dream?" I ask looking for conformation.

"Yeah…she was watching. She blamed me, for her death…she said it was my fault that she killed herself. She said I didn't protect her well enough…"

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**A/N: Well what do you think? I'm not sure if I'm putting too much emphasis on the whole bed wetting thing but it's a face that 1% of teenagers over 14 still wet the bed, usually due to stress. I think we can all agree Daniel is stressed. If for some reason you or perhaps your child is still wetting the bed these links have some good information on the subject. **

**Alright, for some reason the links won't show up so if you are interested in those links you'll find them on my profile page instead. **

**Anyway please review and let me know what you think. I'm dieing to know. **

**Re-edited on April 5th**** 2009. Thanks for all the reviews. **


	14. Lighter

A/N: Heay, well thanks for the reviews. Yea I know I'm being cruel to Daniel, just bare with me for a bit. Let me know how you're liking the story…

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, Pre- Slash. Rating may change. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. **

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_She blamed me, for her death…she said It was my fault that she killed herself. She said I didn't protect her well enough…"_

**Jack's POV: **

I couldn't believe I was hearing this. Although with Daniel I shouldn't be surprised. He's always finding something to guilt himself with. Sometimes it is his fault but 9 times out of ten it's not. Poor Daniel. Hopefully now that he's said he'll talk to us about these dreams he'll stop feeling guilty. I can only live in hope.

"Daniel, tell me, why do you think she'd say these things?" Dr. McNally asked Daniel.

"I was supposed to protect her. I looked after her. She was a year older than me but, I still looked after her. I had too." Says Daniel. I'm actually quite confused but it seems to make sense to Daniel and that's good enough for me.

"Tell us why Daniel. Tell us why you had to look after Linda." It's not an order, Dr. McNally doesn't give orders but there is some coercion in his voice. Maybe it's what Daniel needs.

"I looked after her cause no one else would." He says. That little confession seems to have taken a lot out of him and I'm reminded of earlier today when he was sick. His tea is cold. I stand up and take his cup. I about half way through the door when he's calling out for me.

"Jack?"

"I'll be back in a minuet Daniel, just making some more tea…" I explain. He seems to settle down after that. But he won't answer any more questions for the doc after that. I'm beginning to wonder if it's such a good idea for me to be here in these sessions. Daniel seems to be depending on me a lot, and when he gets back to normal he isn't going to appreciate the fact I've heard some of his most closely guarded secrets.

When I walk back into the room with three cups of tea, I give Daniel his and then take another blanket and wrap him up in that one as well.

"Thanks Jack…" he says.

"I think I know why she blamed me in the dream…" whispers Daniel. It kinda comes out of no where and I'm blown away but we both go with the flow anyway.

"Why Daniel? Why do you think she blames you?" Asks Dr. McNally. Daniel's hands creep out of his blanketed confines and holds out a piece of paper I hadn't seen earlier. Dr. McNally takes it and I see him pale. He hands it to me and it's all I can do not to vomit. I think I know why Daniel was earlier anyway. It was an A4 sheet of paper, folded over. Each letter cut from a magazine. It said…

DaNnY

YoU cOuLDn't ProTEcT HEr ThiS tIME!

YOU'RE Next!

That was it. Nothing else. I checked back, and front, and the envelope itself. There was nothing other than our address and the glued words.

"Daniel, you can't possible believe this. This is just some whack job trying to mess with your head, and when I find them God help them is all I can say. Who the HELL are they Any way??" I ask. I mean who the hell are they in the first place?

"It's from Martin…" Daniel mumbles and I stop mid-tirade. Martin…Martin…MARTIN LARKIN!! The bastard who'd fostered Danny when he was a boy. The excuse for a man who had man-handled Daniel at the funeral! What the hell was he doing sending Daniel shit like this!

"Daniel, are you certain it's from Martin?" asked Dr. McNally. Daniel nodded his head and snuggled into my side. This just wasn't happening.

"Martin, he used to…it was my job…I had to protect her. That was my job. If I didn't go along with Martin he would have hurt her too!" , said Daniel.

"Hurt her too?" questioned the doc.

"yea…I mean, like he'd sometimes do…eh…stuff to me but as long as I went along with it he never hurt Linda."

"What type of…stuff…would Martin do to you Daniel?" Dr. McNally asked and I tightened my grip on Daniel.

"…"

"Daniel, please. This is why you called me here tonight is it not?"

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**Daniels POV: **

How could I tell him? How could I tell Jack? I didn't want anyone to know my treatment at Martins. Linda was the only one who ever new. It was my secret but I needed help. Jack was right. I had to talk about this.

"He'd hit me…push me around…sometimes he'd…he'd…please don't make me say it. I can't say it!" I can feel tears stinging my eyes but they don't fall. I burry in even closer to Jack, hiding my face from view. I didn't want them to see me. I didn't want to see them, there reactions to my confession.

"Please Daniel, you're doing so well. Please try and continue." pleaded Dr. McNally.

"Come on Daniel. You can do this." Jack whispered into my hair and I shivered.

"He'd touch me."

"Touch you where?" asked Dr. McNally.

"Everywhere…" I gulp, "…my-my penis. He'd make me touch him too…I had to do things to him. I didn't want to. Please you've got to believe me! I didn't want to do it!"

"Shh…" Jack is trying to calm me.

"It's okay Daniel of course we know you didn't want to. That's not in question. Did he make you do anything else? Did he…did he rape you?"

I shake my head. "No…he never did that. He was too afraid I think to do that. But I'd have to suck him. I hated the taste, I always felt like gagging. I had to do it though. He told me If I didn't, he'd do it to Linda instead. I couldn't let her go through that as well.

We continued to talk about it for well over an hour until Dr. McNally had been present for a good 2 and a half hours.

"Ben, you're welcome to stay if you like. It's late and the couch isn't very comfortable but…"

"No no Colonel, It's alright thank-you. Daniel we did tremendous work this morning. You should be proud of yourself." Said the doc before taking his leave. I was sitting on the couch, all talked out. It was late, I was tired, and now I had to face Jacks reaction.

Jack walked Dr. McNally out and when he came back into the sitting room he sat down beside me again pulling me into his arms. It was comfortable there.

"Why didn't you tell me before?" He whispered.

"I don't know…I was ashamed I guess…" I tell him.

"And are you still ashamed?" asks Jack.

"…"

"Please be honest with me Daniel…"

"…yea, I suppose I am…" we're still whispering, neither one of us wanting to break the hush that has descended on the room.

"So did tonight's session help at all?"

"Actually, yes, it did."

"That's good…"

"Hmm…"

"Heay are you falling asleep on me?" Jack asks.

"Mmm hmm…"

"Alright then." Jacks sighs and I close my eyes to the rest of the world.

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**Jack's POV: **

I woke up with a creek in my neck. I was stiff all over. It was still dark outside. My clock told me it was after 3am. Daniel was lying half across my lap, half on the floor. That defiantly could not have been comfortable. My neck twinges in sympathy. I don't want to wake Daniel but nature was calling quite forcibly.

"Daniel…Daniel wake up…" I say giving his shoulder a little nudge.

"Mmm…sleeping…" Daniel moaned.

"Daniel wake up! I have to go to the bathroom." I say. Daniel didn't say anything more but he rolled off me anyway. Unfortunately, he rolled the wrong and landed on the floor but, I didn't have enough time to check on him as I needed to move quickly lest I wash the floor. When I came back into the living room I saw Daniel sitting up on the floor looking dazed.

"Come on Danny up off the floor with ya!" Daniel looked at me with lost eyes. There was something different in them though. These weren't the same eyes I had looked at for the last few weeks, no these were older, deeper…

"Danny?…"

"Jack? W-what…where?" his eyes are looking around the room rapidly not quite sure what they were seeing. I kneel down beside Daniel, I'm tempted to touch him…to take him in my arms but I'm terribly conscious of the fact Daniel is still uncertain of everything.

"Daniel do you know where you are?" I ask him. His eyes flit around them room one more time before he tentatively answers my question.

"…your house…the living room…Jack, what's going on?"

"What's the last thing you remember Daniel?" I ask.

"T-the f-funeral…Linda…M-martin…" Daniel is still very twitchy but he starts to gather himself, pulling himself up onto the couch.

I sit up onto the couch also waiting to see if Daniel remembers anything else. I don't have to wait long as soon I see the remembrance in his eyes.

"Oh My God!!!" Daniel pants out. I'm not sure if the reddish colour on his face is due to embarrassment or anger or all of the above. It's not good though.

"Jack…He killed her! He killed her!" Daniel raised his hands up over his mouth clasping them holding in his gasp. I wished I could help him get through this but I had no words. No words of use. I would have liked to hold Daniel but it was still the wrong time. Daniel needed to come to me, I couldn't force this on him. Not after he's had so much forced on him already.

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**Daniel's POV:-**

I sat on Jack's couch shaking my head. I could hardly believe all that was going on. All that had happened. Linda was dead. I had fought Martin. I had regressed and lost my mind. How could it all had happened?

"Why hadn't I protected her? Jack?" I looked over at the man beside me and felt my heart breaking. How was one man supposed to bare so much pain? I slumped slowly and felt Jack grasp my arms. I felt him pull me towards him and despite remembering everything now I hugged him also, just like before, just like every other time Jack had comforted me. I couldn't cry. My eyes were to sore to cry. I sobbed though, deep heart wrenching sobs that tore through my chest, making it ache. There were too many different feelings bombarding me at once, tearing me in too many directions to be identified. Pain, just raw pain. That was all I was, all I felt, all I knew.

Some time later I pulled away from Jacks arms. He was worried, that was clear from his eyes but he didn't know what to say, how to help, so he stayed silent. He waited for me, and that was fine with me because I didn't want to talk just yet. I know that I had told Jack and Dr. McNally a lot about my life with Martin Larkin and while I wasn't nearly over it yet I had thought we'd made process. I suppose that's why I've come back to myself tonight. However, I don't think I'm nearly strong enough to handle any of this yet.

"I'm going to bed." I tell Jack. I stand up and look back at Jack. He really is in the deep end here. It's kinda good to see though, it reminds me he's human. Jack's been so amazing with everything the last few weeks I guess I'd started to forget that. I turned towards the stairs and walked up them and entered my room. Jack said nothing. I looked at the bed where I'd slept more in the last year than my own house. This whole room, this whole house was home to me. I get changed and when I get into the bed I hear the crinkle of the plastic sheet I know is under there. I blush when I realise I'd been wetting my bed and Jack had been cleaning it for me. How embarrassing. I know that should bother me more but I'm just so tired emotionally and physically I didn't have the time to worry about it. I was asleep in minuets.

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**Still Daniel: -**

When I come down stairs the next morning It's to voices from the kitchen. Jack is talking to Dr. McNally. That man was really getting on my nerves. He was ALWAYS there. Why couldn't I just get a little piece without having every word I said monitored! I don't stop to listen to their conversation, I couldn't be bothered to hear what they have to say. I walk in the kitchen door and both men stop talking. I roll my eyes, get a cup of coffee and walk into the living room without saying a word to either of them.

I'm not surprised when ten minuets later Jack and Dr. McNally walk into the sitting room and sit down. They both have cups in their hands, coffee by the smell of it. I ignore them still and focus only on my coffee.

"Daniel?" Jacks voice breaks my self imposed silence. I don't even look at him.

"Daniel please…why aren't you talking to us?" I wasn't really sure myself. I just, well I guess I was ashamed of myself for everything. For everything that's happened. For the way I acted. I wasn't trying to be callous but maybe, maybe if I pushed them away they'd let me leave. They must realise I wasn't worth all they're effort. I know that Jack had to keep me while my mind was 'on vacation', but now that I was better…I didn't need to be supervised 24/7. Right? By staying hear now I was just in the way.

"Daniel are you angry at Jack or I? Have we done something to you? Or maybe is it something we haven't done?" Dr. McNally was sitting forward on his chair, hands gripping his coffee mug, his face serious. I put my mug down and stand up.

"I want to leave." I say and try to leave the room. I say try because as soon as I say it Jack is standing up in front of my exit. His face is serious and I know that this is going to be a lot harder than I had imagined.

"Jack…It's better this way." I whisper.

"Why?" Jack is totally closed off, his voice gruff, telling nothing. I haven't seen Jack this way in a very long time.

"I'm me again Jack. You don't need to look after me anymore. I can leave know. Can you understand that?" I'm trying to make him understand without giving too much away.

"No, I can't. Where is this coming from?" he asks. I turn my head away from him and my arms reach around myself so that I'm hugging myself. I know I'm just causing problems again. I should have just kept my mouth shut. There is so much going on though…so many things screaming at me.

"Please! Try to! I can't do this anymore. I need…I need…" I'm disgusted to hear my voice breaking.

"Daniel, sit down please and talk to us. We're here to listen. Please, let us listen to you." Dr. McNally had stood up without me noticing and had walked behind me. I was trapped now. I turned around completely to face the doctor and moved back over to the couch. I heard Jack sigh out loud. He's probably getting pissed off with my shenanigans.

"I'm sorry…" I say.

"For what Daniel?" asks Dr. McNally.

"For causing such a fuss. Making a scene…"

"Don't be sorry for that Daniel. You're not making a fuss or a scene. Jack and I care for you and we just want to get better." I look up at Dr. McNally's confession. I look at Jack to and he's nodding his head in the positive.

"I'm sick of talking all the time. I'm sick of being analysed constantly. I hate feeling like my life is not MY OWN!!" I ended up shouting.

"Do you really feel like that Daniel?" Jack asked me.

"…yea, I do. I'm tired Jack, these sessions are making me tired." I start to rub my arms. They had been bothering me since last night.

"Daniel I understand what you're saying. I've met a lot of people who feel this way. It's the daily sessions. Trust me we'll ease off them know that you've recovered." For some reason this made me very angry. Dr. McNally was normally good at knowing what to say but this just threw me completely.

"Understand…" I say very quietly, "…you, understand. Please tell me just what part of this you understand. I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND. HOW THE HELL CAN YOU?" I'm really pissed off now. I'm rubbing at my arms ferociously by now. I know that both Jack and Dr. McNally notice but neither of them are saying anything.

"I don't feel like me anymore…" I say.

"Daniel…I know. I don't understand personally but, I know what you're saying. Do you understand? Daniel, a lot of this is a result of your regression. You just need to give it time. We'll continue with your daily sessions for the next week and then after that we can look at reducing them again."

I sigh defeated. There is so much more I want to say but don't. If I want those reduced sessions I'm going to have to behave and keep things normal as possible.

"Daniel?" I look up at Jack.

"What?"

"Talk to us…" It's not so much what Jack said as the way he said it. His eyes were pleading. For Jack that was unheard of. I hang my head in shame. I'm just causing more and more problems for him.

"I..I mean, I'm sorry. I thought I was doing better…"

"You are!" Jack interrupts.

"…no, I'm not. I need…God! I need to…that is, my arms…" I'm really struggling to ask for what I want. I could have just gone ahead and cut but I was trying to get better, That's what these sessions were originally about before I went and screwed things up.

"You need to…cut?" Jack asks. I know how hard it is for him to say.

"Yea…" I look over at Dr. McNally who is watching me with calculating eyes.

"It's been a long time since you've last cut yourself Daniel. If you don't mind me asking, why did you not ask while you had regressed?"

I look away quickly not meeting either mans eyes.

"Daniel?" Jack says.

"I eh, yea, I mean that is, I did."

"You did. You…cut?" asks Dr. McNally.

"Yea…I did." I say.

"Where?…" asks Jack disbelievingly. "…I've seen your arms. They're no new cuts…" his eyes are flickering all over my body as though he's trying to see through my clothes.

"M-My thighs. I-its where I used to cut before I started buying the make-up that could hide my arms." I tell them both. Dr. McNally is nodding as though he had expected this where as Jack is sputtering, not quiet believing what he's hearing.

"Why didn't you say anything?" he asks.

"Jack, none of you ever told me why I was I was seeing Dr. McNally while I regressed. How was I supposed to know I could talk about that with him!" It was understandable I thought.

"Okay Danny, okay." Jack won't look at me and that worries me. I give Dr. McNally a look and he looks pointedly at me. Nudging me to go over to Jack.

Slowly I walk over until I'm in front of him.

"Look at me." I say to him. He raises his head after a few moments and looks at me.

"Jack, I didn't know. Honestly, I didn't realise I could talk to you. Not about this. No one knew about this Jack. Jack…please…believe me…" Jack sighs.

"I do Danny. I'll always believe you. Its me, I should have been there for you Danny. I'm SO sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me."

"You were Jack. You may not have been there while I was…cutting…but, you've helped me through my grief for Linda, and even the…letter…" I didn't need to say who had sent the letter. We all knew who had sent it.

"You still need to, ya know?" Asked Jack. I sigh.

"Yea. I wish I didn't but I…"

"It's okay Danny, you don't have to explain." Jack looks over to Dr. McNally who has stood up. He goes over to his suitcase and I see him take out my old knife. I reach out to take it from him but he keeps it close to him.

"Sit down Daniel." He tell me. I sit down beside Jack and look at Dr. McNally expectantly.

"It's been a while since we've done this. You know that the moment I say stop you stop."

"Yes…" He looks me over before carefully handing me the knife. I take it and look at it. The blood has been cleaned off once again. I open my shirt at the cuffs and roll up my sleeves. I moved a little bit away from Jack and hold the knife to my skin. I don't know why I'm hesitating. Jack and Dr. McNally aren't saying anything. I can barely hear their breathing. I look back down to my scared arm and put pressure on the skin.

I feel a tear slip out of my eye and rub it away. I still haven't broken skin.

"I can't…I it's…it's not enough…" I tell them. Jack is confused but Dr. McNally just raises his eyebrow, Teal'c like.

"Explain…" he says to me.

"T-the knife, it's not enough. It won't…it's not right…" I'm trying to explain but I can't get the words out. It's been years since I've last used the method.

"What do you normally use when you feel the knife isn't enough?" Dr. McNally asked me.

"a…erm…a lighter…" I look down at my shoes.

"No way Daniel!" Jack says. I nod.

"I didn't think you would let me."

"Daniel, you told us this, knowing we wouldn't let you…or did you think that maybe…"

"I didn't think you would, but, I'd hoped." I tell them both. It doesn't matter though. Neither one will let me. I know how disturbed I must sound, I just wish I didn't need any of this. I hadn't actually burned myself since Martin…well anyway not since then. Not even for Sha're! Well true I did try suicide but that's not really the point is it. Burns seem to be on another level entirely. Burns last longer. Burns can damage more. Burns are ugly.

"Okay…" I look up confused. Jack and Dr. McNally had obviously been talking while I had zoned out.

"What?"

"Okay, you can. BUT! We will supervise you AND the moment we say stop you'd better or we take you to the hospital. Is that understood?"

"…yea…" I shocked. I really hadn't thought Dr. McNally would let me. I see Jack get up and leave. Five minuets later he returns. It probably took him a while to find one of the lighters for the barbeque I think. Jack swallows thickly and a shaky hand, hands over the lighter. I blink and take it. I'm not sure what the procedure is going to be for this. It's always been difficult to cut in front of either man but this is beyond anything I've ever felt before. I feel raw, open, exposed. I look at Jack, but he is looking at the ground. I look to Dr. McNally then but he is looking at me intently. He's says nothing, neither of them do.

I look at the lighter again and roll up my sleeve which had fallen back down during all this. I click the lighter and see the flame shoot up. I take a deep breath and quickly press it against my arm. I feel it sear for a moment before it just tingles. My endorphins must kick in as the feeling becomes pleasurable.

"STOP!" I look at Dr. McNally and sadly take away the lighter from my skin. The flame is long gone and I take my finger off the button. I hand the lighter to Dr. McNally and he takes it. To my surprise Jack has suddenly grabbed my arm. He's looking at it intently. I follow him as he drags me into the kitchen. I realise what he's doing when he turns the faucet on. While in the past I had never washed a burn straight after I understood now that Jack needed to do this. So I let him push my arm under the freezing water and tried it keep my hiss to a minimum.

After my arm has lost all its feeling, due to the cold water, Jack takes my arm and wraps it in a tea towel. Gently he dries the arm before putting some burn cream on it and wrapping it in a bandage. Janet would be proud. Jack still won't look at me though. We go back into the living room and as I suspected the lighter has been hidden. Dr. McNally is sitting in his chair looking at the empty fireplace. I did this to them. I've disgusted both men so much they can't even look at me. I feel like crying.

"You hate me." I say. It was practically whispered but sounded loud in the quiet room.

"We don't hate you Danny! Never!" Jack says. He stands up and walks towards me. I know Jack would never hurt me and maybe it was just a reaction after the regression but I flinch thinking he's going to hit me. Jack pauses but, continues his way towards me when he sees me get a handle on myself.

"Danny Dr. McNally and I care about you. You're my best friend Danny, I could Never hate you. I just don't understand you. I'm really confused about all of this Daniel, I just need some time to sort myself out. Please give me this time Daniel, I promise you, I'm always going to be there for you. I promise." Jack is gripping my arms now and looking me in the eyes. This is hurting him so deeply I'm shocked. I guess I'd never truly realised just what I was doing to my friends, to Jack.

"Okay. I understand Jack. I'm…"

"DON'T say you're sorry!" Jack cuts in over me.

"You have got nothing to be sorry about. Okay. We'll sort this out, eventually. We have to." Says Jack.

"I'm tired." I say.

"Daniel we've been talking nearly over three hours. Why don't you go upstairs and try and have a sleep. We can talk again tomorrow." Says Dr. McNally. While a part of me is still mad at him I see the wisdom of his words. While I had only got up out of bed three hours ago, they had been the most emotionally draining hours of my life. A sleep really sounded good right now.

"Okay, but Jack?…" I look at him.

"Yea?" He asks.

"…don't let me sleep too long, please. I won't be able to sleep tonight otherwise." I say.

"Alright. I'll talk to you later Danny." He says backing away from me and letting me leave the room.

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**Jack's POV:**

"What do I do doc?" I ask. Seeing Daniel burn himself like that had almost killed me. It was one of the most painful things I had ever had to watch.

"I don't know how I can do this. I know we had this conversation before but I just can't do it. I'm not that strong doc. No matter how much I care about him.!" I confess.

"Sit down Jack, before you fall down." He says. I take his advise and I practically collapse onto the couch.

"I know that was hard to see. Believe me, my stomach was turning, but right now that's what Daniel needs and you heard him, he says he hasn't done it in years. I believe him. We just need to watch him closely over the next few days. See how things go. I'll say this though. Horrible and all as I was to see we did make some progress."

"How, tell me how in the HELL that was progress doc!" I scream.

"Daniel was comfortable enough with us to tell us that was what he needed. He trusted us with that information knowing there was very little chance of us letting him use the lighter."

"Why doc? Why did you let him do it?" I ask. I know It sounds like I'm whining but I'm trying very hard myself not to break down.

"…because Jack, he's needs to be weaned off this. Cold turkey just won't work with an addiction like this. If I had let him cut instead not only would it not have satisfied his addiction but, It also left an opportunity for Daniel to lose control and continue cutting. Even after I'd said no. I wasn't going to take a chance like that again." Dr. McNally says.

"I can't do it anymore…" I stand up and leave the room. Dr. McNally can see himself out.

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**A/N: Sorry It's taken so long to get this chapter out. I've been busy. I'm not sure just how well this tied in, but well while we're all wanting to see what else went on with Martin Larkin I know that in real life people get side-tracked. Daniel, Jack and Dr. McNally got side-tracked. **

**I would also like to say one more thing. I've gotten some AMAZING reviews for the last few chapters and would like to thank my reviews for them. There are two people in particular though that I'd like to mention. (I won't say their names but they know who they are.) One wrote in the reviews another through pm. So with that I'll say this: I have not now nor Ever been abused in any way shape of form. Thank-you SOOOOOOOOO much for the supportive messages and I'm sorry if people may have been led to believe that. I feel it is important to say this as well, I feel nothing sort of guilty and a liar to have people believing otherwise. My writing is important to me and I spend a lot of time trying to put myself in other peoples places to make sure I can write convincingly form their POV. I hope I don't lose any readers due to this. **

**The final thing that I will say is that NO ONE deserves to be abused in any way and NO ONE deserves to feel they should punish themselves. If you or someone you know is in either situation, or both as the case maybe, please seek help immediately. Also if injured seek medical attention right away and DO NOT assume the methods above will be enough to treat your injury. **

**Please Review xx.**


	15. Retreat!

A/N: Heay, well this chapter was a long time in the works…I tried really hard to get the balance between Jack's vulnerability and Daniel's personality just right. I'm not quiet sure if it worked though…there's quiet a lot of me in this chapter if you get my drift. Well Read and Review anyway.

Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, Pre- Slash. Rating may change. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else.

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. **

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**Daniel's POV:**

I am struggling to sleep as I hear Jack's voice raise to undeterminable levels. I know it's because of all I've put him through. I am so sorry about all of this. The burn on my arm is barely stinging. While I was using Jack's lighter I had put it straight on my skin far earlier then I was used to. Normally I would let the flame burn my skin for a while, but I figured I was getting more than I should have been and I really didn't want to push my luck.

The burn isn't enough though. I need more, I know I can't though. Plans and useful objects are running through my mind. All the things I could use in the house, where I could go to get some privacy. I won't follow through though. Downstairs I hear Jack shout and walk up the stairs. I turn in the bed and sigh.

I'm causing all these problems. I wish I wasn't so messed up. Linda used to cheer me up while we were at Martin's. Well, to a degree any way. I miss her so much now. I toss and turn trying to get comfortable. I heard the front door close a little earlier and I assume that means Dr. McNally left.

I sit up in the bed and open the drawer beside me. I take out the blade I found in Jack's basement. There is blood on it. I regret what I am about to do, but the lighter really wasn't enough and I need to do this now.

I open my pants and I push them down past my thighs. I see the wounds from the time I spent regressed. Some are scabbed over, none have scared yet. I put the blade to my left tight and cut a line downwards from my hip to my upper leg. Blood wells up quickly. I feel a little better when I hold the blade to my thigh once again. I am just breaking the skin when there is a knock on my door.

"Daniel…are you awake?" Quickly I put the blade under my pillow and pull the quilt up over me. I try and look as calm as I can before I call out.

"Yeah, come in." Jack walks in and sits on the bed beside me. I can feel the blood starting to wet the bedding.

"Are you okay? You look flushed." Jack asks.

"Fine! I'm fine." I squeak out.

"Daniel…I can't do it any more. I'm sorry, b-but I just can't do it. I can't watch you mutilate yourself time and time again. I just…" Jack is silent for a while.

"…I get it. I thought it was unfair to have you watch any way. It was Dr. McNally's idea anyhow. Don't worry about it." I am happy I don't have to put him through that any more.

"Are you sleeping at all?…" Jack asks me. "…it's just I thought you might like something to eat."

I nod.

"Sure, I'll be down in a minute." Jack raises his eyebrow and looks at my shirt. He knows I'm fully dressed.

"Come on, Daniel don't be silly. Get up." I cough and look down at the bed spread. I can still feel the blood flowing slightly. It has started to stop though. The sheets, however will be red, I've no doubt of that.

"What's up?" Jack asks. I blush when I realize he thinks I might have wet the bed again. Which, by the way doesn't help matters.

"Look, Danny it's okay. After your regression it might take a while to get completely back to normal…we'll just clean your sheets and the cover can be left on for a little longer…until your confidant…"

"No! I …I didn't…wet the bed."

"Then what?" I think of what I can do and pray to whatever deity is up there for forgiveness. Thankfully, I had cut on the left and not my right side! Slowly so Jack can see what I'm doing I pull the covers back a small bit.

"You eh…you kinda…" I cough again, "…I was…" I wave my had towards the bare patch of skin that is now showing. "I'm not warring any…well you know…tension release…" Understanding lights in Jacks eyes. Then to my complete and utter surprise he blushes a shade of red I never knew he could reach.

"Right sorry…" he stands up, "…I'll eh just…" and backs away, "…leave you to it…" slowly, "come…I mean eh…wander…yeah…wander downstairs when you're ready." and closes the door behind him.

If the situation wasn't so serious, I would laugh. However, I know now that I have time enough to clean up and sort myself out.

**Jack's POV:**

I close Daniel's door and walk down the hall straight into my bedroom. '_Down boy!'_ I think to myself.

Now certainly is not the time to be pursuing Daniel. I would have a cold shower if I had the time, but I'd say Daniel will be out of his bedroom any minute, there's no way he'd continue right?

Those thoughts are going into VERY dangerous territory. I have to stop thinking about it. Jesus, five minuets ago I was depressing myself at all the crap going on and now I'm bloody aroused. This just can't be happening. How the hell have I lost so much control. This whole situation has been out of my control from the start, but it's only now I am really starting to realize how much. I don't know if I can continue to do this. I'll still be there for Daniel but I need to take a step back, I need to sort myself out.

I hear Daniel on the landing and I hang up my phone quietly, hating myself for what I am planning to do.

"Eh…" Daniel is hovering outside the kitchen.

"Come in, Daniel." I say. There is no point in two of us being embarrassed.

"Jack, I'm ah…I'm sorry…" Daniel has sat down at the table and is looking at his hands.

"No need to be embarrassed, Daniel…"

"No, it's not…I mean…that is…shit…" Daniel stumbled over his words.

"Talk to me, Daniel…" I sit down beside him and try to look understanding.

"Jack, up there, when we were upstairs, I wasn't, I mean I wasn't doing what you think…" I'm quite confused by what Daniel is saying.

"Daniel, what?"

"Shit, Jack I wasn't masturbating!" I blink at the bluntness.

"Okay…" I say. Daniel takes a deep breath. Rubbing his hands up and down his face, he continues,

"God, Jack, I just keep causing more and more problems. I wish I was…"

"What, Daniel? What is it?" I'm quite shocked when I see a tear running down his face. Then another and another.

"I cut again, Jack. That's what I was doing. I only made you think that I was doing…something else so you didn't find out."

"Why are you telling me this now then?" I ask. My heart drops. I can't deal with this.

"…I don't want to lie anymore. I want help, I want to stop." I can feel my face harden, though I try to stay calm. I breath out quickly, harshly. Daniel is frozen to the spot. I close my eyes briefly.

"You've said that before, Daniel. I…I don't know how many more times I can believe you."

"Jack! No! Please…I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I know this has been hard for you. You've done so much for me. More than I ever expected. Much more than I deserve. I'm being honest though. I do want help. I'm trying. I promise you I am. I…I…"

"Daniel, stop it!" I shout. I can't take much more of this. I'll crack up. If I want to help Daniel, and I do, I need to help myself first.

"Sit down, Daniel." The man in front of me is shaking. I miss my friend. I miss the strong opinionated man who challenged me everyday. I miss Daniel.

"Now you listen to me, Daniel, and you listen good. I'm going to say something in a moment and I DO NOT, I repeat, I DO NOT want you to blame yourself for it. Okay?" Daniel is looking at his lap, avoiding my eyes.

"Answer me, Daniel."

"I'll try not to Jack…" I purse my lips, unsatisfied with the answer but knowing I won't get a better one.

"Daniel, I need a break. I just…need to get away. It's not your fault. It really isn't. But things have just been a little intense lately and I feel like I can't breath.

"Daniel, I'm going to my Grandfather's Cabin for a little while. You can call me whenever you want and you won't be alone. Sam and Teal'c have said that they'll stay here with you the whole time. This isn't your fault, but I need a break, Daniel. I'm worn out. I-I, I just need to get my head together. I'm sorry." I rub my hands over my face. I see Daniel's face fall. I know I've hurt him. I just can't take it anymore. I've never been one to run away from difficult situations but, I'm all for a tactical retreat. That's what this is now. A retreat.

"Oh…O-of c-course. Jack. I u-understand. Obviously y-you n-need a b-break. I-I'm n-not exactly l-low m-maintenance am I? N-no I-it's o-okay. I g-get it…completely." I hate seeing Daniel stumbling and stuttering over his words. It's obvious just how much this is tearing him apart. I hate that I can get such a reaction out of him. I'm being selfish. So selfish, and if Daniel does do something to himself over this, I'll never, NEVER forgive myself. But I have to think of myself though. I'm going to burn out if I'm not careful, then I'll be no use to him at all then.

I sigh. "I'm leaving in an hour. Sam and Teal'c will be over then. I'm sorry, Daniel." I put his breakfast on the table and leave the kitchen for my bedroom.

**Daniel's POV: **

I'm sitting in the kitchen in shock. Jack has just walked past me up to his room. I can't believe this is happening. Jack is leaving. I've driven him away, from his own home no less. I'm such a fool. I-I can't think properly. My mind isn't working properly. I just sit there, staring at nothing.

**Jack's POV: **

I reach for my cell phone and dial Dr. McNally. The phone rings five times before he picks up.

"Hello?" answers a tired voice.

"Dr. McNally, it's Jack O'Neill. I'm just calling to let you know that I'm going away for a while and Sam and Teal'c will be staying with Daniel until I get back. I'm leaving in less than an hour. Goodbye."

I hang up the phone and turn it off so he can't call me back. Shortly after, I hear the house phone ring, but Daniel does not answer it. I'm a little surprised. I take out a suite case and start throwing clothes into it without paying too much attention to what's going in there. At last I hear the door open downstairs and Carter calling out.

"Hello? Colonel O'Neill? Daniel?" I close my suite case and wheel it down stairs. I feel like a coward. Teal'c is waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs.

"O'Neill, Major Carter is with Daniel Jackson in the kitchen. I will help you with your bag."

I nearly shiver at the tone of voice. Teal'c and I walk outside and my suite case is put into my truck.

"Tell me why you are abandoning Daniel Jackson in his time of need?" I look up at the big guy and try and gather my most intimidating voice.

"I need some time to myself, Teal'c. I can't deal with this any more. If I'm to be of ANY use to Daniel, I need to sort myself out first. You can understand that, can't you big guy?"

"So, you are doing this for Daniel Jackson's benefit then?"

"Yes! Exactly!" I say. It's true…just not as true as I'd like it to be. There is a lot more selfish intent in there than I'd EVER care to admit.

"Very well. Major Carter and I will care for Daniel Jackson until your return."

"Thanks for understanding, Teal'c." Teal'c inclined his head towards me and I smiled in return. Without saying goodbye to Carter or Daniel, I got into my truck and drove off. I saw Teal'c in my rear view mirror until I turned the corner at the end of my street.

'_I'm not running away. A tactical retreat is always better than losing unnecessary man power in an unbeatable fight. It's always much better to retreat, regroup, and come back stronger than before. That's what I'm doing. I'm going to regroup.'_

I hate the fact that there is a niggling voice inside my head that won't go away, telling me just how much of a coward I truly am. I'm watching Daniel kill himself slowly and I can't bare it. He's already unrecognizable to the Daniel I once knew. He's no longer my strong best friend who brought me back from the brink of suicide. It doesn't help the situation that it seems as though Daniel had no trouble bringing me back to life when he barely knew me and yet, when I claim to be his best friend, who has known him for years…I just seem to be making things worse. Some best friend I am.

I drive for hours…taking the scenic route, rather than the main roads. As mach as I want to get there fast, I need to think and I do that best when I'm driving. Well, driving or fishing. I plan on doing a lot of both.

Seven hours after I left my house I stop at a supermarket to pick up supplies. I'll need a fair amount of food, even more beer will be necessary. I don't not intend to do this sober. Christ this is difficult.

An hour later I arrive at my Grandfather's old cabin. As always it's covered in dust inside and the whole place is freezing, but I soon fix the temperature and start a roaring fire. I take the supplies into the cabin, tidy the place up and before I know it I'm sitting on the couch in front of the fire. Tears are streaming down my face and soon I'm sobbing into my hands.

'_What have I done?'_

**Sam's POV: **

I couldn't find Daniel or the Colonel at first, but when I walked into the kitchen I saw Daniel sitting up straight, his eyes glazed over. There was a cold breakfast sitting on the table.

'_How long has he been like this?'_ I think to myself.

I notice Teal'c leave the room and I assume he's gone to look for Colonel O'Neill. I couldn't believe it when the Colonel told me what he was going to do today. But I accepted it. You can't change his mind when he's made it up, so the only thing I can do at the moment is make sure Daniel will be all right.

The two men seemed to be doing so well together I don't know what changed, but it was none of my business. If Daniel or the Colonel wanted to tell me, they would on their own terms. I would get nothing by asking questions.

"Daniel?" I walk over to my friend and try to get his attention.

"Daniel?" I wave a hand in front of his face and I finally get a reaction. He blinks and then looks around him. I notice that his eyes go to the clock on the wall first. Interesting.

"Daniel, are you okay?" He finally turns to look at me…

"Sam?"

"I'm here, Daniel. I'm here. Why don't we go into the living room. It's much more comfortable in there." I lead Daniel in and he follows easily. So much has changed in the last few months. Daniel is barley recognizable. He's so pale, but even if he's physical similar to before, mentally…so much has changed, he's like a different man.

I hear voices in the hallway, but ignore them choosing to look after Daniel instead. I wrap a blanket around him and rub his arms. He appears to be in shock. I whisper nonsense words to him, but it's going straight over his head. A few minuets later I hear the Colonel's truck drive away and the Teal'c comes in. He stands in the entry to the living room and I nod him over.

"Can you make Daniel a cup of tea? Put two sugars in it also. It'll help the shock."

"Indeed." says Teal'c and he goes into the kitchen to make the tea.

"He's gone, isn't he?" I'm startled to hear Daniel talking.

"Y-yes, he is. He's gone." Daniel nods and goes back into his own world. I feel like killing the Colonel right about now. He'd better have a dam good reason for putting Daniel though this.

Teal'c comes back in with the tea for Daniel and I took the cup from him.

"Thanks, Teal'c. Here, Daniel. Drink this." I place the cup into Daniel's hands, making sure to hold on for a few seconds longer than necessary to make sure he had a firm grip. I look at Teal'c to see if he has any idea's how to help Daniel.

"Daniel Jackson, you must drink your sweet tea. You are in shock and you need to regain your focus. It is for your own well being." The tone of voice that Teal'c used was firm and commanding. Like a father to ones child. Daniel took a sip of tea out of reflex.

'_Knock! Knock!'_

"I'll get it." I tell Teal'c and I get up to answer the door.

Leaving the room I see Teal'c move to the other end of the room so he can see exactly who is at the door. I open it and standing there is Dr. McNally.

"Major Carter! You're here! Does that mean that the Colonel has already left?" I look Dr. McNally up and down and stand back to let him into the house. When he has stepped into the hall, I take his jacket and then I answer him.

"Yes, it does. The Colonel left about half an hour ago."

"How's Daniel?" he asks me.

"He's in shock…" I say. "…Teal'c is with him in the living room."

"I'd like to talk to him."

"Okay. Teal'c and I will go into the kitchen. Shout if you need anything." I walk into the living room and Dr. McNally follows me.

"Daniel, Dr. McNally is here to talk to you. Teal'c and I will be in the kitchen if you need us. Just shout, okay?" I get no acknowledgment. I nod to Teal'c and we walk out of the room.

"Let's talk, Daniel…" I hear Dr. McNally say as I leave the room.

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**A/N: Heay, well sorry It's been so long since I last posted. Oops. I've been swamped with everything. I know that this chapter is a little out there and that it's not quiet true to their characters but Jack is near breaking point. He needs this. As for Daniel, well I can tell you now, while he is in shock he's not comatose, so no need to worry about that. Everything, well a lot will be explained in the next chapter, which shouldn't take me too long to update. Hopefully, anyway. **

**Please Review, I love reading them, good or bad, there's always something constructive to take from them. **

**Re-edited on April 5th**** 2009. I'd also like to thank my new Beta reader SG1 mouse for all her hard work. Without her this re-editing would have take FOREVER. **

**Thanks for all the reviews so far. I'll have the next chapter out soon. Bye. **


	16. Realisations

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_Chapter 16_

**A/N: Heay. Well I'm SOOOOO sorry that I've left it so long since I last updated. Three months is way too long. I do have my excuses though. For a start I started and re-started this chapter so many times I've lost count. Hopefully the final cut will meet your high standards. **

**Secondly, because I left you waiting for so long I decided to make the chapter slightly longer than I usually make them. **

**Now I need to say a special thanks to two people. First there's my new Beta Sg1 mouse, who not only beta'd this chapter but has gone over all my existing chapters. The second person I'd like to thank is Sg1 Mouse's husband. You'll find later on in this chapter a Journal Entry from Daniel. The passage was actually written by Sg1 Mouse's husband. I thought it really expressed Daniel's feelings at the time. I'd also like to say that my interpretation of the extract was manipulated to suit my story. If you read something else into it that's fine too. Now read on. Don't forget to review and I hope you enjoy. **

**Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, Pre- Slash. Rating may change. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. **

**Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. **

**"Let's talk Daniel…"**

**Daniel's POV: **

I ignore Dr. McNally when he walks into the room. I ignore Sam as well. I'm too caught up in my own despair to think about the others. Jack's gone and I was the one to drive him away.

"Daniel…" I can hear Dr. McNally call out to me.

"I don't want to talk. Please go away."

How have things come to this? How have I deteriorated so much. I used to be strong, confident. Maybe not all of the time but, I was never a complete wreck. Certainly never without the excuse of alien influences. Now, I'm falling to pieces, by my own hand. I would live through Netu if it meant I could turn back the clock and change how things have turned out. If only I'd been stronger. If only I'd never been found out!

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Daniel. Major Carter and Teal'c are worried about you. Jack was the one to call me over here for you." I hear him say.

"Jack?" I ask raising my head for the first time since he entered the room.

"Yes, Jack called me. He told me he was leaving and to come over to see how you were dealing with that. He hung up on me and was gone before I could speak to him about it."

I nod and look down again. I know what I have to do.

Quickly I leave the sitting room. I run upstairs and got the blade I was using to cut. I was going to end this.

**Jack's POV: **

It had been three days since I left Daniel. Currently I sat on a chair by the lake. I held a fishing rod in my hand and cast the line. I didn't even bother with bait this time. There was no one here to pretend for. There was no one here I needed to keep up appearances for. I needed a shower and I had a beard with far more grey in it than I will ever admit to. My clothes were rumpled and dirty. I wasn't taking care of myself. I couldn't. Daniel hadn't contacted me since I left. I haven't tried to contact him either. In fact, Carter, Teal'c or Dr. McNally haven't gotten a hold of me since I left. I don't know why, I guess that if there was something really wrong they would ring. Right?

I've spent the last three days wallowing. I think I've had maybe a few bowls of fruit loops, but nothing more. So much for the big shopping trip. Right now I'm surviving on Ireland's finest. Guinness. Lots of it. I also found a full bottle of whisky in one of the cupboards. There's not much left now. The last three days have just blurred by in an alcoholic haze that I'm not sure I will ever recover from.

It's getting dark now. The sun is almost gone down. I can see the stars already. I laugh sardonically to myself. How many of those stars have I travelled in the past? Just how many of those stars have I seen up close and personal? And now, the worst part is, without Daniel, I may never see those stars in the same way again. I don't pretend to know that Daniel's more valuable than I am. Daniel, Carter and Teal'c are the indispensable members of my team. I am dispensable. They can get someone else to take my place. But the wonder twins? Teal'c with all his Jaffa knowledge? No, there is no way I will ever be as valued as the other members of my team, and I'm alright with that. I've found out a lot of things about myself since joining the SGC. But one of the most startling is that I like travelling to other planets. I like meeting the people. Heck I even like saving the world every now and then. After all, I do live in it. Who wouldn't want to save it. Of course I'd never admit this to anyone else. I do have an image to up hold.

I gather up my stuff, my thoughts jumping from one thing to another. I'm not able to focus on just one thing for long. It must have something to do with the alcohol. I put my fishing gear away and go into my living room. I've just opened another bottle of Guinness. The flavor hits the back of my throat and I sigh. If only I didn't hate myself. Maybe, just maybe this could be a relaxing vacation. Instead, I think I'd take another round of Netu, if that meant I didn't have to feel this way. I swore I'd never intentionally hurt Danny. Now I've gone and done that.

Where's that whisky?

**Dr. McNally's POV: **

I jumped when Daniel rushed past me all of a sudden. I heard him run up the stairs. I'm surprised, as he doesn't normally run from things. Daniel was breaking when I met him. Now he's broke. I'm starting to fear he's getting worse. I've tried to help him, but everything just keeps knocking him down. He just can't win. I look up to the ceiling when I hear a bang.

Getting up, walk out of the living room. Daniel and I need to have a chat. However, Daniel seems to be way ahead of me. He's running back down the stairs now, but he's clutching a blade.

'Shit', I think to myself. This is not good.

"I'm done. That's it, no more. Get rid of it and don't tell me how you did it. I want to stop. I need to stop."

I look at a slightly crazed Daniel, but there is an understanding in his eyes I haven't seen before.

"Daniel, you have been trying to stop. That's what these sessions are all about…" I'm cut off.

"No! That wasn't stopping. It didn't help at all. Not really. I'll go cold turkey. No more of this coddling me shit! It has driven Jack away. I've driven Jack away… oh God, Jack."

I look on at Daniel as he collapses on the bottom step crying and holding himself, still clutching the blade like a life line. I listen to him talk about how much pain he's caused Jack and how he has no right to even be here in his house.

"I've driven Jack away from his own home!" Daniel says to me. I shake my head slightly to get myself in gear. This is the breakthrough I've been looking for since I met Daniel. This was the sort of realization I've needed him to have. I sit down on the stair beside Daniel and I put my arms around him, pulling him close. He turns into the hug and starts sobbing into my shoulder.

I don't know how long we sat there for, but I give Daniel all the time he needs. This is good. This is progress. My only wish is that it wasn't due to present circumstances.

***

Excerpts from Daniel's journal: as read by Dr. McNally

_Inspired . . . I'm not._

_Just tired-_

_Where and why and how? Too many questions. When did I stop and the scabs begin . . . My scratches and scabs are delicately hidden behind a broken trust._

_I can't see . . . I can't hear . . . I can't breathe . . ._

_. . . corner of the sky . . . trapped._

_My blades are my words and my blades cut deeper then the delicate lines that you trace . . . I am an artist . . . word painter . . . but the media scares me and makes me too honest._

_Once there was a word . . . small . . . insignificant . . . He didn't want to hurt anyone, but he knew the fall out would be monumental and potentially destructive . . . The world can't handle the freak, so I must stay silent and call my friends around the fire as a deterrent._

_Words like 'bug spray' to keep the face at bay._

_Pull back my curtain and see the light._

_I have an elaborate set of masks._

I rub my hands across my face and try to take it all in. This is something new I've decided to try with Daniel. It's not so much as a diary as it is momentary spurts of feelings. I gave him a journal and told him to write whatever he felt like writing. I told him that I would read it, but not to hold back because of that. This journal was another way to try and figure out Daniel's thought process. Like cross referencing his verbal account and his written account of his feelings. Sometimes the written word can highlight issues you didn't even know you had.

I'm not sure how to take the poem just yet. I'm considering two options as I re-read over the…poem. He didn't want to hurt anyone, but he knew the fall out would be monumental and potentially destructive . . . That could be about Jack or else Daniel himself. I read that as saying, Daniel realizes that Jack didn't mean to hurt him, which is a good thing. But I can also read it as Daniel knows that hurting himself would break us, but he doesn't mean to do it.

I just don't know what to think any more. Daniel writes about a 'Broken trust…' that could be so many people I'm sad to say. So many people in Daniel's life have broken his trust. His parents, Jack, Martin Larkin, and so many, many more. This poem is an insight into Daniel that I've never had before.

I also have to speak to Daniel about the letter he got from Martin. We've left it long enough. The issue needs to be addressed. I know I said I would let him bring up the subjects he want to talk about, but this is a security issue now. If Martin knows where Daniel is staying, it could be considered a threat against the SGC. Truthfully, Martin probably has no knowledge of the base, but it works in our favor anyway. It means we can get the issue sorted out faster. The trick is we need Daniel to tell General Hammond his suspicions about Linda and also give him the letter. I'm not sure just how ready Daniel is though when it comes to talking to the General.

**Daniel's POV: **

"What can I do for you today gentlemen?" asked General Hammond.

Dr. McNally was sitting beside me in the General's office in the SGC. I knew the time was coming to tell him about Martin, I just wish Jack was here too. However, I'm going to prove to Jack just how strong I am. I'll show him that I don't need to lean on him constantly. Maybe, I'll even convince him that I'm someone he could rely on…someday…well, it could happen. I was there for him before all this started. I could do it again. Convincing him of that is the problem.

"General Hammond, five days ago Daniel received a disturbing note in the mail. We believe we know who sent it, but are worried about security if this person was able to send the letter to Colonel O'Neill's home."

I looked on as Dr. McNally passed over the note I had received five days prior. The phrase, 'You couldn't protect her…' kept running through my head, a disturbing mantra indeed. I saw General Hammond's eyebrows rise and continued to look straight ahead of me, focusing on the wall before me. I would not look down. I may not be able to meet the General's eyes but I would not show submission, not in any form. Not any more.

"Dr. Jackson, who do you believe sent you this missive?" Continuing to stare I answered the General.

"Martin Larkin, sir. I lived with him for a time when I was a ward of the state. Linda, a woman I was very close to also lived there. She died. He was at her funeral…" I stop. My throat is dry.

"Dr. Jackson and Mr. Larkin had an…altercation as the grave site, sir. This is what I believe caused Dr. Jackson's regression. Mr. Larkin was an unfit caretaker who manipulated Daniel for his own perverted needs. Daniel went along with much of what occurred on the threat that Mr. Larkin would hurt Linda instead. As you can see from the note, sir, Mr. Larkin has not changed much in recent years."

"I…understand." General Hammond said. "I'll have my staff do a full check on him and we'll call him in for questioning. If he can find Dr. Jackson so easily, then we may have reason to be concerned about base security."

"Thank-you General." Dr. McNally says.

"Dr. Jackson, I don't want to rush you, but do you think you'll be coming back to work soon? I only ask because we got a visitor yesterday, whom I think you would like to meet, again." This time I do look at the General.

"Again?" I'm confused. The General picks up his phone and calls an SF.

"Please send our guest up to my office. Yes, immediately." He hangs up the phone and turns back to me. "He won't be long now, son."

Now that the 'meeting' is sort of over there is less formality in the office. After all, Dr. McNally and I are both civilians.

There is a knock on the door and I nearly fall off my seat when I realize who's standing there.

"Prince Lamenkesh…" I stand and bow before walking over to him to shake his hand. "…how are you? Are you all right? How is your bonded? What of your people?"

Prince Lamenkesh laughed. "Dr. Jackson, you have not changed one bit. Still as inquisitive as always. But, I will answer your questions. Please sit. Oh and it is King Lamenkesh now."

I sit and King Lamenkesh also finds himself a seat.

"As you will probably remember the last time we saw each other I was in your infirmary with my bonded. We had run from Metsoin and were later beamed out of this facility…"

"Yes, how did you escape?" I cut in.

"…actually, I didn't, SG-2 I believe, came in to rescued us. There has been a lot of fighting on both sides. Surprisingly enough many of our people rose up against my uncle and fought valiantly. Your people where also a tremendous help. I don't know what we would have done without you." He said.

"…and, if I may ask, how is your bonded?" I'm worried at her lack of presence. The bonded rarely leaves his side.

"Ah, that also is news of wealth. She is with child."

"Congratulations." I tell him. I am happy to see him. Actually, it's the most cheerful I've been since Jack left.

"My thanks, Dr. Jackson. I was wondering however, if we could return to our original negotiations. Sadly, your General Hammond has informed me that you are on a leave of absence. Perhaps we could come to some arrangement?"

I look at the General. I'm still not better. I know that, but, maybe this is the way I can prove to Jack I'm serious about getting better. If I return to the SGC, perhaps I could prove that I'm capable of acting sane. Prove to everyone that I'm not crazy.

I know I've a long way to go and I'm not ready yet to give up my sessions with Dr. McNally, but I can do this. I know I can.

"Please, General, I would like to do this. Perhaps I could return to work on a trial bases. Please…" I know I'm practically begging but, I'm desperate to prove myself. I look between General Hammond and Dr. McNally. I can see them having a silent conversation.

"Very well, Dr. Jackson. I will allow you back on a trail bases. However, for the moment, you will work with King Lamenkesh only. I do not want to see you working on any other files for this duration. After the negotiations, Dr. McNally and I will review your progress and consider adding more to your work load. And you will work reasonable hours. No earlier than 09:00 and no later than 18:00. Is that understood?"

I didn't like it, but, I knew it was the best I was going to get. Also, by accepting the General's conditions without a fuss, I was getting myself brownie points. Hopefully.

"Thank you, General." I say eventually.

"Well then, shall we start now?" King Lamenkesh asks.

I look to the General again silently asking for permission. It burns a little, but it must be done. I know when to pick my battles, and right now this is one fight which can only be fought underground.

"That's fine, King Lamenkesh. Why don't you and Dr. Jackson adjourn to his office. Dr. McNally, perhaps you could wait behind for a moment?" General Hammond says.

King Lamenkesh and I get up and leave the office, but not before he bows to General Hammond. The moment I close the door behind me I'm certain I can hear them both talking. I'd happily place a bet saying they were talking about me. This is going to take a long time.

**Dr. McNally's POV: **

I watched Daniel and King Lamenkesh leave the room and was taken from my thoughts by General Hammond's voice.

"Sorry, Sir? What was that?" I ask slightly embarrassed at my lack of attention..

"I asked you whether or not you were sure Dr. Jackson can handle this."

I look at Hammond's face and rub my hands across my eyes.

"I'm not entirely sure. He's reached a turning point. It seems that with Jack's leaving it has given Daniel a new purpose. I'm just worried it won't be enough."

"So you think I made a bad decision allowing Dr. Jackson back to work?"

"…No, not completely. I think it'll be good for him in the sense that it won't allow him to wallow. No, you know what? I have faith in him. Daniel's far from better, but he's getting there. I think, I think this might just be it. If we can just get him past Martin Larkin and Linda's death, I think we may well be on our way." I say with a slight smile.

Of course I know there's more to it than that, but Martin Larkin has held Daniel back in so many ways, dealing with his issues with him, it will solve a lot.

"Very well then, Dr. McNally, if you think so. I'd appreciate it if you remain when Dr. Jackson was here. Also, while he's working here, I want to know that he's talking with you everyday. I don't want to know what was discussed. The same rules as always apply, but if you could just check in with me afterwards, I'd like that. Dr. Jackson is more than just a civilian to me. He's family. Just like the rest of SG-1."

"Of course, Sir. I'll let you know."

"Thank you. Now I'll let you go. I'll call you if I find anything out about Martin Larkin."

I get up and leave the office heading for my rarely used room. I need to call Jack.

**Daniel's POV: **

"Daniel, how have you been? Truly?" King Lamenkesh and I were sitting in my office. I had taken the chair at my desk, my back facing the wall and King Lamenkesh was sitting on the more comfortable couch facing the door. If noting else I was a good host.

It was weird though, waking into the office. I hadn't been in here in so long. There was a fine layer of dust on everything. I was slightly embarrassed.

"I'm . . . getting there. I've not been doing all that well actually. I…it's not been easy…" I don't really know what to say. After all, this is the man who busted me in the first place. I was angry with him in the beginning and I suppose a small part of me still is, but I can understand now why everything happened the way it did. It was one of the things Dr. McNally discussed with me…extensively.

"Dr. Jackson, it's okay. I understand that things have been difficult for you. Also, I'd like to apologize again for the way I startled you. I knew you had kept it a secret but, I hadn't realized just how closely you had guarded it to your chest. I can only hope that you'll forgive me someday."

I look at the man sitting on my couch. I want to accept his apology. I want to put this all behind me, but no matter how much I may understand about his motives, I just can't. Not yet anyway.

"Maybe we should work on a new contract between our worlds. Circumstance have, of course changed."

"Yes, I believe you are right." King Lamenkesh sighs.

I know he was hoping for more from me, but I just can't. Maybe someday I'll be able to forgive him. Today's not that day.

***

**Jack's POV: **

I can here ringing. I'm certain of it.

I'm lying in my bed. The covers have been pushed to the bottom. I'm only wearing sweats. Dirty sweats. I need put on a clean pair, but I can't. I've been so drunk the last few days I'm amazed I've gotten as far as a bed at all!

The ringing in my ears in getting louder. More annoying. I'm not so sure that it's just in my head any more. Blindly I reach for the phone on the bedside table. I swipe my arm once, twice, three times…BANG!…ugh. I've fallen out of the bloody bed. I'm tempted to just stay here and pull the covers off the bed and back onto me, but the ringing is incessant.

Some how I manage to pull myself onto all fours. I crawl to the bedside table. You want to know how I found it? Yeah, you guessed it, I smacked my head off it. Today was not starting off as a good day.

I grab the top of the table and hoist myself up. I finally grab the phone and put it to my ear.

"WHAT?!" I shout.

"Colonel O'Neill? This is Dr. McNally. I was wondering if we could talk."

I have to think for a moment before everything comes crashing back to me.

"What's happened? Is Daniel alright?" I ask. I swipe my arm across my face and try to get the sleep out of my eyes.

"You're worry about him now? Where was that concern for Daniel when you decided to bail?"

I hear on the phone. I try to keep my temper. It's not easy.

"I didn't bail on Daniel, he knows exactly why I left." I growl out through my teeth. Sad thing is, the Doc is right. I did bail, but I just can't admit it right now.

"Yeah, well Dr. Jackson and I went to see General Hammond today. We gave him the note from Martin Larkin. I just thought you should know."

"Oh, right. Thanks. He is . . . okay, isn't he?" I ask uncertain.

"He's getting there. What you did, Jack, it really hurt him. You've a lot of making up to do when you get back."

"I'd figured as much." I say completely resigned.

"Well, I'll leave you to it. Don't stay away too long." I hear Dr. McNally say.

"Okay. Tell Daniel I'm asking for him."

"I will. Oh and you should probably know, King Lamenkesh has returned and the General has allowed Daniel to continue working with him. If you want more details I suggest you phone the General. I've got to go now. Goodbye, Colonel O'Neill."

Before I can even answer, he hangs up the phone.

'Shit', I think to myself. How much have I missed? I've only been out here a few days. I need a drink.

Much as I would have liked to get a drink, I didn't. I know it was time to detox. I'd drowned my sorrows, now it was time to deal with them. I've a lot of groveling to do with Daniel, and I need a clear head to do it.

I get off the floor and stumble into the bathroom. I put the shower on full blast and push down my sweat pants. Getting into the shower I just stand there and let the hot water cleanse me. I feel it burning away all the grime, the sweat and the tears. I washed away the alcohol I had spilled on myself. I washed away my darker side. The side of me I keep hidden from everyone in the world.

The part of me that breaks down. That feels. That's human.

No one wants a hormonal Colonel. Everyone expects a 'certain image' for someone of my status. Well, that's not true. Daniel doesn't expect me to be a total bad ass. It's just recently really, and it's not his fault. I know that. He's needed me and I was there for him. At least in the beginning. I will be there for him again though.

I think the main reason I reacted the way I did was because of my feeling for Daniel. He's the most important person in the world to me. The thought of him dying destroyed me, and of course the one person I would have trusted to talk about these feeling was the person who was essentially causing them.

I'd felt trapped. But now, I was going to finish what I'd set out to do. I was going to be there for Daniel. Unconditionally.

***

**Daniel's POV: **

"Daniel, you ready to go?"

I look up to see Dr. McNally at my door.

"Huh?"

"It's just 18:00. Don't tell me you've forgotten your agreement with General Hammond already." He says.

"No, of course not. You just surprised me…" I say. The annoying thing is, I had forgotten. "…King Lamenkesh, I beg your leave. I will be back tomorrow to continue to negotiations." I say bowing slightly at the waist.

"Of course, Dr. Jackson. I shall speak with you tomorrow."

I leave my office and go back to Jack's house with Dr. McNally.

"Why can't I go back to my own house?" I ask petulantly.

"If you'd prefer." He says.

"Huh?"

"You weren't expecting me to agree with you?"

"Eh, well, no. No, I wasn't." No one said anything for a moment. We just sat in silence.

"Well, are you going to tell me why you're agreeing with me?" I ask eventually.

"It's simple. You're still under surveillance so either myself, Major Carter or Teal'c will be staying with you any particular night. Not to mention that once Jack returns, he'll probably ask you to comet back to his house again. In fact, he'd probably be irritated that you didn't stay there anyway."

"Oh."

"Yep." We drive back to my place in silence.

When we are sitting down in my living room, I notice Dr. McNally looking around the room and I realize with a start that he's never actually been here before.

"Do you want some coffee?" I ask him.

"Actually, that would be nice thank you."

I get up and move to the kitchen. I'm relieved to see that he does not follow me. I've gotten some trust then. Since its been so long since I've been here, there's no edible food in the fridge.

"Do you mind your coffee black? The only milk I have now is cheese."

"Black is fine thanks." Dr. McNally chuckles.

I realize I'll have to order take-out if we want to eat. Not too mention I'll have to put fresh bed sheets on the bed, the others are probably stagnant at this point. Also, I'll have to make up a bed on the couch so I can sleep.

I'm tired all ready. What's worse is I still have to sit through Dr. McNally's session.

When the coffee is ready I bring the two cups out and place them on my coffee table. Despite everything, it is good to be home. Not that I don't kind'a think of Jack's place as home, but this apartment is mine, something I can call my own.

"Thank you, Daniel."

"No problem." The TV is on but neither of us are watching it.

"…eh, Dr. McNally…" I start to say something. I can sense him turn his head towards me but I continue to stare straight ahead. I wait for a moment but when he doesn't say anything I try to continue.

"…Is there any chance we can skip the session tonight?" Before I finish my question I realized that there was no point.

"I'm sorry, Daniel. It was one of the stipulations General Hammond asked for by allowing you to return to work. It's just for a little while."

"It was worth a try…" I say.

"Any particular reason you don't want to talk?" Dr. McNally is still looking at me and eventually I turn towards him.

"No, not really. I'm just exhausted I guess."

"You sure there's nothing more to it than that?"

"I'm just, not really…argh. I don't really know. I'm just not myself today you know?"

"Well, you had a busy day, Daniel. A lot happened. How do you feel about General Hammond knowing about Linda and Martin?"

I frown at that.

"Well, I'm not happy about it. That's for sure."

"Is there some reason you don't want the General to know, or do you just not want to talk about him with others?"

"A bit of both I guess. I've never really talked about it with anyone. Just you and Jack. Besides, the General has done so much for me. I suppose, I just don't want his opinion of me to change. That's important to me. I spent a lot of time building a reputation in the SGC, I can't let it go to hell now. No matter how much trouble I've caused with all of this crap."

"You know that the General cares about you, don't you?" He asks me but, I stay quite. "Daniel?"

I look back at the coffee table. "The General tolerates me. He has to. I'm the one who opened the Stargate. He wouldn't want me there otherwise." I say honestly.

"Daniel, that's not true. The General thinks of you like family."

"Don't lie to me, Dr. McNally. Please, just don't bother."

"Oh Daniel, you're wrong. So wrong. The General told me himself today just how much he cares about you. You have so many people who love you. Who see you as part of their family. I just wish you could see that."

I want to believe him but these are insecurities I've had since I was eight years old.

"If that was true then why did Jack leave?" I say quietly. Dr. McNally says nothing for a moment and I think I have him stumped.

"He left because he cares about you. Daniel, you need to understand something; Jack lo-cares about you so much that seeing you struggling as much as you have been, hurt him. He wants to be here for you, but until he gets himself together, he knows that he'll be useless to you. Or, at least that's how he feels about it."

"Yeah, okay." I say. There's no point pretending I agree with him. I know I'm the reason Jack's gone. I know that I drove him out of his own house.

"What about the note, Daniel? How are you coping with that?" He asks me.

"I'm not. I, I can't really think about it. It makes me so sick to think that he still has that much control over me. I hate that he can cause me to break down so completely. I'm disgusted when I think about what Linda went through. What he may have forced her to do." My voice hitches, but I'm not going to cry. I'm way past crying now.

"I was the one who looked out for her. I was supposed to protect her. I failed." I tell Dr. McNally.

"You didn't fail, Daniel. You did protect her while you lived together. How were you to know that he would go after her again? You couldn't have guessed that, that would happen. We'll get this guy Daniel. He'll never bother you again. I promise."

"You can't promise something like that. Martin isn't sane. He can't possible be in his right mind. We don't know WHAT he could do next." I'm right. I know I am. I'm still afraid of Martin, I think a part of me always will be, but I've learned that I can't let my fears rule me. I mean if I can go up against the System Lords without batting an eye-lid, surly I can face this bastard. No, I'm going to get him for this. For Linda, I'm going to get him. I look directly at Dr. McNally showing him just how serious I am. I throw twenty dollars on the table and stand up.

"I'm going to get a shower. There's a menu for Chinese on the counter in the kitchen. Get whatever you want. I'll have whatever you're having." I don't give him a chance to say anything and I head straight for the shower.

***

**Jack's POV: **

The house was clean. In both senses of the word. I'd gone on a stupendous cleaning spree. I dusted, polished, and washed everything. I also dumped any alcohol in the house. Well…not completely. I mean, I kept any unopened bottles of whisky etc. You know, the good stuff. There wasn't much of that left to keep though.

Thankfully I stocked up on A LOT of food when I came out here first. That was one thing I made sure to do. I knew that I wouldn't eat much in the beginning but, I'll try to eat normally. If my stomach will allow it anyway.

I'm sitting in my living room. The television is on but I'm not really watching it. It's just providing background noise. I'm thinking about the phone call I got this morning. I need to go back soon. I need to go back to Daniel. I'm not ready yet though. Soon. I'll be ready soon.

If Daniel has given General Hammond the note he got from that bastard Martin then I can trust that Hammond will do everything he can to find the sick fuck. I only hope that I'll be on the team that gets to take him in. By including the SGC it's our territory so I can go haul this guy's ass in. Ah there's always a silver lining.

Until then though, that guy is on the lose and he could do something else to Daniel. I can only hope that the rest of SG-1 are looking after him properly.

Another thing I've realized is that my…personal feelings…shall we say have been controlling me far more than I'd like to admit. I was doing so much for Daniel, but all of it…all of it was what he wanted. I wasn't doing what he needed. Not really. I should have followed my instincts and never allowed McNally to convince that weaning Daniel off the cutting was the way to go.

I should have known better. I should have been able to see that it wasn't helping. Not really. I mean, at the end of the day, Daniel was still cutting when things got too much for him. How was that going to help him in the long run? It certainly wasn't helping him cope without it was it? No. It wasn't. I don't care what McNally might say about other patients or other doctors. I mean, maybe it has worked for others, but isn't this sort of illness a case by case sort of thing. What's good for one person doesn't necessarily mean it's good for another. I know I'm right. So when I go back I'm going to have some serious chats with that bloody shrink.

I'm going to do right by Daniel now. I'm going to make sure he gets the help he needs and not just the things he wants. I can only hope I'm strong enough. I'll have to be strong enough. Maybe someday I'll tell Daniel about my feeling for him. But, now is not the time. It won't be, not for a very long time indeed. I'll need to be there for him and he needs to know that I don't expect anything from him. Especially after all he went though with Martin Larkin.

Besides, I don't think I'm ready to confront that part of Daniel yet. Not in that sort of context. I mean I'll talk to him about whatever he wants, sure, but I doubt I'd be able to have…relations…with him and have him freak out on me. Call me selfish, but that's not what I want in a relationship. I need Daniel to be stronger than that if we do start something. I'll wait though. I don't want anyone else. I've accepted that. I've accepted that I may never sleep with anyone else again too. I'll deal. As far as I'm concerned, it's Daniel or nothing at all. God I hope I can do this.

A few hours later I'm sitting out side when I hear my phone ringing again. 'Crap', I wonder who this could be.

"Hello?" I say.

"Colonel O'Neill, its General Hammond. I was wondering if you had a moment." I could tell by high formal tone that this would not be a casual conversation.

"Certainty, Sir. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I recently came into possession of a rather disturbing note. I assume you know the back story."

"Yes, Sir I do. Are we following up on it? Do we have any leads?"

"Yes, I've got some of my best men on it, Colonel. I'd like to know if you had any additional information to add."

"Well, Sir, I can only tell you what Daniel told me. He lived with the guy for a while when he was in foster care. The guy abused him and a girl. He manipulated Daniel, messed with him. Daniel tried to save the girl. Martin Larkin was caught, and put away. Suddenly he shows up again at Linda's funeral. He and Daniel fought, you know the story with that, and then the note arrives. I believe we can tie him to the murder of Linda. Manslaughter at the very least, Sir."

"Yes, well, Colonel, unfortunately any evidence we have at the moment is circumstantial. We need to get something more solid on this guy. Not to mention we need to find out if he knows anything about Dr. Jackson's line of work." It wasn't safe enough to talk about the SGC on such an open line.

"Do you think it will take long to get what we need? I mean from what I can tell, the guy's a loose cannon. He's bound to slip up somewhere. Right?"

"Let's hope so, Colonel. Let's hope so." General Hammond hung up the phone and I placed the phone back on the receiver. Now what?

***

**Daniel's POV: **

"So we're done then? The contract is finished?" I'm sitting in front of King Lamenkesh. It had taken about a week to get the finished copy of the contract joining our two worlds finished. Not too long, we only had to make a few changes since the original was drawn up.

"Well yes, we need merely bring it forward to our two worlds. I must show it to my advisors and you, your General Hammond. I foresee no problems thought. It is an excellent document, if I do say so myself." King Lamenkesh said with a slight teasing tone. I smile back at him. It's been a long time since I'd truly smiled.

" Well then, shall we?" I say indicating the door. We head to General Hammonds office and enter.

"You're certain? Very well. Give the order to move in. Yes…unharmed." The General hangs up the phone and waves his hand towards the chairs in front of his desk. We sit down.

"General Hammond, Sir, we have finished the contract for the alliance between the Earth and the Metsoins." I say.

"We just need approval now."

"Good. Very good. I'll look over the document now. King Lamenkesh, will it take long to take this before your advisors?"

"It should not, General Hammond. I will be gone a day, two at the most. Then we can sign the document. Trade between our two worlds may then begin."

"Excellent. Excellent."

"I'll leave now then shall I?" King Lamenkesh asks.

"If you would like."

"Then I shall be back soon. I'll go now. No need to walk me to the gate. I'm sure the SF outside your door will be glad to escort me." General Hammond calls for the SF and King Lamenkesh is escorted out. I'm confused when I see the General pick up the phone again.

"Dr. McNally, could you come down to my office please? Immediately. Thank you."

I'm a little uncertain why Dr. McNally has been asked down, but I go with it.

"Dr. Jackson, you've done very well working back here after everything that has happened. I merely wish to review the terms of your employment with us like I promised. I'd like Dr. McNally here…"

'_Knock Knock'_.

"…Enter." General Hammond says. It's Dr. McNally.

"You called for me?" He sits down beside me when the General asks him to.

"…Yes, as I was just explaining to Dr. Jackson here, I think it's time we review his terms of employment with us. I'd like you here to get any feedback you may have."

"Well General, I think Daniel has done very well working in the SGC. I understand that circumstances prevented him from working here, Daniel needs his work. It is something which he can focus on. It is good for him, in small doses of course." He smiles at me when he says that.

"My recommendation, General is that he be allowed to return to desk work, with the same hours you imposed originally, with a grace time of an hour either way. I also suggest keeping him from off world mission for the time being. Unless it's an emergency of course."

"Traitor." I mumble to myself.

"Yes, I think that is an excellent idea. How would you feel about that, Dr. Jackson? You would return to normal on-site work with the same hours as now, with an allowance of one hour either leeway."

I knew I would not get a better offer for the moment. Even if I was starting to get cabin fever being stuck here this long. I missed going through the gate.

"Yes, sir. Thank you." I say.

"General Hammond, Sir, if I may? Do you want Daniel to continue his daily sessions with me while here?"

I look at Dr. McNally surprised.

"I think Doctor that I can leave that between you and Dr. Jackson now."

"Okay. If that's all, Sir?"

"Yes, that's it. Dr. McNally. Dr. Jackson."

The two of us leave General Hammonds office and head towards Dr. McNally's. I know there's no point trying to go anywhere else right now.

"Sit down, Daniel." Dr. McNally sits behind his desk and I take the chair in front of it.

"Daniel, how do you feel about being returned to work?"

"I'll be fine. I think I can handle this just fine."

"Whoa, Daniel, no need to get defensive…"

"Look, Dr. McNally, just tell me weather or not we can reduce my sessions." I say. I'm so desperate to have my life go back to the way it was. I want normality again, well as normal as life in the SGC could be.

"I think we can reduce your sessions. For the moment we'll bring it back to once every three days, but, I reserve the right to increase them again if I think you need it."

"So that's it then? Once every three days?"

"Yes, that's it Daniel."

"That's brilliant. Thank you, Dr. McNally." I say finally before leaving the office. This is it. Things are finally starting to return to normal. Now all I need to Jack back.

***

**Jack's POV: **

As I packed the last of my stuff into my truck I looked back at my Grandfathers cabin. That square box had gotten me through more hard times than any whisky ever could. I'll have to bring Daniel out here some time. Just the two of us, it'll be healing for him.

Speaking of healing him, that's where I was heading right now. I'm going back to Colorado, back to Daniel. It was time.

I got into my truck and I drove home. I called the General on my way. I told him I'd be back in work tomorrow. Tonight I was going to talk to Daniel.

The journey home took several hours. I was glad when I saw my home. It was 19:00 so I was surprised when I saw the house appeared empty. Someone should be here with Daniel.

"Carter…" I call her at the base, I'm not surprised when I'm put straight through to her. She's as bad as Daniel when it comes to clocking off.

"Carter…" I hear on the line.

"Carter, where's Daniel?" I ask.

"Sir?"

"Yes, it's me. Now tell me why Daniel isn't at my house!" I demand.

"Daniel's with Teal'c at his apartment. He didn't feel comfortable staying in your house without you there." She tells me.

"Oh…eh, how's he been since…you know…" I ask, uncomfortable.

"He's coping." The sharp reply sends shivers down the line. I guess I deserved that.

"Carter, you know I didn't mean to…"

"…To what, Sir? Abandon him? Hurt him?"

"Major! You're out of line." I say reminding her who she is talking to. The irritating thing is, I know she's right."

"…Sorry, Sir."

"Yes, well. I'll be back on the base tomorrow. Thanks for, you know, keeping an eye out for him. It…means a lot to me, so yeah, thanks." I say embarrassed before I hang up.

I lock my house and go back to my truck. I don't even bother to take my stuff out. I need to get to Daniel's right away. We need to talk.

If Teal'c is staying with Daniel tonight I don't know how successful I'll be however. I mean we parted on kinda good terms. He obviously understood that my leaving was to benefit Daniel. Unfortunately, while at the time my reasoning was sound, now, after Daniel's had a chance to react…well, Teal'c's not the sorta guy you want to get mad. I'm in big trouble. As I drive over I remember my last conversation with Teal'c.

"Tell me why you are abandoning Daniel Jackson in his time of need?" I look up at the big guy and try and gather my most intimidating voice.

"I need some time to myself Teal'c. I can't deal with this any more. If I'm to be of ANY use to Daniel, I need to sort myself out first. You can understand that can't you big guy?"

"So, you are doing this for Daniel Jackson's benefit then?"

"Yes! Exactly!" I say.

I get out of my truck and head up to Daniel's apartment. I knock on the door and low and behold Teal'c answers. "Teal'c! Buddy! Long time no see. Don't suppose I could come in?" I had expected the Jaffa to let me in but instead he stepped out into the hall and closed the door over slightly.

"O'Neill, we must talk."

'Oh oh', I think to myself.

"Sure, Teal'c. What's on your mind?"

"Daniel Jackson is on my mind."

"Oh?"

"Yes, you said you were leaving for his benefit. Tell me again how you intended to do that from so far away." I try not to look scared.

"Well, eh…" Alright truth time. "…look Teal'c. I, what I did was wrong. I know that. I shouldn't have left Daniel the way I did, but I felt so overwhelmed. I needed to get away. Clear my head. As selfish as the act was, I know that I can help Daniel better now. Now that I have a clear mind, I'm sure of it."

"Daniel Jackson has benefited from your absence in some way."

'What!' I think to myself.

"What do you mean by that Teal'c?" Was Daniel really better off without me?

"What I mean, Colonel O'Neill is that since you left Daniel has been improving. He is now working with a new found determination. He is working hard. Major Carter and Dr. McNally believe that he is doing this for you. Do not hurt him again, O'Neill or you will answer to me." With that Teal'c stood to the side and pushed open the door indicating that I could go in. I starred for a moment before walking through confidently.

"Daniel Jackson is in the shower. I will leave for the mountain now. You can watch over him tonight."

Before I even get a chance to turn around to Teal'c, I hear the door close. I've been thrown in the deep end. Right now it was sink or swim. That's when I heard the water turn off.

Daniel walked out of his bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. His head was bent towards the floor and he was rubbing another towel on his hair, getting it dry.

"Teal'c, was someone at the door?" Daniel asks not paying attention to me. I cough slightly and he looks up in surprise. I gulp.

"Eh, hi, Danny. How are you?"

***

**A/N: Hey. Well sorry again for the long wait. I hope you liked my extra long chapter. We are nearing the end people so hold on tight. Please Review. Oh and thanks again to my new Beta SG1Mouse. I don't know what I'd do without her. Oh and lets celebrate the stories one year anniversary. Happy Birthday! Ha ha.**


	17. Resolution

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_A/N: Hey, well, another chapter. I hope you like it. Oh and I'd also like to apologize for the cliff hanger. I was so anxious to get the chapter out I hadn't even copped that I'd done it. Sorry. Thought, it was good as far as cliff hangers go. Typical, I write a really good cliff hanger and I'm not even aware of it. If I tried to do it! Oigh! _

_Warnings: - Descriptions of self-harm, may include suicide in later chapters. Eh language, Pre- Slash. Rating may change. Yea that's about it for now. I will change this though if there's anything else. _

_Disclaimer:- I do not now nor have I ever owned the rights to Stargate SG-1. That lovely privilege belongs to the people in Gekko Film Corp and Showtime. I'm just borrowing the characters. Promise I'll return them good as new. _

***

Chapter 17:

_I get out of my truck and head up to Daniel's apartment. I knock on the door and low and behold Teal'c answers. "Teal'c! Buddy! Long time no see. Don't suppose I could come in?" I had expected the Jaffa to let me in but instead he stepped out into the hall and closed the door over slightly._

"_O'Neill, we must talk." _

'_Oh oh', I think to myself._

"_Sure, Teal'c. What's on your mind?"_

"_Daniel Jackson is on my mind."_

"_Oh?"_

"_Yes, you said you were leaving for his benefit. Tell me again how you intended to do that from so far away." I try not to look scared._

"_Well, eh…" Alright truth time. "…look Teal'c. I, what I did was wrong. I know that. I shouldn't have left Daniel the way I did, but I felt so overwhelmed. I needed to get away. Clear my head. As selfish as the act was, I know that I can help Daniel better now. Now that I have a clear mind, I'm sure of it."_

"_Daniel Jackson has benefited from your absence in some way." _

'_What!' I think to myself._

"_What do you mean by that Teal'c?" Was Daniel really better off without me?_

"_What I mean, Colonel O'Neill is that since you left Daniel has been improving. He is now working with a new found determination. He is working hard. Major Carter and Dr. McNally believe that he is doing this for you. Do not hurt him again, O'Neill or you will answer to me." With that Teal'c stood to the side and pushed open the door indicating that I could go in. I starred for a moment before walking through confidently._

"_Daniel Jackson is in the shower. I will leave for the mountain now. You can watch over him tonight." _

_Before I even get a chance to turn around to Teal'c, I hear the door close. I've been thrown in the deep end. Right now it was sink or swim. That's when I heard the water turn off._

_Daniel walked out of his bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. His head was bent towards the floor and he was rubbing another towel on his hair, getting it dry._

"_Teal'c, was someone at the door?" Daniel asks not paying attention to me. I cough slightly and he looks up in surprise. I gulp._

"_Eh, hi, Danny. How are you?"_

***

**Jack's POV: **

I try to swallow again but my mouth is suddenly very dry. I don't know what's worse. Tittering on the brink of this very awkward conversation or tittering on the brink of this very awkward conversation with a near naked Daniel! I'm screwed.

Daniel is still staring at me, clutching at his towel as if it were a life line.

"I'll just…" I point out the door and walk swiftly, (defiantly not running here), outside.

I close it behind me and lean on it for a moment. Crap. I'm breathing deeply, my heart rate rising at an alarming speed. I need to get myself back under control before we have this conversation. Regaining my composure, I walk back into Daniel's house and into his kitchen. I'm about to put the coffee on before I realize, I might not be here long enough to drink it. Heck, Daniel might not want me touching his stuff anymore even.

I go into the living room and sit on the couch . . . a moment before getting up again. This time I pick the chair. Sitting down, I've barely planted my behind before I'm standing again. I pace for a moment then sit on the edge of the coffee table. No, that's not right either. Getting up I go over and lean against the wall. Nope. I can't get comfortable anywhere. As a result I'm left standing awkwardly in the middle of the floor when Daniel comes out of his room.

"Hi." I say again.

He looks at me. I'm kind of surprised that his face shows no emotion. I knew he could do it. Before all of this started, Daniel held himself together very well. He rarely let himself go. He never completely lost control, alien addictions not withstanding. Still, it was a surprise none the less. A part of me, a part I really hated, began thinking maybe Daniel really was better off without me. He'd obviously come a long way since I'd left. I should be happy he's getting better and yet, I'm not. Not completely. I guess there's this selfish, prideful part of me that wanted to be the one to help put Daniel back together again. By looking at him now though, I can't help but think, maybe I just made things worse from the very beginning.

"…coffee…?"

"Huh?" I ask when I realize Daniel's been speaking to me this whole time.

"I asked you, did you want some coffee?" Daniel asks again.

He doesn't look at me directly, he looks past me. Over my shoulder. I resist the urge to glance behind me . . . I know there's only a wall there.

"Will I be here long enough for coffee?" I ask him.

It comes out harsher than I'd intended. For a second I think I see him flinch, but then his mask is back in place and I wonder if it wasn't just a trick of the light.

"I'm making some coffee. If you want a cup, get it yourself."

This time _I_ flinch. Ouch that was cold. I guess I deserved that though. I walk back into Daniel's kitchen, following behind like a boy sent to the principal's office.

Daniel starts the coffee maker and soon the smell of coffee hits the air. There is silence in the room. So much so that it deafens me. The only noise that is clear is the coffee maker and our breathing. I want to say something, but I'm afraid it will sound too forced. I'm very aware of the fact that unlike our other conversations, Daniel controls this one completely. I don't know if I should push or back away. Should I make the first move or wait for him. Should I get down on my knees and beg or should I just hope he will forgive me. Do I even deserve that forgiveness? Am I worthy of even asking for it.

I watch Daniel pour out a single cup of coffee and he moves back into the living room. Oh yes, my knees will be worshiping the floor this evening. I grab a cup from the cupboard and pour myself a cup. I'm going to need something to do with my hands. I'll need to keep them from just grabbing Daniel's shoulders and holding him to me. Hugging him with all I'm worth, feeling him, knowing he's real.

I shake my head and get control of myself once more. Picking up my coffee I walk into the living room once more, knowing that one way or another, after this conversation, Daniel and I will never be the same.

**Daniel's POV: **

"Eh, hi Danny. How are you?"

I freeze when I see Jack standing in front of me. This can't be happening. I'm in a freaking towel for God's sake. Before I can think of a response, Jack has spoken again and is out of the room so fast you'd think there was a Goa'uld on his ass. I realize I'm clutching my towel to me and I let my grip loosen a little. I hear Jack moving around outside my room and I get changed quickly.

Now what? I mean, Jack's back. I got what I wanted. So then, why am I not happy to see him? Well, no that's not entirely true. I mean, I am happy he's back. That's the whole point of me going cold turkey right? To know Jack would come back to me. To prove to him that I was capable of being his strong friend again. Yet, I find that a part of me resents that Jack left. I mean logically I know that I drove him away but, somehow it hurts more now that he's back. Before, well before I guess I had a purpose. I had something to work towards. Now though, now that Jack's back I guess I can allow myself to feel anger over him abandoning me.

I leave my bedroom dressed and see Jack standing in the living room totally unsure of himself. He looks completely out of place which is unusual. He's normally so comfortable in any environment.

"Hi." He says.

"I suppose you'll want a beer or something. I'm sorry to disappoint but I don't have any. Coffee will have to do." I say, however I notice that Jack isn't even listening to me. This just makes me angrier. "Jack! Fine whatever . . . I want coffee…"

"Huh?" Jack finally says.

I roll my eyes, "I asked you, did you want some coffee?" I repeat magnanimously. I can't look at him. I'm afraid if I do I'll lose control. I'm afraid I won't be able to bite my tongue. I'm afraid I'll say something I won't regret.

"Will I be here long enough for coffee?" He asks me.

It's said so harsh that I flinch, but then I get control over myself. I can't let him break thought my shell. Not yet. I wrap my anger around me like a cloak. Protecting me from the very person I know I should be able to talk too.

"I'm making some coffee. If you want a cup, get it yourself." I say, turning my back on his flinch. I walk into the kitchen and hear his soft footsteps behind me. I turn on the coffee maker and go through the motions mechanically. I feel Jack's eyes on me the whole time. I say nothing. Gathering my thoughts, making him wait.

When the coffee is ready I pour myself a cup and walk back into my living room. Jack can do what he likes. I sit down on a chair. This way I can ensure Jack will keep his distance. He'll have to.

I don't know what to say to him. I don't know where to start, but I suppose finding out why he did what he did will be as good a place as any. I really care about Jack. I care about his opinion of me. He's done so much for me, I feel like I'm throwing it back in his face slightly by acting like this. However, I know we have to have this out. As much as Jack hurt me, he also taught me something. In the last few weeks and months I've allowed Jack to think I have become weak. I let him think I was broken and maybe I was. Fractured at the very least, but no, I can't help but think Jack has less faith in me than he did on that first mission to Abydos.

Jack needs to see that I am strong. He needs to realize that I won't break. I understand that this maybe difficult for him to realize, after all he's seen me though one of the worst times of my life. It's not surprising to think that he's forgotten just how strong I am. No, I'm getting better now. I can feel it. The next battle is convincing Jack of this.

Jack walks into the living room, a cup of coffee clutched in his hands. Showtime.

***

Jack sits down in the middle of the couch holding onto his coffee cup. He's looking at the floor. It would seem like I am the one to control this conversation. I take a deep breath and begin.

"Why?"

He looks up at me, but his eyes stay downcast.

"Huh?" He licks his lips and takes a sip of coffee. I feel generous so I help him out.

"Why did you leave?" I say to him. I can hear him gulp and he takes in a harsh breath, as though he can't get enough air.

"I thought it would be for the best." He says after a while.

I glare.

"Bull shit! If we're going to have this conversation you'd better sure as hell be honest. If not you can just get out right now." I tell Jack. I'm right. I don't think I could stay angry at whatever reason he gives me, just as long as he doesn't lie to me. I've been so exposed around him recently I deserve, no I demand the same from him.

"Okay. Okay. Honestly. I can do honest . . . only, Daniel you have to bare with me here. I'm, struggling. You know I'm not good at this stuff. I can't just…I need to…I just…bare with me. Please."

I nod as he begs. I'm kinda surprised. Jack's normally so kept together. It's odd for him not to know exactly what he wants to say.

"Right, well. At the time I genuinely thought that it was for the best. NO, don't interrupt."

I close my mouth before I even utter a sound.

"Like I said, I thought it was for the best. I was freaking out, Daniel. I felt…trapped. I was drowning. You were having such a horrible time and I couldn't help you. Not really. I couldn't do anything to help you. You know me, Daniel, I'm a doer. I can't just sit around and wait for things to happen. When you used that lighter…" I hear Jack's voice crack. I'm not sure how to react. Before I make up my mind he continues.

"…when you used it, I felt like I'd been stabbed. I couldn't breath. I think I forgot how to breath when you did it. I dealt with it though. I thought, this was it. You'll come to your senses now. You'll remember how much that hurts and how you don't need to do it. I thought that would be then end of it. But then, you lied to me. YOU LIED TO ME! You implied that your were…well the point is you made me think you were, doing that…and then you came down into the kitchen and told me that the fucking lighter hadn't been enough. You told me that you cut yourself. AGAIN! Jesus, Daniel. Do you know what that did to me? All I could think was when will enough be enough? When you cut to deep? When you burn yourself past recognition? When is enough, enough?" Jack looks at me directly now. Right into my eyes.

I'm frozen in place. I hadn't realized Jack was feeling all that. What's worse, I don't think he's finished. When he started speaking again his voice was low. Dangerously low.

"I left because I needed go to get my head around you hurting yourself. I needed to convince myself that I wasn't going to lose the best friend I'd ever had to suicide. I couldn't do that, watching you destroy yourself." He's not crying, but his eyes are suspiciously bright.

What do I say to that? I'd thought he left, well I didn't know why he'd left, but I never expected this. I mean I was so certain he'd loss sight of the person I was, of the person I am. But that's not it at all. This is different. Standing up I move over to the couch to sit beside him. I don't touch him, but I'm close. I think he needs the physical distance as much as I do. At least right now anyway.

"I'm sorry." It's not much. It's certainly not enough, but it's all I've got.

"I know." He says in this defeated kind of tone. It breaks something in me and I reach for him. For the first time in who knows how long, I'm the one holding him. He slumps onto my side and I gladly support him.

He still doesn't cry. He's just taking comfort. I try to give him everything he needs. He's done so much for me. I'm still hurt, I don't think that will just go away in a day but, I understand now. I can work with that. I guess I hadn't truly realized just how much Jack gave me. How much of _himself_ he gave me. How much of his strength…I guess I just didn't see.

Jack pulls away from me and takes a deep breath before letting it out again.

"So, now what?" He says.

I guess I still have control of this conversation.

"I don't know…I…Jack, I really am sorry. I've been so selfish. I didn't think about what I was doing, how it was affecting you. I kinda forgot that, you're human too. I started seeing you as someone who was infallible. I know your not, but for a little while there, I think I forgot." Jack looks at me with surprise in his eyes. I don't think he was expecting that.

"Oh. Eh, well, you're right, I'm not infallible. Far from it. I guess you can blame me for that too, though. I hid what was going on. I didn't let you see how it was all affecting me. I guess I wanted to be infallible…for you. I needed to be someone strong. You needed someone to lean on…" Jack trails off and I want to claim _bullshit_, but I know it's true. I did need someone. However, not any more. Things were going to change. Starting right now.

"Okay, you're right. I did need someone. We're changing things though. From now on, you need to tell me when it's too much, and I'll try not to lean on you as much either. Dr. McNally's here for a reason, it's time I started using him properly."

"Daniel, you can still lean on me. Shit, I don't want you to stop, to pull away…"

"That's not what I'm talking about Jack…" I cut over him. "…all I'm saying is that I won't be putting so much pressure on you to…feel you have to be infallible, as it were."

"Oh."

"Yes, oh. Look, Jack, I'm still far away from total recovery, but I'm getting there. I'm getting my act together now. If anything, I need to stop leaning on you so heavily. I need to remember how to rely on myself again. I've forgotten how to do that. I've been relying on you and the blade. I've not used Dr. McNally. Not really. The majority of the times we've spoken it's been because I've either lost my temper and blurted stuff out or, I've completely broken down and blurted stuff out. I've never really had a completely calm conversation with him. It's time I start. I need to take control again. I need to get my life back on track."

Jack sits back a little further and just looks at me. I fight the urge to look away or move. It's like he's analyzing me. I allow it. I know I've made an about turn lately, but his leaving pretty much gave me the swift kick I needed to do it.

"Okay. You do know that you can still talk to me any time you need to though. I mean there are still things that you can only talk to your best friend about, right?"

I smile at that. "Best friend?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Stop Danny, you know you're my best friend."

My smile gets bigger.

"I know. You're my best friend too, Jack."

"So, we're okay then? No more fighting. I'm…f-forgiven?" Jack looks so hopeful, I can't ruin it.

"…Yes, we're okay. But, you're only forgiven, if you forgive me. I've put you through hell, and never even said thank you. So eh, thank you, by the way."

Jack's whole face lights up. "You're forgiven. Right. Who's up for pizza?"

I laugh slightly at Jack.

"No, thanks, Jack. I think I've eaten enough pizza lately to turn into pepperoni. I have food in my freezer. We can eat that."

I stand up and go into the kitchen. Before I get to the door though, Jack is standing in front of me and is hugging me. I'm really not used to Jack showing this much emotion but I don't comment on it, knowing it would embarrass him. That means he might stop! I hug him back and we stand there for a moment. We both need this. Each knowing that the other is still there. Knowing that they won't go away. When Jack lets me go he coughs and walks back to the couch. When he sits back down he calls out…

"Nothing too spicy, Daniel. I can't eat spicy."

I roll my eyes and know that now, everything is going to be okay. We'll be okay. I'll be okay.

***

**_One Year Later_**

**Daniel's POV: **

I'm in my office with a tablet SG-13 just brought back. It's fascinating. I've been translating it for the last three hours. I'm supposed to meet Jack for lunch soon, hopefully I'll have the tablet translated, I really don't want to leave before it's done. As I read further down I notice that some of the words have become obscured. They are covered with a layer of dirt which has settled into the groves the writing has provided. Searching through my desk drawer I take out a scalpel like instrument. I notice how the light glints of the metal, making it shimmer. I lift the blade…

_Thwack!_

What the hell?

"Jack? What was that for?"

Jack is standing beside me, I didn't even notice him come in. He bends down and picks up the blade off the ground and looks at it intently.

"You don't need to do this any more, Daniel. It's over now. It's been a year and you haven't done anything. Oh God! You haven't have you?"

He reaches for my arms and I back off. I can't believe him. Where does he get off? With a temper I yank my sleeves up to my elbows and show him my scared arms. There are no new cuts. Jack seems to sag with relief.

"Good, that's good. What were you doing with this though? Please don't start this again. I couldn't bare it. Please, Daniel, come talk to me. You don't have to do this! Go see Dr. McNally, I know you only book appointments when you want them now, but he'll start seeing you again, I'm sure off it."

I figure I'd better stop Jack now. It's not fair to him.

"Jack…calm down. I wasn't going to cut myself. You're right I don't need to do that anymore. I don't need to talk. I don't need to contact Dr. McNally."

"Then what are you doing with this?" He asks me holding it out of my reach. I stretch over and take it from his hand. He's obviously still worried but he lets me take the implement all the same.

I walk back over to my desk and the tablet making sure Jack can see every move I'm making. I start to remove the dirk from the grooves of the tablet. After a moment I look back at Jack and see a blush coloring his features. I should probably feel angry at him but I don't. He's obviously still worried, but I can handle that, it means he cares. I want him to care. When Jack still hasn't said anything I lay the blade down and face him raising an eyebrow. I'm waiting.

"Eh…erm…sorry." Jack is about two minuets away from shuffling his feet.

"I don't do it anymore, Jack. I'm better. You know as well as I do that I have good days and bad days, but I've never gone back to the blade…or lighter before you even think of it."

"I know that Daniel…really I do. It's just well, this last week hasn't exactly been easy on you…I thought…"

"…You thought seeing Martin would bring everything back again." I finish for him.

"Yeah" Jack nods.

I sigh.

"Jack, sit down please."

We sit on the couch in my office and I take Jack's hand in mine. This is important.

"You're right, this last week has been difficult. Very difficult, but I've managed quiet well. Don't you think so?" I ask him.

"Of course, Danny. You know I do. Look, I'm sorry, I guess just seeing you with that damn blade brought everything back. You're really okay?"

"Yes, I am, Jack. Seeing Martin like that wasn't easy, but I coped. Besides, he's in jail now. He's been charged with battery and child abuse. We couldn't prove Linda's murder but, he's away now. He can't hurt anyone else. It's over, Jack. It's finally over. I'm not going to go back. Not now."

"I know, I'm sorry. I just get worried…"

I smile at that. Jack doesn't like anyone else to see his sensitive side. But it comes out when I'm around.

"I know. It's alright. Just don't do it again. I'm better, Jack. Honestly."

He nods.

"Now, why did you come into my office in the first place?" I ask him. There must be some reason.

"Oh yeah…" Jack smiles fully now, "…remember that restaurant you've been talking about non- stop? The one you say you can NEVER get reservations for?"

I nod. It's been so annoying. I've been trying for months to get a table and I just can't.

"I got us reservations!" Jack says smugly.

I smile.

"Serious?" I ask.

"As a heart attack."

"Team night?" I ask him.

"Eh…no. Actually, I was kinda thinking the two of us…" Jack trails off looking distinctly uncomfortable.

"Eh…you mean…eh…that is…Jack, are you asking me out? On a date?" I try to keep the hope out of my voice.

"If you don't want to that's fine. I understand completely. I know we're friends, but I was kinda hoping we could…ya' know…"

Poor Jack, he's really not good at this.

"I'd love to." I say with a soft smile.

"That's great. Really, really great. The reservation's tonight, 20:00. I'll pick you up at 19:30."

Jack get's up and leaves my office quickly. As though he's afraid I'll change my mind. He does look back however to smile again. A thousand watt smile. I can't help but grin back. Then he's gone.

We'll be okay. I know we will. It's all working out now. The alliance with the Metsoins has never been stronger. King Lamenkesh is even expecting a second child this year. Martin Larkin is behind bars and I've never felt stronger. Now, to top it all off Jack has asked me out. Things are going well.

"OFF-WORLD ACTIVATION!"

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_A/N: Hey, well that's it. The last chapter! I know…how sad. It's been an amazing year and I'd like to thanks everyone for their reviews and of course my Beta reader SG-1 Mouse. I don't know what I'd have done without her._

_Now, one or two points to clear up. In the beginning I had every intention of making it a slash story. It was pointed out to me that their were just not enough Jack/Daniel friendship fics. As it is, I happen to agree with that. Despite this, I've left hints of pre-slash between the two men throughout the story. I figured I might as well end on a slash tone. If anyone has a problem with that I'm sorry, but I want my story to be read by both slash readers and J/D friendship readers. I figured this was the closest I would get to a happy medium._

_Finally, I doubt there will be a sequel, I won't say never though. There just isn't one planed right this minuet. Thanks again to everyone for reading my story. I enjoyed writing it. Perhaps you'll have a look at some of my other stories? Well, thanks any way. Bye. Martha x._


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